I tend to write a lot in my posts, because here it is an exploration journey of myself and although I do see a lot of similarities to my experience, from both the betrayed partners and the wayward partners, I still think that my journey is purely individual.
And the price I paid for this journey was high, probably higher than anything else in my life.
So I want to get something valuable out of this.
And all starts with the need to understand.
---
If you read something that I shared here, I had quite a weird experience in the field of relationships. I have entertained myself with enough partners to fill a small village, but I only ever had 4 "real" relationships. All but one ending in betrayal.
And I never truly understood why.
Not about the betrayals, I think I get the why of those now.
I never understood why I had so much trouble in forming a normal, healthy relationship with a woman before.
So I lately asked myself a lot of "why?" Why couldn't I let them closer to me? Why I was shutting them out when they wanted to get serious with me? Why was I playing hard to get when I truly wanted connection? Why did I put my boundary into "physical only" and bailed out whenever someone started to come up into my mind? Why when I felt the most happy, it was in those teenager platonic relationships that were emotional only? Why was I denying myself this kind of happiness?
This exercise almost started for "fun" bore some surprising insight.
I remembered my "pre-first love" girlfriend, we were basically children, yes there was kissing but it was mostly cuddling and holding hands, long phone calls letters, pictures, walks and trips. No sex, both virgins, but there is not a thing about it that I do not remember fondly, even when we broke up, it was "clean" and I am happy she lives a fulfilled life today.
Why? Was is the lack of sex that made it "pure"? Nah I do not think so. We simply did not because we never had the chance to be alone for enough time, in a place where 'our first time' would have been ideal, or it would have happened.
I think it was the emotional connection, no matter how immature, that made it 'pure', pleasant, nourishing.
I think that is something I craved way more than I craved 'bodies meeting in the dark', and since then I was looking for.
Then I had my first sexual experiences, with the work I did back then it was way easier than most my peers to 'get some' and I had those experiences in a messed up way. Instead of discovering it organically with my girlfriend, naturally, slow, like most people normally do, I went directly to home base.
to me it happened with girls from clubs, modelling agencies, often older and way smarter than a kid, often involving alcohol, sometimes more than one in the same bed. Back then it was obviously mind blowing and "wow" at least at the start, but I can't help to see now that even then I felt as 'something is off', something important was missing, it was like driving the first time and going full speed without ever having learned the basics.
Of course my stupid teenager brain could not process it then, just imagine the dopamine high, but the feelings (or lack of thereof) were telling. I had a void I could not fill, and kept thinking about my 'Lil Girlfriend' feeling, wondering why those 'relationships' (they really weren't worthy of that name, more just sexual encounters really) were not as fulfilling as the teen romance, even if 'by the book' I was getting it all. As an adult now I understand what was missing was emotions, there was adrenaline but I was the 'trophy guy' for those girls and women, not a partner, not mature enough to be worthy of that consideration. I was totally oblivious back then to this.
And then it happened, on holiday I met my first "proper girlfriend" it wasn't just ONS like others, we kept in touch and stayed even after, I went exclusive to her immediately and I was again feeling the butterflies like the 'teen romance' (Ok, I was 16 so technically still teen, but in those years I felt like grown up, so talking from that perspective here) so I let myself go, completely and fully, fell in love, and this time it was "mature love".
I think there is where I broke, if the messed up prior experiences where cracking my balance into discovering relationships and sex, this was the coup the grace, because is when I rediscovered the love as I knew it earlier, 'pure' but this time was both emotional and physical, finally complete.
And when she betrayed me I was completely blindsided. The way she did was brutal because it was a visual display with her ex boyfriend when she lured me at her place as we had long distance relationship, different cities, that for a 16 years old boy and a 14 years old girl might as well be different continents.
Ironically it was in a club, an environment too familiar to the old me, we went in all 3, me, her and this 23 years old guy (so technically a pedophile) and they basically have sex on a couch in front of me.
The fact that today I still only recall very nitid flashes of that and the aftermath should be telling on the magnitude of the attachment wound and relational shock I must have suffered back then. I know I went numb and did not cry, at least for the trip back, but I sunk inside, deeply. I still remember her chatter when she accompanied me to pick my train back home to never see her again in my life.
And I thought it was not that big of a deal, because I stopped missing her, I forgot about her, and when she (unavoidably) came back to check in and see if we could try again, I tell her to "go to hell", not in those words, I simply said that is like she never existed in the first place.
And while I healed from her, because I felt absolutely nothing about her betrayal or missed her as a person, the attachment wound very likely did not. Because of how I went from there it was clearly a complete diffidence and mistrust of women in general.
Why did I feel that? Because likely my messed up experiences before and broken attachment after her, made up for a concoction that told my system "this is how it works in the grown up world, love is flickering, sex is all you can get, you saw it, you experienced it, is all transactional. Do not trust the dopamine, it's just a trap for the pain"
A good thing from that is that I reduced a lot my exposure to the "high life" of parties, clubs and modelling. I still did for the money but I tried to avoid indulging too much into the 'afterparty' side of things. Because after that there was a vein of disgust involved, not even the hype of this kind of 'lifestyle' was the same after my first betrayal.
I understand how I got broken now, and what happened later is probably a derivative of this broken attachment.
Admitting it.
This was hard, because I played a role into dooming my future relationships. I went out the 'high life' circle besides for the much needed easy money that could provide me with, but I was sort of 'corrupted' already in my idea of relationship between a male and a female, having learned "transactional sex"+"Love < transactional sex = betrayal", I went into the regular life with a toxic concoction of broken emotions and twisted expectations.
So I replicated what I have imprinted in me with normal girls. I became sort of a player, not because that was my goal, but because I was terrified of wanting to be with one and ending up burned again like with my first real girlfriend.
And I lived for years with an emotional void. A void that I allowed no one, not even the best girl I dated (and I met many who were really amazing, looking back now in hindsight), to fill.
I wanted the connection, I was scared of the connection because it brings pain and betrayal, so I avoided exclusivity and cut them off whenever things got too close with one.
What was I looking for? Connection, but it had to be with someone who I was both attracted to, and who felt 'safe' enough not to betray me like before.
So I discarded all those amazing girls who truly wanted me in full, because the very thing that I found attractive, their secure attachment and strength, their awareness of their self- worth, was for my messed up emotions too "risky".
And I leaned into selecting girls who were having "low self-worth" and "people pleasing"traits, because I read them as 'safer'.
That's right: because I was afraid of cheating, I was leaning toward women with the classic traits of a cheater.
And it happened exactly like advertised. I leaned in. let myself go. Got betrayed. Again.
Admitting this, was really hard. But the truth is: I set up myself to fail in my future relationships.
I had to swallow that it was on me searching for the very same profile of the one who hurt me so much, instead of learning from the mistakes and looking for those traits as red flags.
This does not mean that their cheating it was my fault or excusing betrayal by any stretch of imagination.
This is on them, all of it. But I programmed myself to fall for these kind of women. I can see that now, I was a self fulfilling prophecy and each betrayal was a harder blow to my identity and emotional stability.
The next step was to own this understanding.
I set myself up for failure, but I still went all in with those girls because their "sweet and vulnerable" side, their insecurity, low self worth and people pleasing, awaken into me the protector instinct.
They were terrified I would leave them for someone else. I would not, I would never so I "had to" prove it. They were afraid I would cheat. That was so repulsive for me, even just the idea, that I bent over backwards to show that could never happen. They were ambivalent towards my confidence (which it was in good part an act, as it is for many young men), so I had to make myself more 'safe'.
I did try and succeeded into reassuring these girls that I was the safest partner they would ever meet. They loved it at the start, they felt safe and took me for granted. And then they betrayed me.
I did not cause that, their character flaw is why they cheated. But sure as hell I did not help to correct their flaw or to be 'the prize' following that approach. They might have cheated either way, however undoubtfully my 'tactics' lead them into leaning into cheating more than their natural tendencies.
Simply because the very same character flaws that make attractive an AP are the fantasy projections of the wayward, and if in the beginning I was their fantasy projection, the moment they took me for granted, the moment I performed a gratuitous "pick me dance", when there was no competition at all, those projections crumbled to dust like they usually do, just faster.
This still means they were not safe partners to begin with. But I need to own the fact that my behavior and messed up understanding of connection, attachment and relationships gave them the green light.
Of course they came back, they always do. With the one who today is my wife my usual response "you exist for me no more" did not work, because I felt for her way too hard.
And onwing the fact that in her case in particular, was my behavior pushing her to cheat, is way more painful and hard to swallow than the rest.
Because I do not care for the others, but it is taking a lot of effort not to care for her.
Especially because she seems to really regret her choices, she is working on resolving her issues, and I am not entirely sure if I should stop or not, the process of severing all the remaining emotional ties I still have to her.
Rebooting.
The last part is a work in progress. It partially happened naturally during my 'awakening'. Too many years of betrayal trauma and PTSD broke me beyond any hope to rebuild my old self. Which might be a good thing.
I now fear not a real relationship. With boundaries, exposure, vulnerability. After all I've seen the abyss already, I do know what lies at the bottom, and I know the way out of it. I am no longer afraid to fall, and I can see the red flags from miles now.
If instincts are good, trusting your gut is a gospel I will always follow since it tells you something that you need to listen to, before even the mind catches up, there is still work to be done after all.
Understanding the why, accepting them, owning them and changing your ways. In every aspect of your life. It is a lot of work.
It also strangely gave me empathy for my wayward, now that I can see the flaws with clarity I do feel their pain more than I ever could.
I see they are no monsters, just weak and flawed human individuals losing their compass and self sabotaging. I can understand those are wounds they carry over from their past, and they desperately want to heal them even if they are not aware of, so they look to the outside to soothe the pain and fill the void.
An them like you, are not unworthy or unlovable. Like you they are worthy and lovable people who need to heal a deep internal pain that will lead you astray if you do not, like it lead me outside the correct path in a different way.
Self love and self healing is a really good medicine. I put part of my path here in words the best I could, as in how I do understand it in this very moment. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but might be good for me after all.
[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 11:21 PM, Monday, March 16th]
