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Lately, I keep watching her try so hard to change. On some level, I know I'm supposed to feel grateful for it. I know I'm supposed to look at the effort, the therapy, the apologies, the crying, and the realizations, and feel some kind of hope.
But I don't. Sometimes it just makes me feel sick.

Because what is she actually trying so hard to become? Honest? Loyal? Safe? Someone who can tell the truth without being forced into a corner? Someone who thinks about her husband and children before destroying them? Someone who doesn't lie for years, or bring another man into the sacred parts of our life? That’s not some heroic transformation. That’s the bare minimum. That’s the floor. That’s the person I thought I married nineteen years ago.

And that is what unnerves me.

Her "best self" right now isn't some extraordinary, elevated version of her. It’s not perfection or sainthood. She isn't being asked to do the impossible. Her best self is just the woman I deserved from the very beginning.

That thought absolutely guts me. I didn't need to be taught not to cheat. I didn't need therapy to understand that loyalty mattered. I didn't need catastrophic consequences to realize that lying to someone for years is cruel. I didn't need to lose everything before I protected my family, and I didn't need to watch her collapse in order to be decent to her.

So why did I have to be completely destroyed just for her to start becoming decent to me?

That’s the part I can’t escape.

I see the effort. I see that she’s trying, and I know she isn't the same person she was six months ago. I’m not blind, and I’m not trying to be unfair. But there is a deep, quiet rage in watching someone work this hard to become what they should have been when they took your hand, made vows, built a home, had children, and let you believe you were safe.
It feels like standing in the ruins of your life while someone proudly shows you the first brick of the house they never should have burned down in the first place.

And I’m supposed to clap for the brick.

Does she expect a atta girl for trying to be decent?

I’m supposed to be moved by the fact that honesty is finally being installed. That empathy is finally showing up. But where was all of this when it could have spared me? Where was this woman when I was giving her my life in good faith? Where was this effort when I still had a chance to choose my own reality?

That is what makes it so impossible to trust. It’s not just what she did, it’s how much agonizing work it takes for her to be safe now. If being honest and faithful requires this much effort, how am I ever supposed to rest inside that? How do I find peace? How do I not constantly wonder what happens when she gets tired of trying? Or comfortable again in the new house made of brick?

I don't want to punish change. I know it matters. But I cannot pretend it doesn't hurt like hell to realize that the version of her I am being asked to believe in now, is just the version I thought I already had. The version any adult relationship requires.

I feel every single word of this post. I wish I had answers (I don't), but wanted you to know that you're not alone.

Good morning, Gemmy.

Who says you're "supposed" to do anything? I don't think there's any reason you "should" feel grateful or appreciative of her efforts to own and fix her shit. You're under no obligation here. This is why we tend to say around here that R is a gift we freely offer for... well, pick your own reasons. Or not.

Why are you putting so much pressure upon yourself?

Because what is she actually trying so hard to become?

I think this is a great question to ask her. She might not have a great answer right now. I wouldn't expect an epiphany. However, I think the discussion might help.

That’s not some heroic transformation.

Heroic? Maybe not. Personally, I think the work I watched my ex do was impressive. I think the work I've seen a few WS do here on SI was impressive.

Similarly, I've been impressed by BSs who have done the work to heal themselves and address their own personal issues.

Change occurs when the pain of same exceeds the pain of Change. And it's very hard to do. And it takes time. Lot's of time. Lots of hard, consistent work. And it's always a work-in-progress, a constant, determined effort to be the best version of ourselves.

If you're up for it, read Marcus Aurelius' "Meditations." The Emperor of Rome spent many of his nights reflecting the day's events, his decisions, lessons learned, and how he might improve himself tomorrow.

Her best self is just the woman I deserved from the very beginning.

There's a line at the end of Clint Eastwood's movie "Unforgiven" (written by David Webb Peoples) that I've never forgetton. William Muny is standing over Little Bill, Henry rifle in hand. Little Bill says: "I don't deserve this, to die like this. I was building a house." Muny glares at him and says: "Deserves got nothing to do with it."

I find that tidbit of "wisdom" to be applicable in a great many situations in life. Deserves got nothing to do with it.

Do you think your wife deserves the GIFT of reconciliation?

So why did I have to be completely destroyed just for her to start becoming decent to me?

I know you're feeling destroyed, dear sir. I know. BTDT. I also know that one day you'll realize that you have not been destroyed, that you will heal, that you'll put yourself back together and come out the other side stronger and wiser. It just takes time and you're still in the early stages.

Be gentle with yourself.

How do I find peace?

You step back and detach from your WW, watch and observe what she does with the opportunity you've given to her. You focus on you, your recovery and healing. You lead your best life, on your terms.

I cannot pretend it doesn't hurt like hell to realize that the version of her I am being asked to believe in now, is just the version I thought I already had.

Yep! It's a mind-fuck of epic proportions. You don't have to believe it, Gemmy. Not yet, anyway. One day, years from now, you might feel comfortable with her and know that she's become an authentic human being. Or not.

How long you're willing to give R a chance is completely up to you. It's not a vow. It's not an iron clad contract or divine commandment. Maybe you'll wake up tomorrow and decide "fuck this shit, I'm done!"

The uncertainty sucks, doesn't it?

I see the effort. I see that she’s trying, and I know she isn't the same person she was six months ago. I’m not blind, and I’m not trying to be unfair. But there is a deep, quiet rage in watching someone work this hard to become what they should have been when they took your hand, made vows, built a home, had children, and let you believe you were safe.

She is trying to be the person you deserve now. The one she hasn't been even though you believed she was until she proved she wasn't. She is putting in the effort to get there. It's your choice whether or not to give her that chance. It's totally unfair, but to make this work you'll need to accept that things will never be balanced. At this stage, I would expect you to feel the way you do. She hasn't had the time to prove she has figured it out. She probably still working on that figuring it out thing.

The easier path would have been to move on to find someone who hasn't betrayed you. But that's not an automatic solution. You still have to do your own work. You'll need to work on not transferring the resentment and mistrust to someone new. There is also always the risk of someone new having the same underdevelopment as your wife.

This is a very normal reaction.

No you do not need to clap or congratulate. As I told you it’s not your job to empathize. These are early days for you, and you are doing what you should be doing—feeling your feelings, recognizing the injustice, being in your own side, protecting yourself.

Eventually, should you decide to reconcile I think you will see the integration of the changes she has made and the night and day it can make for your marriage.

After all, what you have described is deep loneliness and unhappiness, a lot of that is humans are very much in the way of connection. After some healing has occurred and some consistency is made eventually you begin to reap new benefits from all that has been learned on both sides. It’s a long journey for that. Don’t force yourself to eat the shit sandwich as quickly as possible. Let her keep going and you focus on you and what you need.

Normal feelings all of them, you should not coax yourself away from how you feel. Instead look beneath it. Ask yourself why are you pressuring yourself to be something you are not in the situation. Where does that programming come from? You have a lot of trauma in your past there are layers of that still effecting you here. Don’t need to people please to ease your fear of a andonmnet for example? I am not saying that’s at all the case but there is a dig that you do on yourself too—the things that trigger you most have the layers you will eventually need to unwind.

Anger at this stage is normal, ask yourself why you think you can’t react normally to it?

Again, not looking for you to answer me—just trying to guide you to look at why you feel that pressure.

Wow, I don't think I have ever read such a powerful post in my short time on this forum. Every single word resonates for me.

I too wonder if one day when she feels comfortable enough in the relationship she will revert back to the person she was. The person who saw sexting with a married coworker as harmless fun. The woman who about a year earlier was outraged at her sister's fiance because it was discovered that he was sexting with a woman he met on Tinder

Will she once again become the woman who is capable of putting her arms around me and saying I love you and talking about our dream to build a retirement home in Tennessee and at the same time carrying on with another man or men?

Friday afternoon while having lunch she said something very callous and when I got upset she reverted right back to her typical SOP. She became upset that I was upset. Her apology lacked any sincerity. In the past I would have just let it go because I was terrified she would leave me but I don't have that fear anymore so the argument escalated. We spent about a year in MC and she spent about 2 years in IC and I thought we had learned how to Simply communicate about a problem, but I was wrong. She became more and more upset and then the tears started and then she started spiraling so I stopped the conversation and took her in my arms to calm her down which in hindsight was a mistake. I should have simply walked away but this internal duty to protect is strong Within Me

We let it go for the rest of the day because we were at a firework show with the RV and we had the kids and my sister-in-law joining us so rather than ruined the entire day I put on a happy face

The conversation picked up at 8:00 a.m. Saturday morning and I told her your tears are manipulative. I said your apology lacked any sincerity. She said well you got angry at the restaurant while we were talking and I said no I didn't, I was upset because of what you said, because it was hurtful. I didn't yell,I didn't give you mean looks, I just stared at my food until I was ready to talk and then I said now I know what you think of me

She said I didn't mean it the way I said it, what I meant was blah blah blah to which I replied so which do I believe? What you said when you said it or your explanation now?

So like Gemmy said, how can I believe that she has truly changed after what just happened? How can I believe that the next time some man starts dropping compliments she won't smile and think game on! One of her pathetic excuses as to why she started up with her AP was that she was not feeling good about herself because she was closing in on 50 and the kids were independent and her hair was thinning out and she was putting on weight and her skin was getting loose and so on.

When you are unhappy about something, committed couples should turn to each other for support, yet my wife chose to start sexting with a 10 years younger married coworker. What happens when she turns 55? Or she puts on a few more pounds? How can I believe that if something is bothering her greatly she will come to me to talk about it instead of seeking external validation yet again?