SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Shirley Glass' research found that only 10% of the WS' that leave the marriage end up marrying the OP. And 80% of those marriages end in divorce.

Not good odds if you're an OP.

A marriage, in the simplest of terms, is the output of two people. If it’s broken beyond repair, then the implication is that one of the partners is broken. They can run from the marriage, but they’re only running away from themselves. And if you run from yourself wherever you go, are you ever really there?

If I could only get my H to understand that!

Thanks SerJr for this. I really needed this today.

Ser - Thank you for the gift that is this thread.

TTW - What of the other 20% that remain married? Just curious.I have to agree the odds are NOT good. Thank you for your addtional info: very empowering.

Take care everybody!

Wow! Everything you have said is so TRUE! Now, if we could only get these WS to figure this out!

Great post, I love the depth.

I don't want my ex-wife back however I do want her new marriage, to my former good friend, to die naturally a slow painful death. There should be a price to be paid for the things my XWW has done to me.

[This message edited by scorn at 9:30 AM, December 14th (Sunday)]

Bump for LostinNO

And those 20% of the 10% that do work out (what is that like 2-3 couples) don't necessarily live in a good marriage usually more like something constructed out of dysfunction and held together with duct tape. It is typically a shit shack.

Seriously I know two long term marriages that are born of affairs and both those couples are held together by a deep commitment to enable and uphold each others character deficits rather from something good and decent. I don't doubt they have good times but I imagine fun is had in prison too on occasion however most of us wouldn't want to live there permanently.

[This message edited by Syzy at 11:41 AM, December 30th (Tuesday)]

Great job, SerJR.

It is typically a shit shack.

so you have seen where and how my STBX lives

This is a great post, just what I needed today. I know I have no control over it but I truly hope the relationship between H and Skankyscarecrow does not last. Its coming up a year, and no one thought they would make it this long.

This thread reminds me of Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall. Its like they were destined to be together. Mick left his wife (Bianca) for Jerry. He cheated on Jerry so much she got used to it...until he got some model from Brazil pregnant. Its unbelievable how people think love will conquer all, including bad character.

Devastate07,

Although I don't really like to refer to celebs (they're so out of spectrum in many ways), that is one of the most perfect examples. I can't wait to see what happens to Jolie and Pitt!

Fabulous! I am ALMOST tempted to send this to someone, but I am 180-ing him.

Very well said.

And, it is nice to see that folks are seeing this clearly. Sometimes people are fooled into believing that the A partners actually *can* be happily married, despite the origin of their relationship.

This is awesome, and I needed to read it today. Thanks, Ser!

I was almost going to forward this insightful post to my WH, when I suddenly realized it wouldn't change a thing. . .

We would still be going through D, and I would still be angry with him for this whole mess.

But, as a BS, I truly value the caring & insight that SerJR interjects into all of these posts.

Thank you!

Rella

Ser -

I believe everything you have written....

...then why do I also feel like they will live happily ever after?

then why do I also feel like they will live happily ever after?

This hasn't happened yet. So the only facts we really have to go on is the origin of their relationship. The relationship with the OP is comparable to a sand castle. It looks pretty, but lacks a sturdy foundation, substance, and lasting power. Just like a sandcastle is easily washed away, most likely so will their relationship be given time.

Why do you believe that it will last? People often believe things that they are afraid may be true. It doesn't mean that it is though.

In 30 years of knowing couples divorced and relationships started in an affair, I've only seen two types of affair relationships that did OK over a long term marriage with an affair partner. Most did not.

1. An affair that begins to a very young couple where each married the wrong person to begin with. Kind of like the high school kids who marry, and whose only world view is in that small friends group at age 17 and what they wanted in the future were different things. Or someone nicer, if the "bad boy" or temperamental high-maintenance "scarlett o'hara" type had appealed to the immature kid. But now kid has grown up and thinks life is too short to live with jerk/bitch or drug user/emo.

These marriages are usually over by age 25 or so.

2. When the WS was married to someone who was generally regarded by nearly all who knew him/her as a complete bitch/ass on wheels, and was abrasive, critical, jerkish and/or borderline personality disordered to where everyone disliked being around that person. I'm not meaning in-law personality issues, whereby spouse was bookish or career type and in-laws who disliked her were more girly types who did the crafts thing and shopped a lot and were into fashion - or vice versa and the girly girl was different from spouse's family. I mean when a WS has been dealing with emotional abuse and manipulative or abrasive bullying by the BS for years, and suddenly has enough and blows out of the marriage via exit affair.

Even then in cases where a BS really was a bitch on wheels, I think exit affairs crumble later because of of a backlash of resentment on the OW side. Or marriages with affair partner don't do well. The OW waiting in the wings is usually treated badly, kept on pins and needles as WS goes back and forth. Her anger about lies told to her comes out later and it's similar to a BS'es anger after D-Day, though tamped down a bit. If a WS took an exit to escape real-life issues rather than a psycho spouse, and doesn't have it in him/her to work at any repair of any relationship, then affair relationship won't be happy one should it continue.

I have an older relative whose 20-year marriage to his former OW has been a screaming match and power struggle from dawn to dusk, affecting his kids who preferred to visit their old grandma and be bored all day rather than be with their battling parents. But after ruining his first marriage, he had no where else to go.

No matter which woman he chose, he had an angry and resentful woman to deal with, and deal with emotions is not what guys into control and barking orders know how to do well. But he didn't see that, after his long lying cycle and finally a divorce, OW would have had issues as well that he would need to heal.

So this played out as SerJ's last paragraph says, that he stays unhappily out of stubbornness and no longer having choice of his BS.

Some WS won't return because he/she can no longer have the role of the Prince(cess) Charming & Wonderful in the marriage but the Prince(cess) of Selfish Screw Ups - and doesn't want to view himself in that light each day. So he runs to someone fresh in order to play the role of Mr. Wonderful again to someone who doesn't know better.

[This message edited by suspiciousmind at 8:59 AM, December 31st (Wednesday)]

great read!!!!! and great replies!

hooray and a round of applause for the tear-earned wisdom shared by SIers!

truly thankful for the thread SerJR.

I want to believe you Ser and maybe it is true for others but it doesn't seem that way for me.

Why do I say this? Because, my X and the OW have been together for going on 4yrs now. They have a child together and talk on the phone for anywhere from 1-4hrs per day (I know I need to stop snooping)! Yes, per day when they are not together (he's at work, visiting with our kids etc).

The way I see it, there is something there. There has to be otherwise, why would he spend so much time "communicating" with her. Granted, I don't know what they are talking about but not many people 3+ years into a relationship continue to talk THAT much on a daily basis especially about things that aren't satisfying!

Guess she knows what to say/do to keep him coming home and faithful and I just didn't.

I know I don't know what the future will hold but based on their actions now, I see them being one of the 10% that makes it (they aren't married yet but I'm sure it's then next step). Maybe what he did to me and our kids was worth it

Sorry to thread jack.