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Newest Member: Unsureofhope

Just Found Out :
Honey, they always affair down

This Topic is Archived

Edie ( member #26133) posted at 8:37 PM on Thursday, February 26th, 2015

You know Opal, I seem to remember a very long time ago on this thread saying something along the lines that all that glitters is not gold, and is most likely false gold. Your WH may like shiny things but that does not mean he is a connoisseur. He is fascinated, dazzled by the surface because he is looking at his own image in it. Hopefully you know what happened to Narcissus?

When the external beauty of an OW intimidates us, it is useful to examine our response, because we can learn a lot from our response. By that I don't mean go and get a new haircut (although that is always a good idea) but it throws up, reveals our vulnerabilities to us. And questions whose eyes are you judging your perceived shortcomings with. Often, there is a danger that you are using (imagining) your WS's eyes as a lens. But that is really dangerous, their optic is distorted; they have been looking into a broken mirror at themselves, not liking what they see and looking for another surface to see themselves reflected in. And we BSs, who are aging alongside our WSs, don't help in mirroring the younger version of themselves they want to see. So it wasn't helpful for me to pursue the same track of denial about aging as my WS in full MLC. I had to face reality, but determine that if I now felt deficient, in that case I was going to be as beautiful an older women as I could be inside and out (and for me that was a big decision because I had not previously paid any attention at all to my appearance and suddenly had to start thinking about it, and even... being womanly!). That brought the focus back onto me and only me (the essence of the 180), not in any kind of contrast to the OW, who was in any case younger, and who had instituted a competition that I was not in the least bit interested in engaging in. ( it is very often the wife that the OW is competing with rather than aiming her sights just at the WH - the BS is often part of the point of it for the OW.)

As DBB says, your OW feels she only deserves a lying, cheating married man. That's why she is at the back of the pack and easy prey to your WH.

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6398   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 7131463

TryingT ( member #46629) posted at 7:47 PM on Friday, February 27th, 2015

this was something I needed to read today. I'm not perfect but for some reason, making a list comparing us makes me feel better:

me: 43; her: 50

me: BSME/MSME/MBA from very prestigious East Coast universities; her: did she finish her undergrad from SUNY XYZ?

me: makes a healthy income--3x's as much $$ as OW (I know this because her salary is public record)

me: lots of long-term friendships; her: likes to party with whoever is around.

me: responsible home-owner; her: lives in an apartment

me: a mother; her: no children

me: healthy body with curves that past boyfriends have really liked; her: very thin with no breasts

oh and the last one:

me: has never pursued a married man; her: pursued at least one married man (knowing he was married), my husband.

[This message edited by TryingT at 1:49 PM, February 27th (Friday)]

DD#1 7/17/14--blindsided
Many D-Days until Feb/2015
The more I dug,the more I found.
me, BW 44 (at D-Day)
WH 56 (at D-Day
Married 5 years; together for 9 (at D-day)
Second marriage; 3 kids from prior marriages ages 13-19. (at D-Day)

posts: 533   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2015
id 7132784

trustedg ( member #44465) posted at 8:05 PM on Friday, February 27th, 2015

I like the list idea, it does make you feel better

Me: BS; her: didn’t graduate from college

Me: professional, always pulled down a good salary; her: a few PT jobs

Me: lots of long term friendships; her: a few friends of her H

Me: lots of outside interest, hobbies, activities; her: no outside interests

Me: well read, can hold a conversation; her: doesn’t read much, not even the paper

Me: healthy body, her: skinny, no boobs, hairy chest

Me: still look pretty young; her: looks old, like she was rode hard, put away wet

Me: I dress appropriately for the occasion; her: skanky dresser

Me: never pursued a married man; her: pursued many married men, cheated on both Hs, bad reputation

Me BWHim WH DDay 12/2012Married a long time, in R

posts: 2333   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2014
id 7132816

ChangeMaker ( member #43899) posted at 8:36 PM on Friday, February 27th, 2015

Mine affaired up:

He is a free spirit with street smarts, that why he don't need no hi skool diplomy;

He doesn't wear a suit and tie to work like some corporate stooge, man. He does his daily labourer work in any clothes he wants;

He ain't anchored down by no bullshit mortgage, he can come and go from his parents basement anytime he likes, and no property taxes!

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

DDay - June 2014
DD 2008 & 2011
Divorced April 1, 2015

posts: 2333   ·   registered: Jun. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Ontario
id 7132869

hopefulmother ( member #38790) posted at 2:42 AM on Saturday, February 28th, 2015

Mine (WH), a normal middle class store manager in his 40's with a wife he chased for several years (8) and two kids. With a cashier that has fake red hair that is half shaved. Leaves her 10yr daughter with her long term boyfriend to go out partying all night with multiple men at one time. She is tall but boxy. With what my husband calls man/boy looks. Early 30's and the icing on the cake. Only posts about boy bands and wanting to have Justin Timberlakes baby.

Yeah...affair down, can we say easy anyone?

Me-BW 44
WH-44 zugzwang
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 children
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

posts: 1991   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2013   ·   location: PA
id 7133259

BraveandAmazing ( new member #46949) posted at 3:02 AM on Monday, March 2nd, 2015

I needed this.

Last week. Tonight. Always.

Thank you.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2015
id 7135116

Edie ( member #26133) posted at 5:40 PM on Thursday, March 12th, 2015


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6398   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 7147912

DistressedMess ( member #44122) posted at 4:08 PM on Monday, March 16th, 2015


I work with one of the OW's - just watched her waddle past my office window (she does this every morning).


'Truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off'

posts: 111   ·   registered: Jul. 15th, 2014   ·   location: USA
id 7152101

hereagain2 ( member #44695) posted at 4:15 PM on Monday, March 16th, 2015 made me laugh...thanks

posts: 1204   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2014
id 7152117

Sallyjay ( member #47192) posted at 12:22 AM on Tuesday, March 17th, 2015

Yes they sure do!!!

Need to remember this everyday... D-day was only 46 days ago and there have been more bbad days than good days since... this should help me get out of the funk I am in!!!

BS : Me- Faithful wife 41
Amazing mother to 10 year old son

D-day 1 Sept 2009 (sexting)
D-day 2 June 18, 2012 (same dumb skank as D-day 1)
D-day 3 Feb 10, 2015 (multiple escorts)

WH 47
D-Day 4 Dec 08, 2019 Again!!!

posts: 80   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2015   ·   location: Alberta Canada
id 7152685

brokengeek ( member #46299) posted at 1:21 AM on Tuesday, March 17th, 2015

I'm a bit opposite.

WW affaired up. Wealthy executive type. He, the OM, affaired down.

I'm not going to affair up or down.

When the time is right it'll be an upgrade.

[This message edited by brokengeek at 7:22 PM, March 16th (Monday)]

Me: BH, WW
M 2004, 4 kids
DD1 - PA 9/05 Swept
DD2 - 12/31/14 - 1/7/15 EA+PA
TT DD3 - 1/10/15 ONS (diff OP)
Tried R
TT DD4 - 5/15 Abort, filed D 6/15
Tried 2nd R 5/16
WW EA? - 7/16
I left to find work.

posts: 117   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2015   ·   location: Midwest, US
id 7152736

njm81183 ( new member #44510) posted at 1:47 AM on Tuesday, March 17th, 2015

Thank you I needed this..

posts: 7   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2014
id 7152749

BtraydWife ( member #42581) posted at 4:11 PM on Friday, April 3rd, 2015

Bumping for a friend.

DD-March 2010

posts: 5437   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 7174418

angiec ( member #45987) posted at 12:35 PM on Sunday, April 5th, 2015


I'm diagnosed with PTSD.
Him- diagnosed with severe bipolar. On/off affair 2.5 years. Hypersexuality in a hypomania state.

posts: 520   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2014   ·   location: Harrow, ontario, Canada
id 7175809

destiny777 ( member #47321) posted at 5:53 PM on Sunday, April 5th, 2015

Woooow...powerful...encore...wooow...the b*itch is just that. A downgrade. She's uglier and older and of course one look at her and she couldn't stand next my education and class.

Thank you for this thread. I will read it and reread it

I will rise like the phoenix out of the ashes. (Until then, it's very painful)

posts: 378   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2015   ·   location: New York
id 7176036

Fre66 ( new member #47423) posted at 12:48 AM on Monday, April 6th, 2015

This article was the highlight of my day!! I will retread this one for many months to come. It gave me the shot in the arm I needed. Thank you so much!

Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
D Day 3/1/2015
Married 1 year (2nd marriage for us both)
OW Craigslist women
Me49. WS46

posts: 33   ·   registered: Apr. 4th, 2015   ·   location: Mid West
id 7176297

NeverAgain2013 ( member #38121) posted at 9:02 PM on Tuesday, April 7th, 2015

*Bumping* for new members.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

posts: 6327   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 7178560

Iustitia ( new member #47481) posted at 7:10 AM on Friday, April 10th, 2015

Thank you--I needed to be reminded of this today. In the midst of all this pain and confusion, it's good to remember that I am worth more than I feel right now.

Me: 26 BS
Him: 32 WS
D-Day #1: 15 Nov 13 (EA)
D-Day #2 15 March 15 (PA)
NC: 15 March 15
M: 3.5 yrs

posts: 3   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2015
id 7181735

goingtothrive ( member #45486) posted at 1:30 PM on Friday, April 10th, 2015

Mine affaired to his level.

Me: 55

Him: 46

Her: 41

Me: Master's Degree

Him: No Degree

Her: No Degree

Me: Educated Professional

Him: Trained Professional in a low paying profession

Her: Office Manager

Me: Home Owner

Him: Not a pot to piss in

Her: Home Owner

Me: Educated, ironic and absurdist sense of humor

Him: Good sense of humor

Her: Thinks a picture of Spock playing the guitar is hysterical

Me: Like an intimate gathering of intelligent friends

Him: Beer party around a burn barrel with his redneck family or an intimate gathering of intelligent friends

Her: Every post on facebook is about alcohol

Me: People say I'm real, intelligent, talented and beautiful if not somewhat over-emotional

Him: Nicest guy on the planet, warm, easy to be around, gentle natured

Her: a slut and party animal

Me: Never cheated on him or lied to him

Him: Married me without truly loving me, constantly wanted to sleep with other women, lied, cheated, abused and then left

Her: Chose a married man to get out of her 3 year marriage to a man who "didn't fulfill promises." Cheat, liar and thief.

They are a "better fit" as my exwh likes to say.

[This message edited by goingtothrive at 7:32 AM, April 10th (Friday)]

Dday Dec. 2012
Divorced Dec. 14, 2014
M 17 years
1 DS 17
He married OW. Now she has the same last name as me and my son, and it makes me sick.

posts: 1609   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Oregon
id 7181861

flower7 ( new member #46472) posted at 9:16 PM on Friday, April 10th, 2015

This seemed so true in my case. My WH had an affair with his HS girlfriend who was very unattractive, an alcoholic, and compulsive liar. It was such a punch in the gut when I saw her picture. I think it would have been less insulting if she HAD been attractive. The few people I showed her picture to would immediately gasp.

Me: BW 37
Him: WH 39
Married 6 yrs, been together 11 yrs
2 kids (5 and 1)
DDay: 11/25/14 DDAy2: 12/5/14

WH had over year long EA with high school crush. It started while I was pregnant with second child.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2015   ·   location: Chicago
id 7182655
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