SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DDay was Aug 14th. I found this site a few weeks after (thank god) and have learned a lot so far but probably rushed into R. We just crossed our 19th wedding anniversary and have been together for 25 years. I had thought the last 5 years of our marriage to be very special to me and thought we had gotten pretty close compared to our early years. I now feel like an idiot. I've been used for years for my wife to prop herself up on social media to 'friends', family, and customers as having a wonderful married life with 2 beautiful children. While she puts on a fake smile everyday hiding all of her past trauma and struggles.

As I was spice rubbing a wonderful tri-tip to put on the grill for dinner and just opened a nice cold beer- I received a phone call from an unknown number on a friday at 3pm. I NEVER answer numbers I don't recognize but something told me to that day. I woman asked if it was me, and if I was married to (my wife's name). I said- yes, do you need her number? This is my cell phone. She said no, I need you- it took a week of digging to find your number. She said "I am going to send you some texts/pics/screen shots because your wife and my husband are having an affair". My heart is in my throat just typing that out. It was such a horrible feeling. Moments later I got the information that is burned into my brain. Naked pictures of herself taken at her small business, legs spread apart. Sexual conversations, etc. The most recent messages were that week and.....some from 2 fricken years prior. The weekend before D day- she sent him a fresh nude shot HOURS after I left town with my son on a fishing trip for a couple days. It looked like she was reaching out for a hookup (denies of course) but apparently her AP's parents were in town and was busy.

When my wife got home from work I said "we need to talk". She of course acted like she didn't know what about. Even though her AP had called her that morning and told her that his wife had seen his phone. She also sent pics to his family/parents. So, she knew I knew.

Obviously everything on her phone/email had gotten deleted by then. I said I've seen enough. What else is there I need to know? How many times have you had sex? Are there other partners? She didn't hesitate and said twice (sex), no other partners. We could instantly pin point those 2 times almost 2 years ago to when I left down with both kids on a christmas week trip and one month later when I was on an ice fishing trip with my son on his b-day. They supposedly went months at a time without talking but he had recently asked her for 'fresh pics' so her clothes came off and she spread her legs for him and his fresh pics and got the attention she was seeking. 3 years ago she wanted to get a tummy tuck/breast lift to 'feel better about herself'. I helped pay for that. I discovered recently she had secretly been taking weight loss drugs even though she's not overweight. Around the same time as her surgery she also got laser hair removal 'down there'. The timing looks pretty bad. I don't think all that was for her to feel better about herself.

This was a guy she met years ago at her gym, 5:30 am class. But said he doesn't go to the 5:30 class anymore (not that it matters). I said- stop going to the gym. Deleted/block all numbers. She did both. I found out from the gym owner weeks ago that her AP quit the gym. After talking with him (my wife told him why she wasn't there for 2 weeks) I let her go back so I didn't have to hear her whine about it. She claimed NO OTHER GYM is good enough/has a 'community' like the one she's been going to for 9 years. I even offered to start going with her before work in the mornings to a new/diff gym. My 16 year old daughter also works at this gym! I told her she better tell her before she finds out from the rumor mill/gym- and she did. I've never seen my daughter bawl like that for so long ever in my life and was horrible to witness.

After calling several lawyers and ultimately choosing a mediation service (if/when I needed them) I was able to process a tiny bit and 3-4 days after D-day I started researching about recovering from this. I found a very expensive 'make it or break it' emergency couples counseling program and took us a few weeks to get through including our letters to each other (victim impact letter/ her disclosure letter/fairly weak 'timeline'. I felt really good coming out of that experience- she shared/talked more than she ever has. But once we get home it's a different story. Won't talk much face to face. She said we can email each other but doesn't answer half my questions. We started 2 days ago with a longer term MC and it went well and I have her locked down for the next 4-5 weeks. She has had 4 IC sessions and I have my 4th today. I don't think she's been honest with her IC about how bad her depression is/has been and has NEVER talked to anyone about it and has never been medicated. I was close to calling 911 several times in the early days after Dday as she "didn't feel like she deserved to live" but "wouldn't act on it". I begged her 17 years ago to see an IC because I knew of 'some' of the childhood/college age trauma (way too many casual sex partners, none of were actual relationships in college, an abortion during that time, etc). This was all before we met. I have been her only relationship she's ever been in.

So, it's slow going. I wish I knew of the 180 before I did. Is it too late to start that??? I've been trying too hard and she doesn't seem to be trying hard enough. She bury's herself at her store and I've asked for a better work/life balance from her for many many years. We've never taken a vacation together in 20 years because of this reason. She's there weekends/many evenings after dinner. She refuses to hire help. Her parents know NOTHING about the real her/trauma problems and some are pointed towards them. Her mom works with her part time and then never talk about anything of substance- it's sad. I've read everything, she'll listen to bits of audio books with me here and there (too busy w work) . She is saying the right things but I sure don't feel it coming through yet with solid actions. I was begging for a couple crumbs (words) of hope once in a while but it's like pulling teeth and I'm feeling like one of my feet is half way out the door. I have had enough time at least to understand MY WORTH. And that I deserve someone in life that loves and respects me and right now it's obviously not her- but I am giving it my best shot before I give up.

I honestly feel lately that she's been pushing me away. TRYING to get me to crack and call it quits so she'd have something to blame on me! She claims that's not the case she's just riddled with shame and guilt and depressed.

The AP's wife told me he initially denied it was sexual. But then told her the same (sex 2 times). But they could have made that number up the morning of D day. Right after her physical parts we all installed the 360gps app on ours and kids phones. So, maybe that saved many more times of them getting together? I don't know.

Too late for the 180? Post nup aggreement? I'm currently working on my boundaries/consequences.

Thank you all. I have learned a lot already. It's taken a lot of courage to share my misery.

You can bank on them correlating their story. This has been going on far too long and is much too advanced to even begin to believe it is that little in frequency.

Now to you. If you continue to carry this, it is literally empowering her to not have to carry anything. Lay this squarely at her feet and tell her it is her responsibility to unfuck this thing if she wants any shot at reconciliation.

Lastly, are you SURE the AP is done with the gym? Are you sure they are truly NC? My gut is tingling a bit over both of those prospects.

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 7:00 PM, Wednesday, September 23rd]

I do now have access to phone/email and check on things. His number/emails blocked/deleted. But, he could simply stop by her business or call the biz phone or email too. I personally talked to the gym owner that he quit and would not go there out of 'respect' for our daughter that works there I guess.

If we do end up staying together. I will most likely ask for a polygraph in hopes to know for sure if there were more than one affair partners, and if the '2 times' is a lie. Thank you

If she isn't fully participating then I don't think you're currently reconciling. She's waiting for things to blow over so she can return to the status quo.

There's a saying here. Don't pay attention to what they say. Pay attention to what they do. Your wife seems to be paying some lip service with the former, but is lacking in the latter. Not that words don't matter, they do, but if they don't align with actions then what good are they?

I don't like the fact that they were able to coordinate their stories before you were able to confront. I have a lot of trouble believing there were only 2 trysts over a period of multiple years if he's local enough to be in the same gym as your wife.

I'm getting the sense from what you're typing that she's just doing some bare minimum stuff to appease you without trying to do any real work. She should be taking the lead on recovery if she wants to repair this.

I put up with far more than I should have for the first month after my d day and dealt with a remorseless wife who deflected, lied, hid things, and tried to maintain her affair behind my back until I hit the end of my rope and started calling divorce lawyers right in front of her. That's when everything changed and she really rolled her sleeves up, came completely clean, and started real work on repairing the damage she'd done. That was a little over 17 months ago, and she's been very consistent ever since.

I don't know where we'd be right now if I hadn't made those phone calls, but I do know that when things got real and she was faced with real consequences that's when things really started turning around in my situation.

I'd hold off on the marriage counseling unless you got lucky enough to find a good one who has experience with infidelity, but there are a lot of them out there who have a sneaky way of blaming the betrayed spouse for the choices of the cheating spouse by citing unmet needs or neglect or whatever. It doesn't matter what issues may have existed before the affair, no one forces anyone to lie, cheat, and sneak around. There are a hundred other options for dealing with marital issues. Cheating is a choice and you had no say in the matter. So be careful with marriage counseling.

[This message edited by Pogre at 8:24 PM, Wednesday, September 23rd]

The AP's wife told me he initially denied it was sexual. But then told her the same (sex 2 times).

You’re still in absolute shock and so you’re literally unable to think clearly. Try to calm your mind as best you can, and then think this through: so this relationship has been underway for TWO YEARS, at least, and they are in the same physical area, do you TRULY think this guy would be risking all that he was to have sex TWO TIMES with your wife? I’m sorry man, but the probability that’s true is 0.000001%.

The relevant part here is that your wife is NOT AT ALL remorseful. Again, you’re in shock, so you can’t fully comprehend this yet, but for there to be ANY chance at a meaningful reconciliation, assuming that’s unconditionally what you want, is for the adulterer to be 100% remorseful. Most betrayed have ZERO idea what that actually means. Most think it means their betraying spouse says ‘sorry’ a few times, maybe with some tears. That is NOT REMORSE. That’s merely baseline embarrassment of getting caught. True remorse looks more like this:

- 100% full disclosure of ALL truth. Immediately willing to write a FULL DETAILED TIMELINE and then fully agreeable to take a polygraph to affirm the written timeline is fully honest and complete, to the best of her memory. She also gets asked whether there’s been any other infidelity (it’ll be defined) since you two met. She PASSES the polygraph verifying the written timeline.

- 100% accepting of the natural consequences of her choices. Both your and her parents informed - she tells them with you there. You deserve support and she needs loving accountability from both families.

- She’s willing to STOP MC because it’s WAY TOO SOON for that.

- She enters into DEEP IC to dig into why she gave herself permission to stab you in the back. Not twice, but likely thousands of times if you include each and every betrayal (from secret texts, convos, meetups, badmouthing you, physical infidelity, etc)

- She’s willing to sign a post-nuptial giving you absolutely the max allowed under the law should you decide to pull the plug later for ANY reason (do NOT assume you’ll be able to easily get over this)

- She’s immediately available to answer ALL of your questions, FOREVER. Doesn’t matter if you’ve asked the same question 1000 times already. She doesn’t gets defensive about it.

- She’s focussed almost entirely on YOUR pain and suffering as a result of her actions and NOT MERELY HER OWN. Your wife is MILES from this. This is remorse. I’m not even sure your wife is regretful, based on how she’s acting.

I think you’ve realized you’re in shock and you’ve already made mistakes. Almost everyone does. It is NOT too late to look to the above and see if she’s even remotely remorseful. I don’t see it, but I’m not there. It’s time to demand a full and complete timeline, which she then must give you a copy and read it to you. Watch her while she does this. Then tell her she will undergo a polygraph. Does she immediately agree to that?

Please don’t force reconciliation. That NEVER works. Keep posting!

MNBS,

I’m sorry you are here. What an awful situation.

You should get your daughter some therapy as well. What an unbearable scene that must have been. As the child of an unfaithful parent, I know how hard that is. It will help her and she needs it. Is your WW doing anything to rebuild her relationship with your child?

Have you considered asking for a joint therapy session with your WW? You can see what she’s telling her IC and get some of that harder stuff out there.

I think the affair started 3 years ago based on what you’ve said. That’s pretty long. Part of what you’re likely seeing is withdrawal. Your WW’s A was (like most of them) almost certainly limerence. My superficial understanding of limerence is that it’s basically an addiction - people get obsessed with someone who provides them validation as a form of self-avoidance. It is away of avoiding focusing on what’s hurting or missing inside you. But like any addition, there’s withdrawal if you quit.

That said, she’s not currently R material, if she’s not doing things to help repair. She may be stuck in a shame spiral, which is no good for either of you.

You may want to give her Joseph’s Letter (you can find it in the Healing Library, print it out in a way that doesn’t reveal this site so it can be a safe space for you). That will help her understand the importance of full and honest disclosure.

A post-nup is a good idea if it’s enforceable in your jurisdiction. You will have to talk to a lawyer about that.

Never too late to do the 180, also in the healing library (make sure to read the FAQs on it). But that is to help you emotionally detach. It’s not a consequence for her. It’s to protect you from further pain, and usually employed when the wayward won’t stop the A and separation is inevitable.

Thank you all who have replied. I need the truth for once. It's hard to hear but I need this advice and encouragement. I failed to mention. My daughter has done a couple sessions with an IC too and certainly finds value in it so far, my son did too and doesn't want to do it anymore of course and doesn't feel like he's effected by this at all (wrong). My daughter's dropped us (had to reschedule 2 appts so that's maybe why?) so I'm working on getting her into another one. I will ask my wife to ask her therapist if we can be in one together. We'll see. She does have an appt with her 'woman's) Dr that I will be going with to help her communicate. She claims she told this lady she was depressed a year ago but that was it- nothing more was talked about.