SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I already posted about the DD anniversary a while ago. But now the date is getting closer, and so is another one: the day right after DD is our anniversary (not our wedding anniversary, but the day we used to celebrate before we got married).

My WH was apparently hoping we’d spend that day together - create a new good memory. I understand that he wants to build on the good times. He wants us to reconnect with the better parts of our story.

But I can’t go through hell again on DD and then "celebrate us" the very next day. I’ve made plans for both days and I’ll be traveling alone.

One more thing I want to add: my WH is doing everything he can to help me feel safe again. He’s in therapy, completely transparent, and his behavior has changed a lot.

Does anyone have thoughts or experiences around relationship anniversaries?

Going into my first Anti-Versary....I wasn't really sure what I wanted other than to be distracted from what seemed like it was going to be a hellish day. You for you for making plans to deal with this in a way that feels right for you. I approached it with him as, "I'm going to be struggling....I'm struggling anticipating it....whatever you can do to help distract me would be great with the caveat that I don't know what that might be AND my plans might need to change in the moment while I work through this...I might need to be with you AND I might need to be far away from you....this is the realty of my situation right now." I also probably added something about it being his fault that I was in this situation.

Our first wedding anniversary post DDay, I felt similarly. Celebrating us just felt disingenuous to me.

The thing about an affair, is it torched the good and the bad of our marriage for me. I'm many years past DDay. But, in those early years....when I was still just trying to survive....remembering the good felt like another lie. As if in my mind, remembering our amazing wedding just reminded me that he was still the bastard who cheated on me. Eventually, I was able to start celebrating where we were now and the progress that we made. That was worthy of celebrating to me. Since then, we plan new exeperiences rather than focusing on the old.

Tell him what you need. If he's doing this hardwork to be safe, he'll understand. He may be disappointed, but that is a consequence of his choices...not yours. You can still love him, want to recover and reconcile and have the boundary that you're not going to be "yeah us!" for awhile or ever in the same way.

Our 45th wedding anniversary is on Saturday. We've been together 50 yrs. My H is dropping comments about making us a nice dinner at home and reflecting on our future 50th. Party? Trip?

I'm struggling with my feelings about "celebrating". I'm just not there yet. If anything, I can welcome our 3rd (since DD) of an honest M, but to pretend that we had an honest and authentic M for 45 yrs is too much for me right now.

We are now (both) committed to our M and unless some new revelation drops on my head We will be together til we die. I'm praying that I will one day be able to look at our life together and not be depressed. I can see the hope in his eyes and I feel bad that I can't reflect that same sentiment at the moment. Some day.

Totally sympathize. You're not alone.

Our first "big" DDay was right before my 40th birthday. Had a big party planned with friends. Went through with the party, made a fool of myself...

Second and final DDay was 2 days before our anniversary and W's birthday.

No great advice here, and everyone's different. But just posting to say I understand. It complicates celebrations like this, and ultimately it's something else to grieve, and hopefully redeem.