Is this pattern familiar to you:
In the begining after DDay whenever i would bring it up there would be arguing and crying on both parites.
Then it moved to him adjusting to me "still" being upset after year three---but he would still react to my triggers in a rage or like a giant cry baby and arguing would insue...
then it went to instead of him reacting and shame spiraling he would get quiet and listen better but i could still see the stuff underneath.....
He kept improving.....he apologizes and reassures instead of being silent.
Basically he gradually went from tantrums on Dday, to smaller tantrums, to yelling, to active listening, to reassurance....and now.. drum roll please:
He responds more maturely and lets me know that he hears me and understands why I feel the way I do.......but the rest of the day he's kind of quiet and i feel like he's distant.
I tell him that You caused a gunshot to my heart with the affair---then something triggers me or brushes up against the wound....then I share my pain....and then he goes silent in reflection after active listening and reassurance.
I feel like he undermines the growth of the active listening and reassurance by then withdrawing and going silent. I am so sick of this. When will he respond in a way that doesn't keep the pain at the surface......he still doesn't quite know how to help me through my pain. I know it's been a long time but I still feel sad....and his response (although it's much better than before) is still not leaving me better than he found me.
