We've been talking a lot which has been really good and helpful. Things seem to be going well even though we have tough conversations. I tend to do most of the listening - he has been talking a lot about his depression, the mistakes he's made, and the people he has hurt.
My WS talks about how the sex with others meant nothing to him and had nothing to do with me. I can understand that because he was cheating with sex apps (you can't get more meaningless) although he did see one woman for four months and one for two months. He says that sex with me is different and means a lot more. I can understand this too. He says that he has never stopped loving me and that this came about through his depression and childhood abuse (all types). His depression got worse after his job loss and the childhood trauma has returned because there are legal proceedings to protect children from his abusers and he has been subpoenaed (spelling?). This is also bringing up memories from his childhood.
What I'm having trouble with is if it meant nothing to him, then why did he keep doing it? Escape from reality? More stress is coming - will he cheat again? He says the cheating means more to me than him. Do they all feel that way? Also, how can it not have anything to do with me? Did he not think of me at all during all of this? Wasn't the lying and sneaking part of the thrill? He said he never meant to hurt me - he never thought he'd get caught.
Sometimes, I say that I thought he was just depressed. It didn't even cross my mind that he was cheating (until I caught him of course). He doesn't like that I say "just depressed" because he feels the cheating was part of the depression and made him feel worse. I don't say "just depressed" anymore, but I feel you can be depressed without cheating. I thought he was just sitting around the house very depressed. I was talking with my parents about hospitalizing him because I was so worried. I had no idea he had this other life in this world I didn't even know existed.
I don't know if any of this makes any sense.
Other things...
He has been making an effort with our kids which is something we've talked about. He detached from our marriage, and he also detached from our kids. He is dealing is "Look who's being a father now" and "did grandpa die? Then, why are you calling?" But he shrugs it off and keeps going which I am happy about. He is now up to date with what is going on in their lives which is nice. I
