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lordhasaplan? ( member #30079) posted at 3:02 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2011
BS- Me (45)D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10). Currently in R.Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.
Llanden ( member #10402) posted at 1:20 AM on Tuesday, August 16th, 2011
"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
BS 41
DD's 20, 14 and 11
lordhasaplan? ( member #30079) posted at 2:18 PM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2011
BS- Me (45)D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10). Currently in R.Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.
Cee64D ( member #21836) posted at 2:07 AM on Friday, August 26th, 2011
The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008
nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 1:39 PM on Thursday, September 8th, 2011
You can call me NIK
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
lordhasaplan? ( member #30079) posted at 3:07 PM on Friday, September 9th, 2011
Bump 
BS- Me (45)D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10). Currently in R.Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.
Will-I-Ever-Know ( member #32703) posted at 6:11 AM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2011
Me BS: 26
Him FWH: 28
Together: 6 years
DDay #1 June 2010
Full blown 6 month long PA: OW was his 2nd Girlfriend.
Many DDays & TT for the rest of this year!
In R. :)
WARNING: I am long-winded. Sorry in advance. :)
lordhasaplan? ( member #30079) posted at 2:44 PM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2011
adbat234 
BS- Me (45)D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10). Currently in R.Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.
foundoutlater ( member #32900) posted at 8:15 PM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2011
Thank you for this post. It gives me some of the direction I needed to move forward. Amazing legs this post has (2 years)
Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.
hathnofury ( member #32550) posted at 6:18 PM on Thursday, September 29th, 2011
Bumping this thread because I refer to it in a thread about my story. I cannot thank you enough for this, it made making my boundaries very clear without totally alienating him.
BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.
isadora ( member #29130) posted at 8:54 PM on Sunday, October 2nd, 2011
Me: BW Him: who cares
Divorced: 4/2015
2 DDs and 2DSs
Who knows how many affairs at this point
Multiple D-Days
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
bufffalo ( member #21854) posted at 5:39 AM on Thursday, October 13th, 2011
bump
unarmbears ( member #7480) posted at 3:40 PM on Saturday, October 15th, 2011
bump
FBS-Me, 67
FWH-Him, 62
2 Sons 33 and 38
2 Daughters 36 & 31 And 5 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie
lordhasaplan? ( member #30079) posted at 2:38 PM on Saturday, November 5th, 2011
BS- Me (45)D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10). Currently in R.Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.
bufffalo ( member #21854) posted at 3:46 PM on Friday, November 11th, 2011
annb ( member #22386) posted at 12:18 AM on Saturday, November 19th, 2011
unarmbears ( member #7480) posted at 2:38 AM on Friday, November 25th, 2011
FBS-Me, 67
FWH-Him, 62
2 Sons 33 and 38
2 Daughters 36 & 31 And 5 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie
Lost and Betraye ( member #33988) posted at 4:47 PM on Wednesday, November 30th, 2011
Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing
"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft
bufffalo ( member #21854) posted at 7:02 AM on Tuesday, December 6th, 2011
blinders_off ( member #34109) posted at 1:04 PM on Wednesday, December 7th, 2011
I have a question about boundaries.
The formulation "When you [insert unacceptable behavior] I feel [bad feeling]..."
Whenever I have used this to set a boundary with my FSO I get the perfectly deflective 'Don't put your feelings on me. No one can *make* you feel anything. If you feel that way, it's your choice."
I also get "Do you want to have a present-based relationship or are you determined to live in/wallow in the past? Your choice, but I guess I'm more interested in now."
The first response is very confusing because it dovetails with that new age/12-step idea of accountability for one's own feelings and reactions. So it sounds like a mature response. But what it does is shut down any avenue for expressing that things like contemptuous put-downs or lies of omission or other relationship-sapping behavior actually have an emotional-physical effect on me. If I let them get to me, that's *my* issue and has nothing to do with him.
And then I feel utterly outfoxed and voiceless.
The second response is also new age/spiritually sanctioned: don't hold on to grudges; all we have is this present moment. And in my relationship it was like a trump card (you: held back by the past; me: present-based and more alive).
But in practical application, it was used to rugsweep and set the "reset" button. Why was I carping on about that thing from yesterday and refusing this lovely time on offer now?
I found that very seductive, and then would enable boundary-crossing behavior. We're talking stuff like rage attacks, gaslighting...
For example, a common thing was we would be headed out for a social evening, and right before we left he would say or do something mean that then destabilized me and made it impossible to enjoy the evening. Then he would point out that I never seem to enjoy myself and this ruined his evening. If I tried to say, "You said/did this cruel thing out of left field," he would calmly tell me either I needed to live in the past or that I enjoyed feeling like a victim and don't put my sour-faced inability to socialize on him.
Or say I tried, several hours after some bad behavior, to say, "I'd really like to talk about what happened..." He would say, "Are you on that still?"
I would end up confused and feeling like I was carping and negative. I would never get to the consequences part of boundary setting, because the consequences to *me* for even bringing up the upsetting incident were too high. Complete shutdown or even more nasty digs.
Any thoughts?
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