SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Married 26 years. Kids are grown up. Wife has been deeply devoted to me. The last 4 years she has grown close to her male cousin in another state. He's a good dude. I love that she is so connected to him instead of her usual friends/family. It's something new. But something is off. When they embrace it's a long, deep, intimate hug that everyone notices. When they start texting, she blocks out the world and has the most loving look on her face, as if she's in love with the person she's texting. And it goes on for hours. When we go to visit, she's up until 3am just the 2 of them. She's normally in bed by 830. When he steps out to smoke, she joins him. She doesn't smoke otherwise. She will look right through me to see him. When we visit, she will start blowing his phone up trying to find out where he is and why he hasn't come over yet. I'm talking a dozen calls/texts by noon. I feel like an absolute outcast. She notices noone else. I can't get her attention b/c she's locked in with him. Her eyes don't leave him when he's in the room. They make sexual jokes and use terminology that my wife DOES NOT say ever, especially publicly. Not even with me. She's private and modest, but when he's in the room she uses language unnatural to who she is. I have called her out and she acts like i'm stupid. Claims i have an issue with her being close to someone else. Claims that i'm just jealous and suggesting something with her cousin is gross and insane. I don't think she's physically intimate with him, at all. But it still feels like an affair. I'm not the jealous type at all. She has guy friends, i've spent 26 years watching her take the day off to hang out with her male BFF when he's in town. So calling me jealous is inaccurate. But this is different. Seeing past me and not hearing me or noticing me in the same room b/c she's so infatuated with him. If this is not cheating, what is it? Am i crazy?

I don’t know what it is, but sounds pretty weird. It certainly has some of the hallmarks of an affair.

Have you read her texts with him? If you asked to, what would she say?

Did you mention that other people notice their inappropriate hugging?

I think it’s a red flag that when you expressed your concern she DARVO’d you.

What is DARVO'd? As for her texts, i looked at her texts (we have access to each others phones) and saw that she wrote him a handwritten letter and was waiting on him to write her back. Apparently that letter arrived a couple of days ago b/c her text to him said "i received your letter, it was riveting." I have not asked her about it yet. I'm hoping to find that letter, but it's nowhere to be found. She does not think she's doing anything wrong. She sees nothing wrong with the sexual jokes/comments b/c it was just them being funny. She doesn't believe that she's infatuated with him. To the point i even leaned over and put my face between him/her while they were staring from across the room. When i got between them she never broke concentration, she just simply elevated her neck to see over my shoulder. She doesn't believe me when i tell her about her actions and how drastic they are.

DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It’s a manipulative way for people to dodge being held accountable.

You may want to try to see if any texts were deleted. Writing handwritten letters is quite something. I would definitely try to see what he wrote her.

There’s a book called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. You might want to ask her to read it. I can see how hard it would be to get her to do it though, it’s such a tricky situation with him being her cousin - however, affairs with cousins happen, unfortunately. I mean, I can’t imagine she’d ever admit to having a crush on a family member.

I don’t know, maybe film her the next time she’s with him so she can see what it looks like?

I have thought about filming them and showing her. He's also coming for a visit in 2 weeks and she has taken several days off. So i've thought about finding a way to record my living room. I get sick even typing that out. I've never questioned her or had a need to. But their behavior transcends anything i've ever seen. We drove the 10 hour drive home last year from seeing him and his brother/sister/mom, and my wife was crashed out most of the drive. Then slept when she got home. Of course she would, she was up until 3am each night for 4 nights. When i talked to her about the behavior and then sleeping the entire drive she says "i don't have the energy to always be like i am with him. I only see him a couple of times/year and i want to let my guard down and just have fun. I don't do that any other time. I don't have the energy to be silly and joke about sex all the time." Them being alone in the house while i'm 40 miles away at work....I have brought up the sexual comments and talked about how she doesn't even use that language with me, when i've begged her for 26 years to not be so bottled up and private. Yet she used that language with him. To be clear, her cousin hasn't done anything abnormal. He addresses the room, scans the room, talks to everyone, and the language he uses is language that he always uses. My wife is the one that is fixated and different.

Yeah. Just regular friendships don’t include secret letters.

You might have to set up a bunch of hidden cameras, and not just in the living room.

Is anyone coming with the cousin, or is he the only one visiting?

Hello, sawyer. I'm not sure I'd say this is an EA (emotional affair) for the singular reason that this is your wife's (first?) cousin. I'd imagine she's comfortable with that safety. Still, I think I'd find the intensity of the relationship equally disconcerting.

I suspect that this new level of connection might be a sign of a mid-life crisis? Are you recently empty-nesters? Maybe she's looking to fill a void of some sort in her life?

I think in your shoes I'd sit down with her, express your concerns and ask her what's behind it all. It's not easy to be so vulnerable with anyone, even a spouse of 26 years.

This is definitely one of those situations where you're going to want cameras in place. Get something small that can be easily hidden but still give you remote access. Place them in key places, like living room or bedroom. Then before he comes over, tell her days in advance that you have some sort of plans that will have you away the entire day. Make sure it's believable. Then disappear for the day. You can even watch the cameras in realtime if you'd like. But based on personal experience, that kind of stress is pretty disabling, and watching it live would have your anxiety through the roof.

I suggest planting cameras, have an alibi to be away for a LONG period of time, and then see what transpired while you were gone. Best if it isn't period week, because then you'll see what true intentions exist.

Yes this is a 1st cousin, but not someone she was ever in close proximity to. Even now he is still 10 hrs away. We've been empty nesters a few years and yes there is a ton of stress in our lives, however she has an amazing support cast. Her sister is a few minutes away and they talk daily. Her co-workers are always doing things for her. She meets with HS friends every couple of weeks for a girls night out. So she doesn't need her cousin as much as you think. Seeing her texting him, you'd think she was a 15 y/o girl that just started talking to her crush. The world passes her by and she never flinches. She has a look of ecstasy on her face. I can capture the living room and the door to the master bedroom and the hallway to the spare rooms, all with 1 camera. There would be zero reason for him to go into the master BR or her to go into the spare room he's staying in, and he will be coming alone. I leave for the gym at 6am, then go to work 40 miles away and get home at 430pm every weekday. So i don't need to tell her a convincing story. 10 hrs together with me 40 miles away for 4 days while he's at my home. I have been vulnerable with her, expressing my concern. She shuts me down. They "have a connection" and i'm "just jealous."

So she can let her guard down and exchange sexual innuendo with her cousin but not you even though you've asked? This is dismissive IMO.

Just a thought, if he/she finds the camera there will be hell to pay.

I agree this is an odd situation. Who writes hand written letters these days, especially to a 1st cousin? I would ask to read it. There shouldn't be any secrets between spouses. Her refusal would be a red flag for me