SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone

I am new here and wanted to introduce myself and share a brief summary of my situation.

I have been married for 28 years and with my husband for 29. We have two children and have built a full life together. Over the years we have supported each other through health issues, parenting and difficult family dynamics.

Recently I discovered that early in our marriage during these difficult times, before we had children, my husband was unfaithful multiple times. This included seeing sex workers on four occasions in this country, and two back to back brothel visits during a stag trip in Amsterdam. Six altogether.

He also had an inappropriate emotional involvement at that time with a married work colleague who was unhappy in her relationship and confided in my husband about her lack of intimacy at home. I had a strong suspicion about this at the time but was reassured it was platonic.

He even introduced me to her, and she was openly unpleasant towards me. At one point she lent him a copy of the movie "Eyes Wide Shut" and suggested he watch it with me, which in hindsight feels inappropriate given what was going on. We also met socially as couples, which now feels deeply uncomfortable.

I have since learned they kissed on two occasions and met for secret drinks repeatedly.

All of this was hidden from me for 24 years.

The discovery has been extremely difficult. I went through shock, anger, disgust and constant mental replay, which I know many of you will understand. I now feel I finally have the details I need for my own clarity and I am no longer asking questions about the past.

At the moment I am in an observation phase. He has expressed guilt and wants to move forward, and I have been clear that rebuilding requires trust, honesty, transparency and accountability. I am focusing on how he shows up now rather than continuing to dissect what has already happened, as I have already spent months dealing with nightmares and intrusive thoughts.

I am not in a place of making any final decisions yet. I am taking the next few weeks to observe behaviour, stay grounded and see whether this relationship aligns with my standards going forward.

I would appreciate hearing from others who are further along in this process, especially around rebuilding trust and managing the emotional waves.

Thank you

ButterflyInProgress

Hey butterfly , sorry you joined the club but welcome, you will leave it stronger even if now you can’t see it yet.

Know nothing of this is about you or your fault in any way, you weren’t ever even given a choice here.

Betrayal is one of the deepest traumas there is, right on the top echelon, so you be prepared for the ride on the roller coaster from hell. That too will pass.

Finding out decades after means absolutely nothing, the nerve system doesn’t comprehend time, it’s exactly like it happens now, so care for it, don’t allow the excuse of past to damage your chances of healing.

You need to process your emotions to begin putting order in the chaos, talking in such a space is helpful because above it all, you need to be heard, your nerve system desperately begs for it.

You have been heard.

You will meet a lot of empathy and insight here from BS like you and reformed WS that can help to navigate your personal odyssey.

I must raise you a red flag 🚩 in case you are not yet aware of it

At the moment I am in an observation phase. He has expressed guilt and wants to move forward

That’s not guilt, it’s shame, very different.

Shame is selfish and completely ignores your wounds and healing. It is saying " I feel uncomfortable to see how my behavior destroyed you in your most intimate self and identity. Please move on and let’s pretend this never happened because I don’t like to confront what I did. Suffer in silence and do not bother me or I will feel bad for myself"

There is nothing for you in this. Is still the full fledged cheater pattern. Don’t accept it at any point, this should be an iron boundary.

Guilt is empathy, shame is still cheating pattern. You will learn the difference, red flag raised to help you protecting your self.

Thank you Backfromthestorm, that really resonated… I am trying to stay grounded and observe behaviour over time...

How did you discover these infidelities?

If your H has been faithful for 24 years, what caused your H to change?

Does your H understand this may have been 24 years ago for him, but it's right now for you?

Have you checked out https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/660527/for-those-who-found-out-years-later-part-2/ ?

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Have faith in yourself to heal.