Hey girl welcome to the club, the one no one is looking forward to join, but we kind of were forced to when we have been betrayed.
First thing first.
You are not stupid, not blind, and nothing of this was your fault or responsibility, because you were never offered the choice.
That’s all on him, choice, intention, deception, manipulation, sordid and selfish behavior with complete lack of respect and love for you.
Now you can truly see the person you thought was a partner, for the low value individual that he chose to become.
Now you didn’t see but you felt it right?
It means you are a honest and genuine partner, a woman who can love and trust because you expect the person you chose reflects your own values and is worthy of what you give them, and reciprocates.
Your man isn’t a person who believes he is worthy, that’s often why a partner becomes a wayward.
Low self worth= let’s make it a self fulfilling prophecy.
Becoming a cheater is choosing to be trash, so now the persona matches the feelings of being unworthy. He became just that.
Cheaters are made by very specific character flaws and they cheat to feel like a different person, to fill a void they have that cannot be ever filled, as they can’t love themselves, no matter how much you pour into, there is no bottom.
So nothing real can ever be truly shared. Hence they escape into the fantasy, of being a different person, with another broken person who feels and makes themselves worthless (the affair partner) and both can,play the role of being different people, while becoming pigs rolling into the mud.
He feels like James Bond sipping champagne from a crystal glass in his fantasy. As you found out, he is really just the circus clown gulping stale piss from a plastic cup.
And now he turned his patterns to try to trick you into forgiveness so he can resume his same behaviors as soon as he thinks you relaxed.
Yes,he is still living in a fantasy, he is just that big of an idiot because his brain is on literal drugs, the dopamine high allows him to ignore his void temporarily, so he doesn’t have to face his ghosts and fix himself to become a man with a pair, instead he can keep escaping himself at your cost, completely ignoring the abuse and trauma he is causing you with his stupidity.
Sister, suggestion number 1-
Read the 180mhere in the healing library.
You have suffered one of the worst abuse and trauma that can be inflicted to a human being, and is not a joke, besides the death of a child this is right there at the top. You must put yourself first and begin your healing before being destroyed by the ptsd and all the horrible stuff that follows a betrayal.
The BS heals the BS.
Same goes for the WS but first he must take his head out of the shitpile, though he is still neck deep in and digging, so as he is is right now, tell him to duck off in your heart, and protect yourself emotionally, psychologically and mentally.
Truth is, the relationship that was before infidelity is dead, is not coming back as neither of you can erase the betrayals, that is gone, burned to ashes, dead.
You will see here that sometimes it is possible to find reconciliation between bs and WS, but only when both partners are healed, and if the BS still wants to give their WS a second chance that nobody deserves.
And is never going to be the same relationship, there is no rebuilding something that was destroyed to that extent, it is building something new, and still the ashes of the old one will always show up in time and hurt you both.
The WS needs to do a lot of work to face and resolve their ghosts and not everyone has the strength to heal and become a safe partner, because we are speaking of deeply flawed and weak characters here.
The person need to take full responsibility for what they done and realize what they actually did. Replacing the self commiseration called shame (what your husband has now, he doesn’t give a fuck about how you are hurt, he just want to rugsweeping this asap) with guilt and remorse (aka "what the hell did I do? What kind of person did I become? I am disgusted with my behavior and how deeply I hurt my partner -> empathy, something he completely ignores right now)
I’m short treat him with the 180, like he is done and you are moving forward with your life without him.
Don’t believe anything he says or gifts you. Flowers?? He can drop those over the grave of your relationship he murdered.
Moving forward? Who the fuck he thinks he is? He should start looking for where to move out and leave you in peace removing himself, the abuser, from the victim.
You come first, set your boundaries and enforce them, he is not your partner, not a person you can love right now, you have been wounded and you need to take care of yourself. He doesn’t even register in the list of priorities you need now.
Only when, but more importantly if, because is not very common, he does realize the magnitude of the damage he done, and he is ready to crawl back over broken glass to make amends to you, then and only then, you may decide to observe what he does to heal himself, still keeping yourself first and him at distance, until the change in behaviors and patterns is so clear that you may begin to consider if he is truly changing.
If he heals and when you heal, then YOU (is all your decision, nobody else) might see if you feel like giving him a second chance and try to begin the path to reconciliation.
Which is a hard and long one.
You will need with the correct support and therapy 2-5 years to begin healing from betrayal trauma.
And it will not be a fun ride.
But you will become stronger in the end.
I know that what I told you was nothing cuddling or rainbows and unicorns, but that’s just how it goes.
You need now to allow your emotions to be heard, this is what this space is, there will be good advice, but the most important thing is to qualm the chaos of your emotions and for that you must voice them.
You have been heard.
Is not ok now, but allow yourself to grief and let go.
We are here for you
I
