SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Have just been on a walk with my 18 year old. He can be very reserved in his feelings but he seemed particularly chatty and open today so I decided to ask him how he was feeling about things in relation to his dad (he knows about his dad's historic betrayal mainly as he chose to go to work on DD so I collapsed and cried in front of my sons).
Anyway, I was quite taken aback by his feelings. DD was a year ago and my son said he sometimes goes a week without thinking about it then my husband will say or do something that triggers him or he said sometimes just his presence triggers him. He is also triggered when he hears about affairs or TV or from friends. I asked him how he feels when he is triggered and he says he is angry towards his dad and feels a lack of respect towards him and he doesn't know if that will ever come back. This has made me so sad. I know it's not my fault and I guess it's inevitable but he used to idolise his dad. I hate that this is another ramification of the affair.

My question is, should I tell my husband how my son is feeling (my son didn't tell me not - there were other non related things in the conversation he asked me not to tell him - and he doesn't feel he can talk to his dad himself). Would former WWs on here want to know how their children were feeling so they could work on it or would telling my husband unnecessarily hurt and shame him? As shit as it is being a BS I would rather deal with the pain of my husband's betrayal than the pain of hurting my children and I feel so sad my husband has done this to them and to himself 😥

I feel like I need to reply from the perspective of my WH.

My husband was 8 when his parents divorced. His father had an affair, and on DDay his mom had a breakdown and was hospitalized for several months. He saw that reaction. He said it reminded him of a wounded animal, you couldn’t even touch her or try to comfort her.

He carried that trauma.

His father married the AP. He adopted the AP’s daughter. They were married for 4 years. One day he and his brother and father came home from working the cattle, and the house was empty.

The AP left his father for her new, richer affair partner.

His dad broke down in front of the boys.

My husband said he resented his father for everything, from DDay on. But then his father and mother somehow reconciled, and remarried when he was 16 or 17.

My husband says that the last thing he wanted was to ever live in the same house as his dad again. My husband stayed only until after graduation from high school and left.

There was never an expression of love between the two of them again. My husband tolerated his father only enough to see his mom.

And now, my husband talks about how he did to me the very same thing his father did to his mom, and it makes him sick.

It would be a good idea to get this handled in therapy now, because the lasting effects truly damaged my husband.

I think your best bet is to urge your son to talk with his father.

Telling your WS about your son's feelings just creates a triangle.

Your son's relationships are just that - his relationships. You can guide, perhaps, but do not put yourself into the middle.

Infidelity really does have nasty ripple effects.

IMO: Your WS needs to handle and heal his relationship with his son.
That’s his to see and to heal.

He MUST feel the difference from his son. If he doesn’t, he’s not paying attention or has his head in the sand.

Also agree that getting IC for your son might be a good idea- teen years are hard enough.

5decades ...thank you for your reply. This is exactly what worries me. My husband's mum had an affair and left his dad for the AP at 15. This broke the entire family. My husband ended up moving abroad with his dad for a year then returning to join the army whilst his dad stayed abroad for many more years. His mum kept the AP in her life for many years on and off until he finally left her. My husband's relationship with his mum was never the same again and he never lived at home again. I have told him he has done exactly the same to both our children and the AP's children. Statistically my children are likely to do the same.

In the UK it is hard to access therapy. I have been having therapy for a year as did my husband and it's drained our savings and there's nothing left .

As someone with childhood trauma who tried her best to protect her children and provide them with the safe, loving family I didn't have, it breaks my heart to know my husband has caused this much damage. I though I had chose a good father figure but clearly not. I think because I didn't know what a healthy family looked like, I didn't realise how unhealthy my husband's upbringing was and how much trauma it cause him until it was too late 🥺

Sissoon and barely breathing...I have three teen boys. I know the other 18 year old has felt huge amounts of anger towards my husband...he has shown it and lately my youngest has too. My husband notices it but finds discussing this with them difficult particularly because of the shame and tbh, they refuse to discuss it with him too as they have never really had deep conversations with him. His parents are the same with him and he has no friends, literally none. I am the only person he has ever opened up to and clearly he kept secrets from me. All of my kids (and I believe my husband is too) are neurodiverse so they really struggle with communication. They wont talk about him about anything that bothers them eg bad skin, girls, body issues...they only ever come to me and talk to him about things like sports or cars.

My husband has said if I had have found out about the infidelity years ago he probably would have become a Disney dad as he just didn't have the emotional maturity and even now, if we were to split, I feel I would be the mediator between them bridging the emotional gap.

He loves them and would do anything from them physically but emotionally he struggles to communicate and the Shame of what he did doesn't help.

[This message edited by Evio at 5:49 PM, Friday, February 20th]

I think the Wayward has the right to know, especially if he is in recovery and you are in R, but nevertheless is his son too.

He is a young adult at 18, he can have this conversation and I understand him for feeling resentment to his father, he broke his moral compass but also the image your son had of Dad. Which was likely idealized, not that of a cheater.

And for your son to truly understand the dynamics and consequences of the betrayal of his father, he needs to acknowledge it and confront it, or it could bite him ack or even leading him through the same path as a paradox, in the future.

He is young and grown up to talk to dad about his feelings.
However he does not have your maturity.

The ideal scenario is that he can talk directly, but emotionally he might need a help from you and from dad too.

Is delicate matter, painful for you too.

What I would do if I were in your shoes:
- Speak with my son and tell him openly, I think dad needs to know, and you should tell him. But this is a delicate emotional topic, are you ok if I talk to him first and then we try to arrange a face to face with dad. If you two want me present I will be here for both of you. I want you 2 to confront your feelings, because this is painful for you and your father and as grown men you need to face it, not hide it.
- If the son agrees for you to mediate good. If they both want you in to help navigate this emotional minefield even better.
- If he doesn't talk with him again and convince him is critical to talk to his father as he is trying to heal and amend to his mistakes.
- If he wants to talk alone you need to prepare him, to express his disappointment but also understand he still needs to respect his dad, he made a mistake, admitted to it and now he is owning it by working towards becoming a safe husband and father. And that is admirable

Probably the best would be that both parties are prepared by you, because is going to be high on emotions and that for men means anger, it could escalate to say things to each other they might regret.

But you probably need to suggest to your son that you feel important, for the process of healing of both parents, and in reflection the children, if you first prepare your husband and then they talk to each other.

Stuff under the rug, of this magnitude, is never good.

ANd the WS has the right to know, even if painful.

I think the Wayward has the right to know, especially if he is in recovery and you are in R, but nevertheless is his son too.

I disagree. Your WW may want to know. I can understand that. Your son told you this, and I believe with the expectation that it was a private conversation between you and him. He trusts you. You should respect what your son wants. He's 18 years old. If he wants to talk to his father, he will; and he will do it when he's ready. Don't betray his trust.

I disagree. Your WW may want to know. I can understand that. Your son told you this, and I believe with the expectation that it was a private conversation between you and him. He trusts you. You should respect what your son wants. He's 18 years old. If he wants to talk to his father, he will; and he will do it when he's ready. Don't betray his trust.

He is a young adult, you know that this thing is traumatic for him too. It might impact his future relationships if the issues stays buried.

She should ask permission to her son to talk, and tell him he should talk to his father not keeping the resentment buried.

Of course if the son is walled to it, it may take some convincing, most likely a confrontation is what their son need, their father too.

You don't betray the guy's trust if you are transparent and speak with him first.

Don't expect a 18 years old can handle these kind of emotions easily, mom can truly prepare him not to explode and to keep the calm, which is tough for the magnitude of the problem.

Please do not underestimate this, to be clear:
- He idolized dad
- He lost respect for him
- He is rather closed about his emotions
- He gets triggered with similar triggers of a BS

He is still growing up to become a man.

This is an emotional bomb with a timer ready to explode.

He might go through the path of anger, or worse, lose self worth.

And you know were low self worth with emotional unresolved issues lead. He might risk to become his father paradoxically. Often you read that cheaters had some of their parents cheating while growing up. They hated it, then they grew up and repeated it. And he would hate it to do the same if that's the reaction his emotional blockage leads to.

Solving it now is not to please dad, is to secure healing so he will not perpetrate this in the future.

It's important for the kid's future first, is not a minor generational quarrel, is betrayal, and that shatters the reality of all those around the cheater.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 10:41 PM, Friday, February 20th]

BackfromtheStorm,

I don't know anything other than my own experience.

Why would there be an expectation that the adult child not have their own fully valid feelings of the situation, whether betrayal (on their own or family's or mother's behalf) or total indifference to the situation, not exist? I can't see why the adult child should be encouraged to make amends because their other parent wishes to do so. That seems to ignore how they feel. The OP may have to accept that their relationship will never be the same. It's not her responsibility.

Again, I think the son is talking to the BS because he feels he can have a confidential and open conversation. I would respect that, and I would treat it as such.

Kitchen mine is real talk, our brain is not fully formed until 25 years of age.

Emotionally we are even more fragile until much later.
Where is written the son should make amends?

I said the son should confront his father and tell him clearly what he feels. Those emotions can’t stay buried or they will eat him alive.

Is more of a " dad, you were my idol and now I found out you fucking suck. I am disgusted by what you have done and I don’t know if I will be ever able to look at you the same"

It’s his pain out. It’s painful for daddy but it’s also a reality check of what’s the extent of the damage he caused. Not just to his wife but his children.

A harsh wake up call. But a wake up call for him to be better, to show his son that he’s fallen but he can stand up again and become better than he ever was.
Not by words but actions.

The son should not carry the weight of those emotions to protect his father’s ego.

Is in his interest and also to understand that in the family issues are to be face with honesty, not dodged with escapism