SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I am currently wearing my husband’s recently deceased mother’s tote bag. However it’s starting to crack at the handles.

As we were out shopping my FWH points out a Mark Jacob’s tote and asks if I liked it. I felt disgusted.

He had bought her a Tory Burch tote and initially lied about getting gifts.

I wondered if he saw that she needed a bag and had asked her to pick something out or did he just buy it and send it?

The unknown started overwhelming me and I said -
"Tote bags are problematic for me. If you got me one it wouldn’t be on sale at an outlet store. Get ready to pay""

I am not into luxury like that. I mentioned the designers because I said to myself if he got that POS a $250 tote mine will need to hit him in his pockets so that he knows I’m worth way more than her. I know he knows this.

It’s so pathetic of me.

I’m not sure why I had that reaction.

I am literally not into luxury like that but I’m pricing Dior, Vutton, Lou Buttons…..

I find it stupid to spend $3000+ on a tote bag. OW had been arrested for shop lifting in her 20s and he told me she’d purchase luxury items on her department store credit card and reselling them for cash—-a real class act.

It’s the luxury show offy thing that he had during the affair that also pisses me off.

Can somebody help me understand why I’m reacting this way when I would never do that in the past?

IMO, you want to see how much he values YOU vs this other woman. It would be nice if it were spontaneous, but you're trying to get him to prove what you mean to him in dollars and cents. I totally understand that and don't have a problem with it, but you might consider a couple of things. He was trying to win her over. He already has you so he had to try harder with her. It's like when you're first dating, you go all out to impress the new date - whether it's with a fancy place (one guy I dated actually rented a Cadillac for the first date and that was impressive back then). Women will dress up to the 9s, put on the best clothes, make-up, etc. Everyone's on best behavior. I think starting an affair is like the first stages of dating, each is trying to hyper impress the other, it's all kind of fake, but...we have to start somewhere. Even cheaters have to start somewhere. So it's a different dynamic than it is with you. But on the other hand.....you want some kind of objective proof that he values you as much - hopefully more - than this OW. And that is very reasonable.

However, do you really want a tote bag? If there's something else that might be expensive, that might seem like he's put down some dough to impress you or make you happy, it should be something you would really want and enjoy. The tote bag, even if he bought it, might continue to make you think of the A and the OW. I'd do something else you might really want and it might not be a thing, maybe it's an experience, like a spa vacation or a class or a trip or a broadway show, or whatever. So I'd recommend you think about what you really want, not in competition with OW in your head, but a real thing you'd want and enjoy.

I'm sure other folks here will have other perspectives as well. But we all want to be valued and appreciated especially in WAYS THAT SHOW.