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I Can Relate :
Emotional Affairs

Topic is Sleeping.
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tormentedsoul ( member #16989) posted at 5:34 AM on Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

((2yrsinthedark))

hang in there, when we let our minds wander, it's the worse, because we have no proof for or against something.

I'm hoping that work keeps him busy and he's maintaining nc for both of you

EA's - they really suck!

posts: 178   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2007   ·   location: Lost in the woods
id 2980912
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reallylost ( member #18185) posted at 5:51 PM on Thursday, May 1st, 2008

How is everyone doing..It's been a couple of days since anyone was here. I hope that means that everything is fine and no one has had the need to find comfort in this thread...I know one of you out there is having a bad day...I can tell you that today I am feeling like a new person..everything is going well and I don't have that feeling of inpending doom (sp).I don't even feel like such a pitiful victim..I think , even though things are going well that maybe now I could do the 180...I hate that I have looked like such a pitiful wimp! Hugs to any of you who need it and I suppose in a day, week, month...I will need one from you.

Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

posts: 166   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2008   ·   location: KY
id 2984906
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capri ( member #14940) posted at 6:20 PM on Thursday, May 1st, 2008

The days I believe there really were pa's are bad for obvious reasons.

The days I believe he's actually telling the truth and there was no sex are bad in their own ways, because as long as there wasn't sex, he continues to minimize it. So it feels like this will never be resolved.

His attitude is, "I said I'm sorry, I quit doing it, what else do you want!" I tell him if I stab him a dozen times, maybe hit an artery or two, is it good enough for me to just quit doing it and say I'm sorry and then we're fine again? Or might he want me to call 911?? Maybe expect a heartfelt apology, maybe even need to hear the words multiple times, maybe need to see the grief on my face, maybe need me to visit him in the hospital and ask, "What can I do?" Somehow, yelling I SAID I'M SORRY AND I QUIT just wouldn't do it for him.

He just doesn't answer that.

Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

posts: 4486   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2007
id 2984970
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trustagain ( member #16921) posted at 8:30 PM on Thursday, May 1st, 2008

On my 4th day of not talking. I am still waiting for WH to approach me after our arguement on Sunday when I told him I am done. He tried small talk on Tuesday, I gave one word answers and haven't spoken since. He actually texted last night on his way home asking if we were going out for date night. WTF???? All I want is for him to acknowledge my feelings and acknowledge that this is not going to improve without him working on the relationship and himself. I am ready to leave in June if he doesn't.

WH - 55
BS (me) - 57
Son - 31
Son - 24
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Dday Again - 13 years later....

posts: 4478   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2007
id 2985335
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tormentedsoul ( member #16989) posted at 4:49 PM on Saturday, May 3rd, 2008

Since your ws has had an EA, do you trust them anymore? I don't mean with the other person, I mean with anyone. I don't think my WW has had contact with the other man in 6 months, but I don't trust her with any other men that she has contact with at work, when ever a group from the office go out... I trigger big time. Anyone else experience this? will I ever learned to relax?

EA's - they really suck!

posts: 178   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2007   ·   location: Lost in the woods
id 2990365
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2yrsinthedark ( member #16278) posted at 11:38 PM on Saturday, May 3rd, 2008

No I do not! I dont think I ever will either. He always thought he was "different" and could have all these "girlfriends." Just because he is such a good guy. He would never let things get out of hand. Funny thing is, he still thinks of himself that way.

"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8

posts: 378   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2007   ·   location: TX
id 2991271
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tormentedsoul ( member #16989) posted at 12:00 AM on Sunday, May 4th, 2008

Do you ever get the "you don't trust me anymore!" or "you're trying to control who my friends are?" (I hate her best friend who knew about her relationship with this guy and encouraged her to pursue it). What do you say when you really don't want your WS going out with people without you?

EA's - they really suck!

posts: 178   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2007   ·   location: Lost in the woods
id 2991327
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2yrsinthedark ( member #16278) posted at 2:25 AM on Sunday, May 4th, 2008

OMG, I get those lines all the time. Its a very sore subject w/ him (doesnt have anything to do w/ what he did to me ). I have a hard time looking at his best friend in the eye. I cant be angry w/ him, although he didnt tell me, he tried to talk him out of it, and tried to get him to see what he had to lose. I guess if my best friend told me she was having an affair I would do the same. THe only time Im ok w/ him going out is when he is w/ that one friend. They usually go get somethng to eat and hang out at his house to play video games and stuff like that. Otherwise, I would feel just like you do tormented.

"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8

posts: 378   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2007   ·   location: TX
id 2991724
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capri ( member #14940) posted at 2:43 AM on Sunday, May 4th, 2008

I don't trust him at all, not in any area. He has also lied to me about finances. He sometimes stays up half the night looking at porn and lies to me about it. He buys things on e-bay and has them sent to his work so I won't find out. I know it's a complete toss-up whether or not he's just set up yet another secret e-mail account.

I was given a variation on not allowing him to have friends; I was told that poor him, he's afraid to even say hello to women he works with. Apparently, then, he's stupid, if he can't differentiate between saying hi to a co-worker in the hall, and exchanging secret e-mails with a friend, lying to me about her, plotting with her how to trick and deceive me, and telling her all his complaints about me and our marriage. Yeah, not much difference between the two, is it? Pardon me, is my sarcasm showing?

Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

posts: 4486   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2007
id 2991776
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2yrsinthedark ( member #16278) posted at 3:41 PM on Sunday, May 4th, 2008

Last night we went to dinner. We were having a good time and talking about different things. All of the sudden, he starts telling me about how his friend's girlfriend was caught cheating. He works w/ the fire dept and he told me he felt bad for him because the guys at the station tease him about it. He said he talked to him about it and tried to help him out. Now this might me a normal conversation for other people, but for us?? Not one mention about us. Im not sure what he was trying to do. I just listened and made a few comments about it, (not us) and then we changed the coversation. I think he just wants things to get back to normal. We did have a really nice time last night.

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 9:42 AM, May 4th (Sunday)]

"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8

posts: 378   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2007   ·   location: TX
id 2992607
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ham&eggs ( member #18312) posted at 2:04 PM on Monday, May 5th, 2008

Don't they ALL just want things to be back to NORMAL...whatever THAT is.

I know in our case, Boundaries were a BIG issue. He is a people person,so modifying boundaries was HARD for him. I made it clear that if this was not done, I would be gone! I am not spending the reast of my life worrying about whether some "young thing" has a crush on my 59 yr old H.

I am a working, fit attractive 58 yr old woman who would do just fine without that drama in my life!

posts: 58   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2008
id 2994675
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TryingMyBest ( new member #19308) posted at 12:57 AM on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

OK...

My WW and I are reading NOT "Just Friends". We're about half way done and neither of us are getting much out of the book as the situations aren't matching up. Purely an EA. No PA. Anyne else having this problem?? Title of the book grabbed our attention, but the examples thus far all led to PA. While there are some similarities, we both wonder if we've got the right book???

The EA is over, and I think they truly are "just friends' now. We had a NC, but it's reopened so I get to see and read EVERYTHING that happens between them. Am I the best BH or the dumbest BH on the planet?

BH (me): 38
WW (her): 38
D-Day: 3/20/2008 (EA)
D-Day#2: 5/24/2013(PA)

posts: 25   ·   registered: Apr. 28th, 2008
id 2996552
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2yrsinthedark ( member #16278) posted at 1:27 AM on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

I feel the same way about the book Trying. As far as I know the EA didnt lead to a PA. He didnt keep the relationship hidden, it was right under my nose. He just managed to delete the IM where they said their I love yous, and had online sex, thats all. Oh, his jobs takes him away 24hrs at a time so plenty of time for them their phone calls. Of course I would see all the loooong conversations they had, but of course, "just friends." God, I feel so stupid just typing this stuff up!!

"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8

posts: 378   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2007   ·   location: TX
id 2996618
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confusedbythis ( member #15455) posted at 1:30 AM on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

Trying, Just be careful...I was you once...

That's one of the worst part of this infidelity crap...EA, PA, ONS...it doesn't matter...it's ALL dishonest, hurtful, ugly and has no place in any marriage...good, bad or indifferent.

Just don't be naive- keep your eyes and ears open...

Just saying...

cbt

BS me
WS older than me
DS- typical teen (from a previous marriage)
DD #1 1995, before we married (how stupid am I...)
DD #2 6.8.07 EA, PA
Divorced June 09...free fron CRAZY-LAND!!! Yahoo!

posts: 233   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2007   ·   location: OR
id 2996625
frustrated

tormentedsoul ( member #16989) posted at 2:24 AM on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

TryingMyBest

If NC has been broken already, then you're in trouble. You're allowing them to keep renewing their feelings for each other. NC means NC ever. If she can't live without him, then you need to let her know, him or you. Every conversation with him is taking intimacy away from the two of you. How you can you ever trust her again if she's still in contact. Would she mind if you started going out with your ex-girlfriend and having long intimate conversations with her? probably not. you need to protect yourself and make them break contact. There's no need for them to talk if they're not working together any more!

You're whole story makes me trigger big time of my own experiences with my WW. Until she admits there's an issue, you'll always have to worry!

EA's - they really suck!

posts: 178   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2007   ·   location: Lost in the woods
id 2996745
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2yrsinthedark ( member #16278) posted at 1:35 PM on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

Trying, Confused and Tormented are right. NC is the only way. My WH as great at being "just friends" in front of me. He would talk to her and IM me in front of me. Little did I know that they were carrying on their affair the whole time. Please have him stop.

"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8

posts: 378   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2007   ·   location: TX
id 2997468
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reallylost ( member #18185) posted at 4:08 PM on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

trying, once they crossed the line with inappropriate conversations and intimacy, I don't feel they should be allowed to have contact. My fwh still works with his ea partner, and I struggle with that. I couldn't allow even what you think is friendly contact...she should know that your h is off limits after they over stepped the boundaries of normal friendship and that you aren't ok with it...we all have to do what we feel we must do...I just feel like you are being to flexible. There has to be limits for me. Hope you find what works best for you.

Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

posts: 166   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2008   ·   location: KY
id 2997886
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TryingMyBest ( new member #19308) posted at 4:37 PM on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

I am the H, my W had the EA.

Venting a bit...

This sucks. So much for seeing EVERYTHING. Just found email to the OM asking for advice. I wasn't cc'ed or told about it like our agreement. Back to looking for the rest of the f*cking iceberg.

I agreed to pull back the NC for several reasons (all of which made sense at the time, all are crap now), but one reason was because I wanted to give WW opportunities to earn my trust back. I can't give it blindly (and will never be able to again), but wanted to give her opportunities...

Still waiting to see if she tells me about it, though I doubt it since she has deleted it. dejavu all over again. I've tried to be nicve and understanding through this whole ordeal, but I'm not a doormat and refuse to be walked on any longer....

I don't feel like I have anything in common with my WW anymore. The one thing I thought we had she destroyed. She says she loves me, but I hear an unspoken "...but..." everytime she says it. I don't even know if I believe it when I say it anywmore...

The more bullsh*t WW keeps pulling makes me so pissed. I'm tired of it. I feel like I'm the only one that has compromised anything in accepting back such a broken and confused WW. I deserve better than this.

We all deserve better....

Thanks for letting me vent.

BH (me): 38
WW (her): 38
D-Day: 3/20/2008 (EA)
D-Day#2: 5/24/2013(PA)

posts: 25   ·   registered: Apr. 28th, 2008
id 2997985
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TryingMyBest ( new member #19308) posted at 4:46 PM on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

Sorry: didn't mean to break the rules and vent in my last post...

BH (me): 38
WW (her): 38
D-Day: 3/20/2008 (EA)
D-Day#2: 5/24/2013(PA)

posts: 25   ·   registered: Apr. 28th, 2008
id 2998008
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reallylost ( member #18185) posted at 4:55 PM on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

You have every right to vent, trying...She should earn your trust by having nc and sticking to it. make the choice of what is more important...you should win every time. No matter what is going on in your marriage you are married and she owes you the courtesy of communication and fidelity...if that is what you wanted out of marriage...I realized after dday that I had never discussed with my h what

I thought or wanted from marriage...I thought we were on the same page...I don't assume anything anymore..I verbalize it..I have discovered that the man I thought was unlike any other is just a man and they think differently or perceive things differently than women do..You decide what boundaries you feel a marriage should have and what is acceptable for you. Stand up for yourself...she will realize how committed she is if you make her ..and time makes a difference for both of you..this is such a hard journey and you have just begun..be as strong as you can..I was like you, I wanted this to work no matter what and I blamed myself for his straying...it was his choice..I didn't do that and I was in the same marriage. Keep reading here and posting. Take care of yourself and you have lots of people here who understand.

Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

posts: 166   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2008   ·   location: KY
id 2998031
Topic is Sleeping.
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