SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband has been an alcoholic for 10 years. 6 years ago I realized the magnitude. Since then I have consistently found hidden bottles etc. I have approached him with the hard conversations every few months and in many different ways...sadness, anger, support, worry, sent him therapist info, articles to read etc. Once in 2022 I found crystal meth (that he got from my brother, another long story). I lost it. I told him I will not be intimate with him because I am disgusted. I told him he needed therapy and to start doing the hard work. The drugs stopped there. Promises were always made but never kept about the drinking.
2 months ago I found out that he cheated on me with an escort last year while he was on a work trip in Vegas (when I was looking for hidden bottles I came across a bag with sex toys). He was going on the same trip the week after I found out and had every intention of doing it again (didn't have her specific info or anything but was bringing the bag in case the situation presented itself again).
Since that revelation he has been going to therapy twice a week (I am also in therapy), quit drinking and we are going to a marriage counselor once a week. He has been put on medication for depression/anxiety and medication to curb the need for drinking. He has shown remorse, shame and guilt...but none of those before I found out, only after. He has begged for some time to get the therapy to make sense of the demons in his head and work on us. We have had numerous conversations over the past 2 months, we were able to string 6 straight happy days together last week so that felt good. We have 3 kids (19,17 and 13). No one knows. I'm afraid if I tell any friends or family because they will hate him, and they will. If I chose to stay I don't want to have to be the middle man between him and loved ones. All of the hard work I'm putting in is exhausting. It seems so unfair that I have been fighting this fight alone for 6 years and now have to continue with the add in of cheating. I don't know if I can do this. I can't get his "special night" out of my head and heart. It would KILL my children if we divorced and quite frankly me as well. I don't want one less moment with my kids, I did nothing to have them taken away 50% of the time or whatever the courts would declare. All of this being said, I'd like to know if anyone has a similar situation and how they handled it and moved forward. With or without the marriage? Will the hurt of the cheating ever subside? Can I trust him again? I have always been a relatively confident person, I am a shell of myself most days and I hate that. Will I ever get ME back?

Will the pain of the infidelity ever subside? Maybe. Will you ever be able to trust him again? Maybe. Will you ever feel 100% complete again? Maybe.

Discovering infidelity eviscerates a person. Everything you believe to be true and real and safe evaporates in seconds. It takes years to rebuild the relationship and more years to rebuild the trust that has been destroyed. There is nothing fast about this process.

IC for both of you is a great idea. Starting MC right away is a mistake IMO. MC's tend to focus on putting the affair behind you and building a brand new shiny sparkly relationship. I suggest individual IC for several months and then you decide whether or not you want to try again to work on the relationship

But your husband has to do the work. He broke the relationship and he needs to fix it. You need to focus on healing yourself and then decide what you want and what is best for you.

You have found a great place for support and advice

Sorry to hear your story.
From my experience with infidelity and alcoholism, and alcoholism in general, is that the healing process is quite linear. Right NOW nothing has priority over his fix. This is why I – as a cop – was arresting drunk parents with their kids in the car. The fix was the main issue, family second. If an active alcoholic has a choice between one more drink or making it home for dinner… the drink will always win.

Until he has his addiction in some form of control there is no way he can make any fruitful contribution to your marriage. At best he can not cheat, and that’s about it.

If you are up to it and want some hope for this marriage then IMHO your best bet is to accept that for the next 60 days the ONLY goal is sobriety. Not bare-knuckle, I-will-be-dry sobriety, but daily AA, sponsor, detox… a PROGRAM. A defined plan with daily goals. Once he’s detoxed his body and started clearing his mind is the phase where he might be able to work on the marriage.

I encourage you to look into Al Anon. Chances are this stiutation has already heavily impacted you.

I also encourage you to understand the hereditary power of addictions and talk to your kids. For each year they remain sober, the lower the probability of them becoming addicts too. Like… if I was alcoholic, and my son started drinking at 18 there would be something like a 50% chance he would eventually have to deal with his own addiction. If I could delay it to him being 22 years, that lowers to maybe 20%.

With or without the marriage? ... Will I ever get ME back?

Gently, that's up to you. Some of us have gotten ourselves back and R'ed; some of us have D'ed. My reco is to focus on your own healing and give up trying to control the D/R outcome. You (and your kids) really can live a good life either way. Another reco is to bring these questions to your IC sessions, where you can get help figuring out what you want and how to get as close to that as possible.

Will the hurt of the cheating ever subside?

Healing is a process of making the pain subside. It takes time and effort - and you can do it, even if you don't realize that right now.

Can I trust him again?

Probably. At some point you'll probably know if you can or can't rely on your WS to give you the support you need and want. It may take a while for him to show his pattern of behavior, but I'm confident he'll show it.

I have always been a relatively confident person, I am a shell of myself most days and I hate that.

Yeah. That's unavoidable, IMO. A foundation you've based your life on has disintegrated. That's traumatic. A good IC can help. Have some faith in yourself - you really can survive and thrive after betrayal.

It would KILL my children if we divorced and quite frankly me as well.

This is not me nudging you one way or the other, but just saying that people tend to catastrophize what a divorce might do to their kids. My parents divorced when I was 12 years old, and not only was I not destroyed, I was relieved. I'd much rather have lived with one or the other than with both of them together in a dysfunctional relationship.

I'd be willing to bet your kids might be pretty uncomfortable living with an alcoholic father who stashes bottles of booze around the house, then the added tension of living with 2 people who feel having 6 good consecutive days in a row is an accomplishment.

Again, I'm not saying you should divorce or reconcile. I think it's too early for you to know for sure if that's what you want, but don't use staying just for the kids as a reason to live in misery. They'll pick up on that misery, and you might be surprised at how they could feel about a separation.