Hi, I'm not sure exactly why I'm posting, but maybe because I want to get this off my chest.
I found out my partner of 14 years had a short affair with someone he worked with in the past. They no longer work together. I don't know her at all, she found me on Instagram and told me. They slept together after bumping into each other on a work Xmas night out last year when he was staying in a hotel (party wasn't local to us) and then they texted for about 3 months. She said she was developing feelings for him so she ended it. He told her he thought that was best and he was sorry if she'd misunderstood what was happening. I imagine she messaged me out of spite/rejection.
Receiving the message was absolutely earth shattering. I hadn't the slightest clue, no signs, our relationship felt as perfect as ever. We've had 14 years of pure love and happiness, we're incredibly close, txt each other all day long, do 95% of things together, best friends and so affectionate. Admittedly our sex life had declined, not to zero but probably less than it should have been. But I was incredibly happy and I believed he was too.
He is devastated by remorse and says that the affair was utterly unemotional. The texts were of a sexual/flirty nature but nothing more intimate. He can't figure out why he did it but maybe it was the thrill and flattery. At my request he's told me what happened in forensic detail - the hotel incident was awkward and not 'successful' for want of a better word. He has not offered excuses but I know he's had a hard few years with the loss of his father and taking retirement from a fulfilling job. I wonder if this was the result of some kind of midlife crisis - wanting some excitement. Still no excuse at all.
We were in therapy within days - separately for now but we will start couples therapy when we're ready. We're committed to staying together, we still have so much love for each other - 'in love' not just caring/supporting. The few weeks since D day we have had lots of intimacy, crying together, talking about the past, present and future. He has offered full access to his phone etc and says he will never again stay anywhere overnight without me.
I believe we can get trust back to a large extent, he is a good person and I don't doubt his love for me. But I'm scared of a future of triggers, the lingering feeling that we have been damaged, that loss of something very special.
There's so much more I could say but this is getting long. I guess I'd love to hear from people who have gone through a similar situation - being so close and in love and this still happening. And also people who have gone on to have not just successful reconciliations but ones filled with love and happiness. Thank you for reading
