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Hi All,

I had a weird (and ultimately distressing) day last week.

I met with a new therapist in the morning and I was pleased with the session (although it was quite intense).

This therapist specialises in DBR (deep brain reorientation). As I mentioned before, I have been working on myself restlessly in the past 6 months. I made some good breakthroughs while also learning to better regulate, etc. So far it has been a firm exercise of "rationality over emotions". E.g. I learnt to sit with the pain I have caused, even when a part inside of me just wants to get defensive (I am in no way perfect, but I have improved).

DBR should help to get also my "instincts" / "emotions" up to date with what I learnt so far "rationally" (for the sake of brevity I won’t provide further examples, but happy to expand if this point is not clear).

All in all, I felt reassured after the session.

Absolutely unrelated to the above, I received some messages in the evening. They were from an old acquaintance. Nothing ever happened with this person, and I haven’t seen the person in ages. The messages were friendly, not inappropriate (although random and totally unsolicited, as I have nothing to say to this person!).

And I failed. I told myself that with this "new me" there should not be space for these random messages. I should have blocked the person ages ago (please note I have been avoiding any unnecessary interactions since DDay as much as possible - voluntarily).

So I blocked the person, and then in a split second I decided to delete the conversation. I did not consciously do it to "hide" it. But I slipped in the old mindset "this is nothing, I don’t want to be bothered by this person, I will just block and cancel". I should have shared it with my BS (he saw the notifications but no messages, so it was a massive trigger).

In these past months, wherever I received something that could potentially be "dodgy", I told my BS immediately, even when I knew I was going to raise a storm.

But that evening… I don’t know if it happened because I felt this false sense of security after IC, or because we had had a decent day and I didn’t want something random to spoil it for us. I slipped in an old habit. It felt like I was back in square one.

I can’t lower my guard yet, and it’s with these "small" things that I slip (I have to go now, but I may expand further later).

This post is just for sharing, but any insight or comment is welcome as always

[This message edited by LonelyGuilty at 11:40 AM, Tuesday, September 22nd]

Okay lonely, no stop sign so I assume you may welcome feedback from the other side.

Let me just say first that what you said that you can now sit with the pain you caused without running away seems a very big deal.
You are owning it, and that’s what I feel is probably the most important turning point for a person to truly and honestly change.

Now the slippery slope.

Of course we don’t have to pretend what that guy was doing by messaging a woman at night.

It ain’t casual or innocent at all. He was testing the waters to check for openings.
You generally don’t go so bluntly on the first approach as "hey I booked an hotel room, wanna join?", he is keeping it casual and "friendly" to allow you plausible deniability and eventually respond him with an opening to follow up.

He is just playing his cards checking "if".

There are very few reasons why you text a woman acquaintance in the night and you have no secondary goals. It’s creating a connection opening a space for intimacy. Just to check.

You said he is an acquaintance, mind if I ask why does he have your number in the first place? Is he someone you interact for life reasons and need to be reachable or did he get your contact through third parties?

Now, you cutting him off is definitely the right call.
And I understand the frustration in noticing that you kept this situation hidden.

You are now learning openness, honesty and respect, but something pushed you to resort again to the old secrecy.
(I suspect because you do feel and know that his intentions aren’t "casual and friendly").

I cutting him off, is a good call.
Did you tell your partner about it? Explaining what you felt and also how you felt by reacting with deleting the texts before informing him?

I know it is hard, and while your self questioning is definitively worth exploring, it is also important to see if you can be transparent even with this occurrence, or you go back to "keeping secrets".

I am not going to lie here, if it was me in your husband, it would probably hurt initially because the wounds are fresh, but on the other hand I don’t see here the usual malice, I see a woman trying to change and facing a deja vu from her past that infuriates her.

But because she finally started caring.

So is not all bad.