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I honestly wasn't sure where to post this so I hope it's alright I post it here. I wanted to get some outside opinions on the topic of consequences for a cheating partners actions. As of right now I am leaning towards attempting reconciliation. He says he is sorry for what he has done and he wants to get help. He has found a support group and also a therapist. One thing that I am stuck on is the idea of consequences. I feel that moving forward, forgiving him, and letting him back into my life this soon let's him get off easy. If there are no consequences, then what will deter him from cheating again? It's been about two weeks and he has been staying in a detached portion of our home. He has spent the last two weeks not having to do any housework or do anything to actually care for our children. He still sees them the same amount as before dday, however now he just gets to play with them without actually having to do any of the hard stuff like meal times, bath time, bedtime, etc. In my eyes, it seems like he's had to pay no real price for what he's done. In fact, his life seems to have gotten easier.

I'm not sure if what I'm saying makes much sense or if it makes me sound vindictive. I just feel like I have suffered so much from the lying and cheating over the past 20 years and he gets to be invited right back in without consequence.

I’m not much on giving advice because WH has cheated multiple times and I’m still with him. So clearly my WH’s consequences were not enough and I still hate myself for being weak.
Anyway 2 weeks isn’t that long. It sounds like he’s trying. If he moves back in, will it go back to before dday? Dinner together? Sleeping in same bed? Watching TV together? I’m just trying to give you things to think about but ultimately it’s your decision and no situation is the same.
Wishing you peace!

As of right now I am leaning towards attempting reconciliation.

Hello, Drowningingrief. The opportunity to reconcile is a GIFT that we offer to a wayward spouse. The bulk of the work falls squarely on the shoulders of the wayward spouse. Your WH broke your marriage and it is up to him to do everything he can to repair the damage, help you to heal, and to own and fix his shit.

I would highly recommend buying a copy of:

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair; A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful"

By Linda J. MacDonald

It's a short book, although it's hard for most WS to read. Around here, it's considered essential reading. If he reads it and takes it to heart, reconciliation might be possible. If he chooses not to read it, I would highly recommend taking R (reconciliation) off the table.

Pinned to the very top of the Wayward Side forum is a post entitled: "Things that every WS needs to know". Print and give it to him.

At the top right of this page you'll find a "hamburger menu" link. Click on The Healing Library. Inside the "Articles" section you'll find a wealth of excellent essays written by veteran SI members.

At some point in the the near future, I would recommend that you write out your terms and conditions for R. IOW, exactly what you expect from him in order for R to proceed.

Keep in mind that reconciliation is never a forgone conclusion. For most couples, R takes at least two years, often longer.

A WS's consequences can easily include a D (divorce). Some folks never offer their WS the chance to R. They head straight to divorce, do not pass GO, do not collect $200.

Your WH has blown-up his life. I'd imagine you no longer trust him, believe anything he says, or have much desire to be around him. He's betrayed himself (and you and your family), revealing his lack of integrity, honor or self-respect. Those are certainly consequences.

While I don't personally recommend it, you could go the Biblical route and have him stoned.

Before you commit to R, make sure your WH is worthy of the gift you're willing to offer.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 2:43 AM, Thursday, July 9th]

Have you made him tell both sides of the family what he has done? That’s a good starting point IMHO.

There's a difference between consequences and punishment. It's natural to want both, especially at first, because of all the anger that arises from being betrayed. Consequences happen somewhat naturally from your reactions to the situation - wanting him out of your bedroom, etc. Punishment is something you do in order to hurt him. Neither is guaranteed to deter him from cheating again. That has to come from within him.

I think we all want some way to guarantee that our WS won't cheat again in the future, but there's no way to do that. It doesn't matter how severe the consequences (or punishment). That's a hard truth to swallow.

Ultimately you have to figure out what you want and what you're willing to accept for yourself. Assume that he will cheat again if he's been doing it for 20 years already. What is your response to that?

I feel that moving forward, forgiving him, and letting him back into my life this soon let's him get off easy.

If you feel this way, why not take a longer separation?