It's been 9 months since D-Day. We've been attempting reconciliation and attending marriage counseling. Progress has been slow, largely because whenever I ask questions about the affair, he tends to become defensive.
Earlier this week, though, I felt like we were finally making some progress. He made a genuine effort, sat down with me, and what he described as a "full disclosure" of the affair. For the first time in a long while, I felt a little hopeful.
But of course, after being lied to before, it's hard to simply take someone's word for it. I asked him, "Can you swear that you're telling me the truth and that this is the only person you've ever cheated with?" He said yes and swore that it was.
The problem is that he also swore before that he had never cheated on me.
So I followed up with another question. I asked whether he would be willing to sign an agreement stating that if I later discovered he had lied during disclosure or if he cheated again in the future, we would divorce and he would forfeit any financial claim to our marital assets.
His reaction caught me off guard. He immediately became angry and said, "Hell no." He then said it sounded like a scheme to take his money.
I explained that the agreement would only ever matter if he lied again or cheated again. His response was that he's already worried about his job, is going through a career crisis, and there is no way he would sign something like that.
For context, I'm in California and I already know an agreement like this would likely not be legally enforceable. I wasn't really asking because I expected it to hold up in court. For me, it was more about whether he was willing to put some real stakes behind his words.
I think what disappointed me most wasn't just that he refused to sign it, but how quickly and strongly he reacted. Part of me thought that if someone was truly remorseful and committed to rebuilding trust, they should be willing to do almost anything to reassure their spouse.
So I'm looking for some perspective from others who have been through this.
Is asking for something like this unreasonable? Is it unfair to view his refusal as a red flag? Or am I expecting something that most remorseful wayward spouses wouldn't agree to either?
I'd appreciate any honest feedback. Thanks!
