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It has been one month since DD (my story is Valentines DDay in Just found out).
Today is mothers day (I am in the UK), it has been amazing, last week it was my birthday and on friday is our daughters birthday (I know March is busy for us), he has been amazing and maybe is even going a little overboard slightly but he has said he feels he has to make up for so much and wants to.
We are slowly getting there, even though it has been only a month we are doing good.
But ... i hate there is a but.
I still feel as though the other shoe is going to drop at anytime, like part of me is expecting him to be lying again or for all this to be a lie. That is what i am struggling with at the moment, the fact he lied to me and that the trust has been seriously damaged. He is doing everything I am asking of him and more. I know his phone password, he showed me his blocked lists on his social media and that the OW is blocked, he has shown me his contacts and that she is no longer on there and there are no new contact names i do not recognize plus i know the OW number and it was not there. Yet i still think 'has he really cut her out of his life' even when i know he has. I went through his phone the other day even though he has shown me everything. I want to trust him and we are rebuilding and restarting our relationship.
He has even brought up the conversation that he would be willing to have a vasectomy to allow me to come off contraception due to wanting me to live my best healthiest life, which led to us both having the conversation that neither of us are done having children so we will revisit that in a year. We aren't married and i have been more than hinting for years that I want to marry him, he has spoken about he was stupid to not ask me years ago and let little things build up instead of communicating things to me, but now knows that he wants to marry me (I have told him now would be a stupid time to propose) so we are talking about the future and working towards it but the trust is no where near to coming back for me.
I spoke with him about that i worry each time he has to go into our town (where the OW lives) and that when he goes for his walks (he has restless legs and evenings walks eases them so he can sleep) i am on edge, because him and the OW would talk alot each time he was on his walks. He has said he will phone me and stay on the phone with me while he is in town, that he will message me throughout his walks and show me his phone when he gets back. But still i feel anxious during those times and i just want it to go away.
Sorry this feels as though it has just been one long rant but my brain still feels so muddled most of the time and things are triggering me, if we are watching tv and there is a reference to cheating i go quiet, songs about cheating do the same. I am replaying conversations we had during the time he was cheating (6 weeks) wondering if anything he said was the truth and what was lies.
Will that ever end?
I am also finding the battle to not contact the OW harder and harder each day, I wouldn't even know what to say to her other than all the anger i have. It is like i have had it out with him but now it feels as though i want to have it out with her but i do not want to hear what she has to say. My therapist told me to write her a letter that i will never post, in it i put everything and most of it was just jumbled anger and asking why could she as we were also friends. I did feel slightly better afterwards and the urge to contact her went for a couple of days but it came back. I know it will do no good to contact her but the urge is really strong and I hate it because i am not an angry person and I do not feel like me at the moment.

Eryn,

Is he doing the work in IC?

Are you considering Therapy to help your healing?

It's hardly realistic he will change suddenly unless he digs on the deeper issues of "why".
It is truly important

You're almost definitely still in shock. You'll probably be in shock for 2-5 more months. My reco is to let your mind go where it wants to go and think before you act. For example, let yourself want to contact the ap, but don't do it. Let your mind wreak havoc on your WS, but don't do it.

Keep telling yourself, for at least a couple of months more, that your disorientation, anger, grief, fear, and shame are normal, and that it takes time to heal.

Keep telling yourself you will heal, because healing is eminently doable.

Keep telling yourself that this is a marathon, not a sprint.

You've been traumatized. Healing is not just a walk in the park. Healing is not logical; it's driven by feeling, not by thinking.

Patience, Eryn. Patience.

*****

IOW, letting go is a great step toward healing. It probably IS the hardest part. The more you give up trying to control the outcome, though, the better for you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:07 PM, Monday, March 16th]