jailedmind (original poster member #74958) posted at 1:30 AM on Monday, March 30th, 2026
So my father passed away in November. He took Maid. My little brother passed 2 years before and my mom passed during the time I found out about my wife's affair 12 years ago. I'm the last man standing in my first family. I got my dad's estate finished and we went home after the funeral. Then the triggers hit, then the movies started. i knew something was going on and of coarse my adult kids see the change. They know nothing of the affair. So they start saying I need therapy for grieve because that what they know. I know I'm in trouble because I'm regressing fast. So I start EDMR for the movies. Of coarse I'm communicating this all with my wife. And then I start ruminating again. I get that my mom's death and the affair got intertwined. My dad's death triggered the affair movies. I ruminated about the hotel rooms.My wife is going on two years sober. Not a drink. She's a different person now. But she's having a hard time with my regression as am I. It's causing both of us real issues. It's like some weird trauma induced grieving process that is difficult to contain. Like so bad I literally feel sucked back into our bedroom during D day when I confronted her and she told me she screwed her AP. Then my ruminating restarted about the hotel rooms and then we started arguing. Which we haven't done in years. I'm doing EDMR but we start processing tomorrow. I feel 20 years older and I'm exhausted like I was post DDay. I thought this shit was done. I get triggered by the most bizarre things. And it's like I'm right back there. Anybody else get it this bad this far out?
Asterisk ( member #86331) posted at 2:01 AM on Monday, March 30th, 2026
I am so sorry you are in a state of reliving your wife’s affair. But you are not alone with latent memories and ruminations 12 years out. In my case it was a passing thought that drug me back to D-day. Disclosure day for me was 33 years ago. I was shocked that I was reliving, redealing with, and relooking at my wife with the eyes I had on D-day.
What was suggested to me was to stay in the moment and see my wife as she is today not yesterday. As you said, your wife is 2 years sober and not the same woman she was when she was drinking. Lean into that reality for that is what you are living now.
It wasn’t easy at 1st but once I got my brain to stay present, the pain was reduced tremendously.
I have no doubt you will receive other great advice that may or may not fit your situation or interest. Just be fluid with what your options may be for it is real easy to get stuck thinking there is only one right way through this.
Whatever you do, know you are not alone in this.
Asterisk
