In my continuing effort to dissect my decades old betrayal and bring more clarity to various aspects of it, Ive been turning my thoughts to the allure of denial, especially in the early days after Dday.
Admittedly, I think the early deep dive into denial was due to shock and a complete overload of my nervous system. I went into self preservation mode. I just could not accept that which was undeniably true. It was too awful. Too grotesque. Too horrible to contemplate. My soul froze in place. For a long while I just put one foot in front of the other.
My denial took the form of a lack of strong pro active actions like the 180 after not just the betrayal itself, but the subesequent lack of true remorse and half assed attempts at reconciliation.
I now understand why there is such a emphasis on acceptance for the betrayed to be able to move on. If you cannot accept it, you are in a form of denial. If you cannot accept it, you cannot face it. If you cannot face it, you passively refuse to deal with it. Early on, it is understandable. If you continue on, it becomes a form of self destruction in my opinion. It certainly was for me.
Ive said it before, the fact that I was a young husband and father that had come from a very disfunctional home left me woefully unprepared for such a catastrophic event, but I freely say now that my state of denial as to the scope of the destruction did nothing but prolong the hurt and delay the inevitable end of the marriage.
Beware the river called denial.
Thoughts_
