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I have been married to my wife for 18 years, we have the most wonderful son who is 15. She has had a lifelong childhood male friend who is a family friend. he is more than 10 years older than her and has been in the family since she was very young. Her parents and his parents were friends, hence the family friendship. I have always had this uneasy feeling about their relation but put it down to long time family friendship. she has also always downplayed it saying they just really close because they grew up together. Recently we had a big fight over the lack of intimacy in our marriage, but this lack of intimacy has been an issue for many years. I have just come to find out that she has been sleeping with this friend on and off since 2012 and I am completely shattered and heart broken. I am yet to confront her as our son is in the middle of exams and I need to for his sake maintain stability. I plan to confront her this coming weekend as my son will be away due to a long weekend.

I don't know how to cope with this systematic betrayal that has taken place over the last 14 years. my head is spinning and I feel like I am spiralling out of control. I have not eaten in a week and cannot sleep.

The part of me that hates her for doing this just wants to never see her again, but the part that loves her wants to try and overcome this, but how would I ever be able to overcome this level of betrayal.

her relationship with our son is so constraint as well to the point that he says he hates her, this is all without him knowing this betrayal as yet and my feeling is that he will most certainly hate her after finding this out.

i am so conflicted and just need some advice please.

So sorry you find yourself here. You will find here many others to support you... we have walked in the shoes you are now wearing.

In the Healing Library on this site are a lot of helpful articles. This is one article I think all newly betrayeds should read:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/calling-all-bses/

Those who have had to go through the confrontation will be along to help you with that. One phrase I have found to be helpful is when the wayward spouse tries to spin the conversation around to try and make out that you were at fault is this: "I am sorry you feel that way". Period. Don't elaborate. Just "I am sorry you feel that way". That one phrase does a lot to defuse the situation.

Good luck with everything.

Very sorry you find the need to be here. You have been heard. First of all take care of you. Get tested for STD’s. Eat healthy. Get as much sleep as you can. Exercise and try to stay active. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused her to cheat. Read in the healing library and the pinned posts. Your WW has lived another parallel life behind your back. Your entire view of your life and M has been shattered. Do not take this trauma lightly. Do seek IC to help you deal with your trauma. See an attorney to learn your rights.

When you confront be calm and firm. Do not beg or plead. Do not allow her to blameshift or manipulate you. You know she is cheating, it is not a question.

Always value yourself.

Do not rush to make a decision while your emotions are high. But do prepare yourself for hearing lies and gaslighting when she is confronted. Do think about what you want from her upon confrontation. Do you want a full confession? Do you want to separate? Assuming she is still involved in her A, inform her AP’s betrayed wife if he is married. Hang in there. You will get through this. Be there for your son. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:21 AM, Friday, June 12th]

So sorry you are here, You got good advice already so please read and heed it. Also look through the healing library and all the posts in the Just Found Out forum with the bullseyes in front of them. You may have to go back a few pages, but those are golden.

LTA (long term affairs) are especially brutal and when it was with a friend, it’s a double betrayal.This is a HUGE TRAUMA. Take exquisite care of yourself — this can have real impacts on your health.

Who IRL can you talk to? You need outlets. Look for an IC (individual counselor) who specializes in trauma. Do you have a sibling or bestie or pastor you can talk to?

Please see your doctor for STI/STD testing. Talk to them if you can’t sleep, too. You need sleep healthy food,lots of water, exercise, and avoid alcohol/drugs (ask me how I know on that one ). In the next week, try to talk to a couple lawyers JUST to get an understanding of your situation. KNowlege is power, so get the knowledge. It really helps reduce the fear of the unknown.

Keep posting. And know that this is 100% on her. Maybe your marriage was not perfect (none are) so you may be responsible for 50% of your M. But she CHOSE to cheat over and over and that is 100% on you.

You will get through this. Promise. Hang in there.