SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I'm very much now in the midst of the divorce process. STBXWW moved out in January and we're working through the process of getting the divorce done. We have four kids. Our oldest 21 year old son and his gf moved in with his mom, our 19 year old daughter floats around but stays with me probably the most (sometimes she just stays with friends), our 16 year old daughter stays with me full time and has almost no desire to even have a relationship with her mother, and our 14 year old son goes a week with mom and a week with me.

So I recently found out that my oldest son's "best friend" (who's his gf's cousin) has now moved in with my son and ex and is living with them. He is nearly my age, living with my ex. They all swear it's all platonic and he just needed a place to stay because he's homeless. His children come over and stay at my ex's apartment when he gets them, even forcing my 14 year old son to share his room when they're there. I obviously do not believe they are "platonic" and he's just there because he's friends with my son. But even if so, it really doesn't matter. The divorce decree that has not been finalized is very clear that if she cohabitates or remarries then alimony ends. We're still in this odd limbo/separation phase where I'm directly paying her rent each month, and even if they are platonic, I don't feel it's my job to provide room and board for a grown man my own age to whom I don't owe shit. It's particularly galling to think I'm paying for this dude to have a place to lay on his unemployed ass and shack up with my ex while I work Overtime trying to afford paying a large portion of two households (all of my own and still a significant portion of hers until the house can be refinanced at divorce and she is paid out her equity). My 19 year old daughter is the one who told me about it, and basically everyone else was being very hush hush like it's being hidden. Now that I've confronted the situation and been very clear that if he stays there I'm going to stop being nearly as agreeable and kind throughout this process as I have been, the people at WW's apartment are mad at 19 year old daughter for telling me. And now 19 year old daughter is irritated with me because I acted on what she told me.

The biggest issue is with my 21 year old son. I'm pretty mad that he's put me in this position and just kind of facilitated moving in a near 40 year old man with his mother on my dime. This has become about the biggest fight him and I have ever had, and that's saying a lot because I've been through this kid being a meth addict and serving jail time. We had a lot of fights then, but they were not like this. I hurt for him then, whereas now he's pissed at me for kicking him and his mom's friend out and I'm pretty pissed off myself that they won't respect a simple boundary. I've tried explaining to both of them that I do not care what she does. My evidence is that I've never once asked who she's with or where she goes or what she does. She can date or sleep with whoever she desires. But if a man our age is going to be living with her, then in my eyes it becomes not my job to pay their bills. They can have a relationship and be adults and pay their own damned bills. And once the divorce is finalized, that's exactly how things are written up. A man living with her would be grounds to end alimony payments. Not because I'm bitter and not because I want to control her, I just don't want to pay for a man to not work.

I guess there's just a part of me that's really hurt at how blindly and fiercely my oldest has taken his mother's side and become adversarial against me. We've talked about it, and he explained that he thinks his mom is dumb. That's literally what he's said. He thinks she needs protection because if I want to outsmart her in the divorce then I can, and so he needs to be her ally even though he completely hates what she did and how she destroyed our family with her addictions and adultery. I'm not really sure what I want from him. I don't want him to hate his mom. I want them to have a relationship. But the way all this has transpired and the way it was all kept a secret from me, just like so much was during the marriage, I just know this isn't what I want from him. What are reasonable expectations in a situation like this? I don't want my kids in the middle of things, but he's kind of throwing himself into the middle of it as if he's his mama's knight in shining armor or something.

It sounds like your oldest is aiming for approval from the one parent he thinks he can get it from.

That isn't on you, it is the place he put himself in with you.

I know when I was younger, and without a lot of resources, drama and approval is all a kid has (until they grow up).

So, I don't think he is going to grow up just yet.

The easy road is hanging with the parent with the much lower expectations of him or that he gets to shine as the 'good' kid in her world.

Unfortunately, it could be a while before you both find some peace, unless, for the 100th time in this situation, you take the much higher road.

As for your daughter, truth is self-evident, she knew the situation at her mom's was wrong, that's why she told you.

Blowback for honesty is another life lesson she will hopefully understand at one point.

You've had to all the heavy lifting, it appears you will have to continue to do so, until the divorce is final.

Actually sounds more like you needed to vent (which is why SI is a good place) and already know you have to have a ways to go before you get some peace.

Your position sounds reasonable to me, Marine, and your pain at your son's behavior also sounds understandable.

You called this the messy stage of divorce, and you're 100% right. The gray zone where you're separated and moving money around, splitting up accounts, negotiating terms, etc., but not yet officially divorced is very weird (I'm in the same stage of the process). You said you're paying her rent. What are the terms of her lease? I suspect they don't allow her to randomly add more people as residents - my lease certainly doesn't. Mine even has stipulations on how long guests are allowed to stay. That might provide you a legal defense for your actions that removes some of the emotional element.

As for your son, he's an adult, so there isn't much you can do other than keep the lines of communication open and protect your boundaries. What you want from another person, even your kid, doesn't really matter. You can't control his actions or his feelings about any of what's happening. The best you can do is behave in a way that you think is right, fair, and safe. Let go of expectations. Sometimes the people we love are going to be angry with us, and vice versa.

I'm sorry that your STBXWW and son have you put in this position. That wasn't right or fair of them. Stay strong.