Newest Member: IUTBTW

I Can Relate :
Emotional Affairs

Topic is Sleeping.
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flower2010 ( member #26889) posted at 11:18 AM on Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

I am in the EA club and posted in Just Found Out. Glad this group is here and the above questions are really good. How many EAs are really EAs? How do we really know? I find it very hard to trust my spouse that the EA hasn't gone to PA. However we just started this road and he's in the 'fog.'

posts: 138   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2009
id 4305604
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trustagain ( member #16921) posted at 12:32 PM on Sunday, December 27th, 2009

I am sorry, but no longer belong here - JFO my WH's EA was really a PA. This sucks... I kind of always had that thought in the back of my mind. I always questioned why someone would have a secret cell phone just to talk to someone, but I never had proof. Now I do so I must say goodbye to this thread.

WH - 55
BS (me) - 57
Son - 31
Son - 24
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Dday Again - 13 years later....

posts: 4478   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2007
id 4311623
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flower2010 ( member #26889) posted at 11:07 AM on Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

sorry trustagain that you have to leave this tread. I have a feeling my WS's 'EA' is really a PA but no proof. Apparenty I need to catch them in the 'act' for him to tell me.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2009
id 4316857
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hertin4certin ( new member #27023) posted at 3:16 AM on Saturday, January 2nd, 2010

Hi everybody - new at this. My story is similar to all of yours, but my WH had EAs with women less than half his age. The first one really rocked my world. I was almost beginning to trust again, which took about five years, when I found out about the second one. He swears he's changed, but how can I possibly ever trust him again? I can't help feeling old, ugly and unwanted. Why would someone who supposedly loves you hurt you so badly? I used to be a pretty happen person.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2010   ·   location: midwest
id 4322730
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flower2010 ( member #26889) posted at 11:47 AM on Saturday, January 2nd, 2010

well i was a short time member of this group - ea was a pa. it took proof for WS to confess

posts: 138   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2009
id 4322964
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Blindsided37 ( member #25963) posted at 12:44 PM on Saturday, January 2nd, 2010

Glad I found this thread. My WS had an EA and when I found out, he was leaving himself wide open for a couple more; in other words, getting inappropriately friendly with women he thought needed his "help", in addition to the OW. I asked him to go NC with the OW and he said he did, but she still contacted him. He said he must not have been firm enough with her, so I got "firm enough" with her in a NC email. Supposedly he hasn't heard from her since.

I discovered the EA from cell phone records, a source I will not reveal to him. And because I won't reveal my source, there are instances that I know of, but cannot confront him with and he hasn't mentioned them. Frustrating!

It's been a few months, but I'm still vigilent. He lied so well that I'll probably never believe anything he says again. His cell calls have dropped off so much that I'm now suspecting a secret phone.

FLower 2010 - Mind if I ask what proof you found to make him confess?

WS: Him (62)BS: Me (59)
Married 36 yrs - 2 Grown children
DDay: May 23,09 DDay #2: 9/09
R: Slowly...

posts: 557   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2009
id 4322976
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flower2010 ( member #26889) posted at 12:48 PM on Saturday, January 2nd, 2010

a $60 voice activated recorder from Walmart. It recorded him having sex with OW in MY car! Get velco and attach it under his car seat.

For the last two weeks I was told he wasn't talking to her and there was NC in place.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2009
id 4322978
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gabyzee ( new member #27026) posted at 4:16 PM on Saturday, January 2nd, 2010

New here and, quite frankly, not happy to be here. But reading all of your posts has been incredibly helpful.

I've had my suspiscions for a couple of months, and I've been tracking the cell phone calls to her (2-3/day - some up to 30 minutes at a time). I finally confronted him yesterday. He admitted to the "very close friendship" but swore up and down nothing physical had happened - because he's married and he loves me. But - and it's a BIG but - he blamed me 100% for this happening to begin with. Our sex life, after 20 years, was lousy, I was unsupportive, I smoke (which he doesn't like), etc., etc. When I told him he had to cut off all contact with her (he works with her - she's his "assistant" - could we possibly get any more cliched here???) he told me he didn't know if he wants to do that.

I just don't know where to go from here. Just because he didn't actually have a PA with her, doesn't make it any less hurtful. I really just want to kill him right now.

Not sure we're going to get through this.....

posts: 11   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2010
id 4323228
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nyclady ( member #26020) posted at 8:01 PM on Saturday, January 2nd, 2010

Gaby-You have a pm.

Feeling hopeless in New York. Please, before you think of giving comfort to me, read my story on my profile before you do.

Me and WH-56
Married 34 years, childhood sweethearts, friends 43 years.
DD-October 7, 2009
Sadly, but luckily, no children

posts: 318   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2009   ·   location: United States
id 4323579
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Blindsided37 ( member #25963) posted at 11:39 PM on Sunday, January 3rd, 2010

(((flower2010))), I'm sorry you had to find out like that. I've considered a var as well. For sure I'll hear a lot more than he's telling me. Good luck to you how ever you decide to proceed.

WS: Him (62)BS: Me (59)
Married 36 yrs - 2 Grown children
DDay: May 23,09 DDay #2: 9/09
R: Slowly...

posts: 557   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2009
id 4325572
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Bussy Boo ( new member #25791) posted at 4:04 PM on Sunday, January 10th, 2010

Hi everyone, glad this is a separate site, there seems to be a lot of us here and your right it hurts so much, the sex has nothing to do with it, count me in as one of the gang.

hugs to everyone who is suffering xx

posts: 31   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2009   ·   location: west sussex
id 4340245
suprised1

Jen ( member #26584) posted at 10:16 PM on Thursday, January 21st, 2010

hey all ... I belong to this thread also ... must have missed it on all my trips thru the I can relate forum ...

it is easier if you read my profile than for me to try and explain it ...

let it be said that stbxwh's EA started end of 06 or start of 07 and the PA started in the summer of 07 ...

he choose the OW and they are now happily in love and still seeing eachother ...

tho he claims it is only 1-2 a week ... ya right ... he also says they are not living together and have no future plans .... ya right ... he also says he is not around her when she has her 2 small boys from her M ... ya right ...

anyway here is my update for the last few days ... again you can read my profile/recent posts that will kinda catch you up ... as I tend to be kinda long winded as you can already tell ...

hey everyone ... hello newbies to this thread ... we have some really great members of this thread and they give amazing advice and support ...

been having a pretty good week since I last posted ... can't complain for once ...

Only thing that has come up is I got my w-2's yesterday and mailed them off to stbxwh today ... he is going to file taxes as married more $$$ ...

then after that he will be doing the D thing ... so I really don't have any emotion about that yet ... don't know if I am in shock, numb, or just don't care anymore ....

I have not broke the 180 again since the last time I think it was over a week ago that I did ...

so that is my update ... just waiting on the roller coaster to start again and praying that it does not ...

Me former Booger Bear ...
https://youtu.be/1TcLw3TOIN8
Hand Me Down MatchBox 20
https://youtu.be/iFdOAyyn76M
Love Falls by HellYeah

posts: 19991   ·   registered: Dec. 15th, 2009   ·   location: Where's the fucking rainbow ???
id 4364661
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shatteredwindow ( member #27051) posted at 9:22 PM on Saturday, January 23rd, 2010

This is me too!...My WW had an EA with an old bf...online

posts: 84   ·   registered: Jan. 4th, 2010
id 4368702
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Drk.8 ( member #26950) posted at 9:59 PM on Saturday, January 23rd, 2010

Guess I belong to this thread now. H’s affair went from EA to PA & is back at EA, will probably remain EA for a while, they’re coworkers and NC is very hard to establish since the crowd he hangs out with includes the OW.

What's so frustrating is he doesn't get what an EA is, thinks as long as it's not physical, it's not an affair.

Me-BS-38, him-WH-40
Married 13+ yrs, together 17 yrs
Perfect 10 yr-old son
DD#1-6/5/09, DD#2-7/8/09, DD#3-12/18/09
Divorcing

posts: 104   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2009   ·   location: US
id 4368754
shutup

Jen ( member #26584) posted at 6:18 AM on Sunday, January 24th, 2010

hmmm ... not really sure I belong here anymore ...

I didn't think this thread was just for EA's only ...

sorry to "butt in" my mistake ...

My STBXWH had a LTA with his bff's WW ... it started out as just a EA(end of 06 started) for the 1st few months ...

and then in summer of 07 turned into a PA ... till present as he choose OW ...

anyway sorry ...

Me former Booger Bear ...
https://youtu.be/1TcLw3TOIN8
Hand Me Down MatchBox 20
https://youtu.be/iFdOAyyn76M
Love Falls by HellYeah

posts: 19991   ·   registered: Dec. 15th, 2009   ·   location: Where's the fucking rainbow ???
id 4369761
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Nouveau ( member #1731) posted at 11:46 AM on Sunday, January 24th, 2010

Here I am again. Back in 2003 I was in the JFO. D in 2004, met my SO that same year.

Just last week I discovered SO's secret emails through Classmates with his XW. Not of a sexual nature, but she was pushing his buttons, baiting him, and they were flirty. It has been a week of hell... I never thought I would have to go through this again, but here I am.

What hurts so damn bad is that he didn't tell me he was communicating with her... lies of omission. He has no children with her, the marriage was annulled 20 years ago when she left him for OM after 2 weeks of marriage. I didn't even know her name.... she was not a factor in our relationship at all... until now.

I never thought in my wildest dreams he would ever hurt me.

I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

posts: 4895   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2003   ·   location: The great frozen tundra
id 4369843
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heart_in_a_blend ( member #24191) posted at 5:08 PM on Friday, January 29th, 2010

My hopefully FWH will only admit to "just friends" even after I bought him the book Not Just Friends. He admits that keeping her secret, phone calls, lunch and dinner at our favorite resturant for all of our anniversaries and bithdays was wrong. But that is all he will ever admit to. I have no proof of anything sexual, had STDs test and it came back thank God negitive.

I only have my gut that tells me there was at least some kind of physical contact between them.

It's like a "white whale" that will always be between us because he just isn't going to give me anymore information. His "just a friend" will not speak to me.

Even though this happened in 2008 I still can't get past my gut feeling. But what can I do about it? What would I do about it if I knew the truth. I've been married for 37 years. R is going well, some days better than others, but it is still right there in my gut.

So I guess I belong here and even if I don't I feel welcome here.

In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

posts: 3036   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2009
id 4382277
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Blindsided37 ( member #25963) posted at 2:52 PM on Monday, February 1st, 2010

Nouveau: So sorry you're having to go thru this again. I can't even imagine the hurt you're experiencing.

I know something about lies of omission. They are just as hurtful as outright lies, if not more so, especially if you already know the truth and are just waiting for him to admit it. ugh.

WS: Him (62)BS: Me (59)
Married 36 yrs - 2 Grown children
DDay: May 23,09 DDay #2: 9/09
R: Slowly...

posts: 557   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2009
id 4387039
frustrated

Jen ( member #26584) posted at 5:37 AM on Monday, February 8th, 2010

ok have not posted here in awhile ... which is good I guess ...

But tonight after the super bowl was over and I was watching Drew Brees with his son ... and he was crying and then he teared up again when he mentioned him in his speech ...

triggered me onto the roller coaster again ... just WHAM out of the blue and there I was falling into sadness ...

that is all I ever wanted in my life was what was shining in Brees's eyes holding his son ... guess I hopes for wanted to much in my life ....

now I feel like I have to settle for school ... which I am excited for and a little nervous now ... I start in a week ...

but I all ever wanted was to be a mommy and have a man who loved me and my children ... just the simple things ... and seeing him with his son hearing him talk about him with pride and love in his voice ...

just brought it all crashing down that that shall never be for me ...

and it hurts so badly ...

So last week on Thursday I believe stbx called me to talk about taxes and this was during the storm when we had no power for a week ... anyway he caught me off gaurd calling me and I wound up sobbing on the phone when we hung up ...

not what I wanted to do was to have him hear me like that anymore ... UGH !!!!

anyway he called me yesterday morning also to get my new address so he could ssend me my 1/2 and I did not cry that time ...

both conversations were very short and to the point no chit chat ... both calls were less than 10 minutes ... kept strictly to $$$ and dogs ... so that was good ...

anyway just an update on where I am at ...

hope you all are doing well and may you all find the peace and balance your lives deserve ....

have a great Monday !!!!

and YAY SAINTS !!!!!

just thought I would put all the faces at the end this time ... I don't know why ... to be different ...

again not to sure I belong in this thread as my stbx's A was a PA but was very heavily involved in the EA also ... as they claim they are in love and it is not just sex, and they are still very much together in the homemaker sense ...

they live apart but they hang out together at her place all the time ... just like a family ... cooking, cleaning ect ... he is just not around the kids when they are there ... YET !!!

I am waiting on that bombshell or they wedding announcement ...

Me former Booger Bear ...
https://youtu.be/1TcLw3TOIN8
Hand Me Down MatchBox 20
https://youtu.be/iFdOAyyn76M
Love Falls by HellYeah

posts: 19991   ·   registered: Dec. 15th, 2009   ·   location: Where's the fucking rainbow ???
id 4403034
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tworoads ( new member #27497) posted at 9:05 PM on Monday, February 8th, 2010

Hi Everyone:

I am glad this thread is here too. All I know for sure is that is was an EA. It took him several months to admit he had "an inappropriate relationship" that hurt me. So apparently he isn't inappropriate anymore...but still having contact. What exactly is he getting out of it. When I confronted him yesterday, he said they had not had contact and that he was healing and forgiving himself. Glad he is able to forgive himself, but in my mind that also means you do not repeat your behaviour.

I am getting tired of all of this drama...he said I drained him by asking well he said interrogating. Really I am drained by continually being lead down the garden path to the composte pile.

Me: BS(43)Him FWH(42)
Married 2.5yrs 4 Grown children
EA...DDay Jan 07
Long Distance R due to elderly parents. Struggling at times.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2010
id 4404332
Topic is Sleeping.
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