SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Twelve months after D-Day, I was feeling hopeful. I was sleeping through the night again and finally starting to feel more like myself. My WH was loving, open, transparent, supportive, and compassionate. I could see how seriously he was taking his own recovery and the work he needed to do. I was beginning to believe we actually had a chance, even though I knew we still had a long road ahead.

Then, within just a few weeks, everything completely flipped upside down, and now I'm seriously thinking about leaving.

What happened?

We had an argument where he said things that made me feel like he was distancing himself from everything positive he'd been doing over the past year. At a friend's party, he'd stayed by my side all evening without me asking him to. But during the argument, he threw it back at me by saying, "I spent the whole night following you around." The way he said it made it sound like I'd had him on a leash, dragging him around to humiliate him.

That fight started a downward spiral. He said things like, "So am I supposed to spend the next 20 years in jail?" (even though I've always told him I don't want to spend my life policing him because that's no foundation for a relationship). Or, "I guess I have to erase who I am completely before you'll ever be happy," when I tried to explain how certain behaviors affect me.

I just can't reconcile these two versions of him: the man I saw during those first twelve months, and this complete 180 over the last two weeks.

The pattern between us is always the same. My internal alarm system gets triggered, for example, because he decided not to tell me something right away. He feels controlled. I try to explain what I'm feeling. What he hears is that he can never do anything right, and he responds with irritation or even anger. I end up feeling alone with my pain, while he feels trapped. No matter what happens, we both end up feeling completely alone. We barely speak or touch anymore.

His IC is currently on hold at his therapist's recommendation because they're planning to transition him into a group therapy program starting in September. We've talked about restarting couples therapy, but the earliest appointment we can get isn't until mid-August.

I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to make it until then.

I am feeling so drained that I don't even have the emotional capacity to deal with the smallest conflicts anymore (although I am still in IC). This has set me back so much, especially after all the progress we'd made together.

I keep reading here that R is a roller coaster, but this feels so much deeper than just another low point. Right now, I honestly don't know if we're going to be able to find our way out of this valley.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Is this really the kind of setback one must expect...?

While R is not linear — this isn’t a good setback.

Making you feel safe is part of his jail sentence?

And the dreaded throwing it back on you to be all healed up now, so he doesn’t ever have to feel bad for his choices again, is not cool.

In ANY relationship, your partner should care how you feel.

My wife gets to be herself while making sure I’m feeling safe at the same time, and it isn’t a stress for her, she is happy showing she can protect us without being miserable about it.

Let go of the outcome, you don’t WANT someone feeling trapped (you or your spouse).

I’d remind him of where the front door is, because you’d hate for him to feel bad about having to hang out with you at a social event.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 5:43 PM, Thursday, July 16th]

Oldwounds,

I believe that he does not mean what he is saying - at least not word by word. It is a kind of defensiveness that shows whenever he gets overwhelmed. I can see that and at the same time I am not willing to take that as an excuse.