I don't really know why I'm writing this. Maybe I just need to get it out somewhere because I don't have anyone to say it to.
I'm in my mid-40s. I used to work in private equity and was making very good money. I took care of everyone. My family, my wife, my kids. I thought I was building a stable life for all of us. I'm also a part-time musician, and I play a couple of shows every year. Music has honestly been my way of coping ever since my marriage fell apart.
About ten years ago, in 2016, my ex-wife had an affair with a wealthy man. It came completely out of nowhere. She suddenly became cold, asked for a divorce, and everything I'd built my life around disappeared almost overnight.
During the separation and custody fight, things became much worse. My ex-wife made serious allegations against me, including that I had hurt her and sexually abused our children. None of those allegations were true, but by then the damage was already being done.
She had deep pockets because of the man she was with, and she hired very expensive lawyers. I couldn't compete with that financially. In the end, she got custody of all three children, and I was left with only two visits a month.
I still struggle to explain what that felt like. I had spent years providing for my family and being there for my children, and suddenly I was being treated like someone they needed to be protected from.
Six months after our divorce, she married the man she'd left me for. He had never been married and never had children. From what I understood, he wanted a wife and children, and he got exactly that.
About two years later, they moved to the United States with my kids. Our custody agreement was basically impossible to enforce internationally, and I simply didn't have the money for another legal battle.
From then on, my relationship with my children slowly disappeared.
At first I'd see them during summers. Then the conversations became shorter. The phone calls became less frequent. I kept trying to stay involved however I could. Every year, I sent all three of my children birthday gifts. I don't even know if they received them. I would send them anyway, because not sending something felt like giving up.
Over the last three years, I haven't seen them at all. I tried reaching out, but they told me they didn't want a relationship with me anymore.
My oldest son is now 20, my older daughter is 18, and my youngest daughter is 15.
Last September, my daughter turned 18. They threw her a big birthday party. She shared a father-daughter dance with my ex-wife's husband.
I wasn't invited.
I wasn't even told about the party.
Do you know how I found out about my daughter's 18th birthday?
Instagram.
Someone posted videos from the party. I watched my daughter dancing with another man on her 18th birthday, while I sat alone looking at it on my phone.
I cried.
I don't think there is any other way to describe it.
This summer she graduated from high school. Again, I wasn't invited. Again, I found out through social media.
And yesterday was the hardest day of all.
My ex-wife, her husband, and my children asked me to sign documents giving up my parental rights so her husband could legally adopt all three of my kids.
My children said it was what they wanted.
I signed.
There wasn't really anything left to fight for. I wasn't going to force myself into the lives of people who no longer wanted me there. I couldn't keep fighting a battle where the people I was fighting for were telling me they didn't want me in their lives.
So yesterday, on paper, I stopped being their father.
I keep asking myself what I did wrong.
Was loving them not enough?
Was being a good dad never enough?
I honestly don't know anymore.
The strangest part is that I spent so much of my life thinking that if I worked hard enough, provided enough, and took care of everyone, I could protect the people I loved.
I was wrong.
Money couldn't protect my marriage. Money couldn't protect my relationship with my children. And when everything fell apart, having less money than the other side meant I couldn't even fight the custody battle on equal ground.
The man my ex-wife left me for had never been married and never had children. He wanted a wife and kids.
Now he has a wife, three kids who call him Dad, and the life that used to be mine.
I hope they're happy.
I genuinely do.
I just wish losing them didn't hurt this much.
I'm not looking for advice. I know there's probably nothing anyone can say that will change any of this.
I just needed to tell someone.
