SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't even know how to start this so I'm just going to start typing.

Me and my wife have been together since high school. She always had her own friend group, her girls Freinds she's been close with forever, and honestly they never liked me much. Doesn't matter though, they're still around, girls' nights, they show up for parties at our house, dinners, our kids' birthdays, all of it. That's just how it's been for years.

We've got three kids. Oldest is a boy, 16. Our daughter is 14. Youngest boy is 10. We're both 45, married 17 years now. Not sure if it's a good idea putting all this out here but I need to get it out of my head somehow.

I've worked so damn hard to give my wife and kids a good life. All three of them are in private school, something neither of us had growing up. We're in one of the nicer neighborhoods in the city. I'm not saying that's all me though, my wife worked just as hard, she's built her own name in her field, and I've climbed up to an executive spot at my company. We built this together.

I still think back to when we first got married. Small one bedroom apartment, barely scraping by. And she stayed. She held it down with me through all of that.

So she had this childhood best friend, same age as me actually, we were classmates back then. Like I said, her friend group never really liked me, honestly some of them bullied me back in school. Eventually I just let it go, because I married her, not them. I made my peace with it even though I knew they still didn't care for me. I had my own guys anyway, so I just did my own thing.

About a year ago, her friend's wife passed away. He's got two kids, 12 and 10. Our two families were tight, the kids grew up together like cousins, weekend breakfasts, vacations, the whole thing.
After his wife died, my wife just naturally stepped into that space, became like a mom figure for his kids. Started going over twice a week after her work directly to there home to cook for them, spend time with them. Sometimes it turned into a whole day out, her, our kids, his kids. I didn't think twice about it. Kids need someone like that after losing their mom.

Then it turned into overnight stays. This was around December last year. She'd say something like, it's snowing out, I'm just gonna stay here, I'll head home in the morning. I'd say okay. Then it became a weekly thing.

In February, there's a work gala, and he brings her as his plus one since he's a widower now, and she wanted to go too, said it'd be good for her own networking. Made sense at the time.
Looking back now I can see how close they were getting, but I didn't catch any of it, because I had zero clue they'd been sleeping together since that December.

Around that same stretch, last November, I got a big promotion. Company gave me a bonus, cash plus unvested stock, multiple seven figures total. Big moment for us.

For like 20 years my wife's handled our household finances, the day to day money, salaries, all of it. I just manage my own portfolio and investments separately.

We'd been wanting to buy a new house for a long time, and that bonus is what finally made it doable. Sold the old place, split the new one 50/50, bought what she called her dream home, another multiple seven figure purchase. Plan was always both our names on it. Then right at the end she tells me she wants it fully in her name. I trusted her, I've always trusted her, so I just said fine. Found out a week ago that wasn't even her idea, her friends were the ones pushing her to make that move.

Everything shifted last year and I had no clue any of it was happening. Betrayed by the one person I trusted the most.

Three weeks ago she broke down. Crying, asked me to sit with her. That's when she told me. She'd been having an affair with her childhood best friend since December. Said he was in a really dark place after losing his wife, attempted suicide twice, nothing planned, just spiraling, and it started as her trying to comfort him and turned into more. Said she was scared, didn't want to lose him, felt sick about it the whole time.
Then she tells me she also gave him money without me knowing. Set up $100k for each of his kids, using the same bonus from my promotion. Guy makes $200k a year on his own. I genuinely don't understand why he needed that kind of help from us.

She cried through all of it, told me it's over, that she ended things, that it'll never happen again.
On top of that, he and his kids are moving out of the country next month.

It's been three weeks since she told me. I've been sleeping in the guest room. I'm not even angry, which honestly scares me more than if I was. Our kids don't know a thing and I want to keep it that way.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with any of this. Just needed to put it somewhere.

Man, take a deep breath, strip away the emotions, and look at the cold, hard mechanics of what just happened to you. You have been viewing this through the lens of a heartbroken husband, but try looking at it through the lens of an executive: you have just been the victim of a coordinated, long-term asset strip and betrayal.

To understand what he wanted, you only have to look at what he took. He wanted a safety net, a lifestyle upgrade, and a physical surrogate, all bankrolled by your hard work. He pocketed two hundred thousand pounds of your bonus while earning a healthy salary himself, turning your wife into a free housekeeper, nanny, therapist, and mistress. He is leaving the country now not out of tragedy, but because his play succeeded. He got his payout, had his fun, used her to rebuild his life, and is now making a clean exit before the legal fallout hits. In fact, it is overwhelmingly likely that he broke up with her precisely because he is moving. He got what he needed out of her to patch up his own life, took your money, and dumped her the moment it was time to pack his bags, leaving her high and dry.

Your wife did not confess out of overwhelming guilt or enduring love for you; she confessed because he dumped her and the play reached its natural end. Her lover discarded her, he is emigrating, and she knew the massive financial paper trail—the dream house title transfer and the missing funds—was about to blow up in her face. Guided by a group of friends who have disrespected you for decades, she systematically engineered a multi-million-pound property transfer into her sole name, embezzled a fortune from your family's future, and then staged a crying breakdown, using his mental health struggles as a convenient shield to play the tragic savior. She did not just break her vows, she committed financial abuse and stole from your children's legacy.

The reason you feel completely numb right now instead of furious is pure survival shock. Your mind is struggling to reconcile the woman who stood by you in a tiny one-bedroom flat twenty years ago with the calculated stranger sitting across from you today, but that numbness is dangerous if it leads to passivity. Inaction right now will cost you millions.

Reconciliation under these circumstances is financial and emotional suicide, so you need to move directly into risk management. Quietly instruct a top-tier family law solicitor today without telling her. A good lawyer will immediately look at challenging that house title and filing for dissipation of marital assets, ensuring that two hundred thousand pounds is deducted directly from her share of any settlement. You must also hire a forensic accountant to audit every joint account, credit line, and transfer over the past two years, because if she handed over that much cash in one go, you have no idea what else is missing. Separate your ongoing salary into a sole account immediately, cut off shared credit lines, and make it strictly non-negotiable that her toxic friends are banned from your life and home forever. You worked yourself to the bone to build a life for your family, and she handed the proceeds of your labor to another man while her friends cheered her on. Stop playing the forgiving provider, protect your children, and let the lawyers handle the rest.

[on second thought I deleted my comment because this is more a Just Found Out post. Sorry]

[This message edited by LonelyGuilty at 10:21 AM, Tuesday, July 21st]

Jesus. This is brutal. I’m so sorry. I second everything DRSOOLERS recommends.

Sorry this happened to you.

If there’s a woman I have never considered sexually besides my family, even if I seen her naked few times is a complete zero on the sexual scale, that’s my childhood friend.

We aren’t even in close contact we meet once every 2-3 years and she always has been a beautiful girl (I just can’t see her in that light, is like a cousin I grew up with, school and such).

Only female on this planet. I say that because people we grew up with since childhood get usually registered as family. And you don’t fuck with family, neither morally nor as in this case, literally.

I say this because it sounds a bit odd this childhood friend and her had an affair. I wonder if it wasn’t ever truly a childhood friend but more like an "option " she kept around friendzoned like some people tend to do.

For you it doesn’t change anything though. It’s just an affair partner like every other pig I. The mud out there. Unless you were friend with, then it’s a double betrayal.

How do you feel now?
What do you feel right to do after dday? You do have still feelings for her and are potentially open to reconciliation or you want out?

How is she doing? Trickle truth, gaslighting and blame shifting or remorse and showing up for you with full disclosure and regret?

This is important for you to decode and encode right now to begin putting order into the emotional chaos that is left of your attachment after the nuclear bomb went off.

Don’t let your voice suppressed inside. You deserve to be heard.

You have been heard.

Well maybe it's because I'm just jaded and cynical but I think it's more than just a coincidence that she confessed and he is moving out of the country. I think she was scared that you would discover the missing money so she's trying to get ahead of it

As suggested, hire a forensic accountant to go through all of your finances because what she has done may be considered squandering marital assets.

My first suggestion is you demand the house be placed in both of your names and if she refuses then you know she is not 100% committed to fixing the relationship, she is committed to protecting herself. Next, tell her to print out the last several years of financial statements, down to every little detail. You need to get a grasp on where the marital money has gone

I gotta say this would be impossible for me to try and work through. Giving away hundreds of thousands of dollars on top of infidelity? And now she wants forgiveness?