Infidelity sucks. There is no justice. You didn't ask for this but you are the one that has to face the consequences. Not only does it severely complicate or potentially end your relationship and destroy your family but it also destroys the betrayed spouse in different ways, depending on who they are and any existing traumas they might already have going on.
I discovered my wife's 16 month affair emotional and sexual affair on December 20th, 2016. I decided I wanted to reconcile. The next two years were brutal but then I started to become more optimistic eventually. We did a couple of sessions of couples counseling, she did a few individual counseling and I began individual counseling on a regular basis that continues to this day. The relationship we worked at on our own, with intention and the best that we could with the knowledge we had. Things got better, in general.
Looking back we should have stuck to and pursued couples counseling like our lives / marriage depended on it.
During those (nearly) 10 years I did my best to cope, heal and recover both as an individual and with her as well. It felt to me like I was healing but there was a lot I didn't understand. Our communication did improve but it didn't get to where it should have been. There were little resentments building within me that I tried to bottle instead of airing. I never fixed pre-existing issues about self-image and self-esteem that were exacerbated by the infidelity.
I did a lot of work on myself but there was a lot I missed.
The work I / we did on the relationship helped but it wasn't entirely effective.
We started drifting apart again and the attempts we made to fix it were only half-hearted. I was started to feel lonely, alone, and emotionally starved.
In April something clicked in me and it was like the affair, all of its pain, all of my resentments and all kinds of negative feelings about myself and my life became front and center stage again. The different this time was I now had AI to help me really do a deep analysis. I'm a very analytical person without any encouragement :)
I spent weeks replaying everything, revisiting old things and I did this in a bubble, not sharing what I was going through with my wife.
I decided I needed to separate. I told my wife, my children, my family and my work. I got legal advise and a legal separation agreement, had financing in place to start over and my wife looking for apartments. I got a new bed and slept in a separate room. We separated for two months (though still in the same house while we got things in order).
Then I calmed down from all of the rumination. I started thinking and feeling things again for my wife. I wasn't afraid of being alone - I was prepared for that. Something inside of me said this wasn't done yet and one day I sent my wife a text message and asked if she wanted to try couples counseling. She agreed and we've been doing so for over a month now. Gottman method. It needs to be adapted a bit for a couple that are 10 years past d-day :)
Reconnection with her felt good and we are going to give the marriage attempt #2 after the affair. This time we are more mature, wiser and have better help. We have the framework in place if it doesn't work and could easily move to separation if it comes to that.
I'm happy with this choice I've made. Some days are better than others. Some days I still have doubts. Some days I'm hopeful and happy. Some days I'm optimistic.
This time around I'm seeing a different side of her. Recovery from the affair immediately after D-Day definitely had some urgency and was part damage control. This time things are more deliberate and intentional, and from the heart.
Those 10 years weren't wasted and as a couple we grew together and made a lot of good memories none-the-less.
We're now empty nesters. Reasons to stay outside of our love for each other are diminished with our kids moved on to their own lives.
People are imperfect. Affairs are bad and they are also very polarizing. Like everything though, its not as simple as black and white.
