SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi TimMe.

I too believe that cheating is cheating regardless of a marriage certificate or not.

And like Sad In AZ says, I sometimes don't feel like I have the insight to help someone posting or am overwhelmed by the pain because it's too close to home to respond.

Your feelings and pain ARE important. I wish I had some wise words of you right now but I am having so much trouble with my own sitch that it makes me question my ability to help others.

(((TimMe)))

I'm sorry you feel that way about SI. Personally I don't see any snobbery but I do think since SI is such a large community, people do sometimes get lost in the crowd unintentionally.

DS posted some stats the other days. SI moves fast, really fast.

If you don't get the responses you need, bump your threads back up. Coming back to threads you start and replying to the people that respond to you helps a lot too. It lets us know if we're heading in the right direction offering support, or not.

When I first read your post I thought, "Here's somebody with like 5 posts and nothing in the profile" and I have to apologize man, was I wrong.

I feel like SI has been a big help the past few weeks, but I also feel it can only do so much. I feel lacking that there isn't somebody I can meet in person and talk for a while. My IC is great but I only see her every other week.

Is there somebody in real life that you can talk with, maybe it's what you need too.

(((((huge hugs)))))

I have been cheated on as a BF and as a H...both hurt like hell...Sorry for your pain...SI is a good place, everyone is willing to help...The WSs have helped me as much as the BSs...

The WSs have helped me as much as the BSs...

Ditto. I have found that when a WS takes the time to come into General and lend a comforting word to me as a BS, that I find it highly validating and comforting since I have not had a remorseful WS.

I am so sorry and ashamed for inferring that the genuine and kind people here are snobs. Truly, I don't know why I even said that. And I'm aware that there are many who are hurting as well.

I'm having a very rough time and even though I go to IC bi-weekly, I keep going down. It seems that my resilience is not what it used to be at all. Seeing that this is the second time for me,the damage is even greater than the first time.

Again, I'm sorry.

(((((TimMe)))))

I've learned that much of this healing process is about finding ways to get our needs met - and many times it is in ways that are not familiar to us. That's part of the growth.

So let me first say to you - Way to go! This is progress/growth.

As for the other, hang in there. It may feel like you are going down - and sometimes you actually may be. But as my IC once explained to me, this process is not a straight, linear path up. There will be dips. But when you get far enough to have a bigger picture perspective, you will see that the line always progressed in an overall upward movement - despite the dips.

Believe in that. This is all a necessary part of the process.

Tim,

My story is very different than yours...you can see more detail in my profile if you care to...

I am what some may consider one of the "lucky" ones. My H had a ONS, not a LTA, was immediately remorseful, established NC before I even knew, and immediately after DDAY did anything and everything to make things better and help me heal.

That doesnt make my pain any less real, just as the fact that you weren't married doesn't make yours any less real.

Like some of the other posters have said, sometimes I just dont know what to say, and the boards do move very fast.

Keep posting...bump the post yourself if you need too. This really is a wonderful place for support.

Truly, I don't know why I even said that.

As a BS, I remember those times when I struggled with what my WW did. Her choices shattered my self esteem and I was reaching out for help and wasn't feeling like I was getting it. I suspect that your self esteem has taken a big hit too and I think that you are just trying to stabliize things.

I think this was a reason why you though that there might be snobbery on SI. Hopefully as you spoke out that you are seeing that this site really does care about the other members. People try to help as best as they can. I encourage you to keep posting and be clear in the questions that you are struggling with. You are also welcome to drop me a PM at any time.

Seeing that this is the second time for me,the damage is even greater than the first time.

This is my first time through this mess. I don't envy anyone who's gone through it more than once. But I do know there are many here who walk in your shoes.

I would also recommend that you find the Betrayed Men's thread in the I Can Relate Forum, Tim. You are not alone.

(((((TimMe)))))

gettingthrutoday

There are a lot of us here who wonder how we could have been so "insignificant", the feeling that we were missing reality.

Unfortunately, it takes 2 to make a M, but only 1 to break it.

Unfortunately, you're right gtt...."work" to me is not as literal as it sounds. It goes with the territory if you KWIM.

Thank you.

BorrowTrouble

Human beings are incredibly complex, and the more difficult their lives have been the more complex and problematic they are.

I agree - I'm the kind of person who tries to figure it out when something feels out of whack. But it takes two with that shared thinking.

Relationships are not easy. The idea that they should be, or that relationships that require effort are somehow "less than" is kind of juvenile.

I've often heard (even from some of my family- the dysfunctional ones :)that a relationship shouldn't require work. That's so far from the truth. Anything that's worth having is worth the effort in keeping it.

Like anything else worthwhile, a good relationship requires work.

I wholeheartedly agree BT and I thank you for your shoulder.

neverendinghurt

I'm not sure why you think your story doesn't warrant any credence - is it because you are not married?

Actually not neh - IMO, a true commitment is the same in both common law and marriage. I think when I referred to "credence", I felt that I wasn't being heard.In a dark spot right now and I realize that -especially after I've been through this twice now- it takes time to grieve and process. I just never thought I'd be in this place again.

If so, that isn't the case, cheating is cheating, whether it is on a spouse, a girlfriend/boyfriend or partner.

I agree.

Infidelity hurts, it hurts even more when you ahve an unremorseful partner.

That's been the hardest part- being abandoned with no remorse or compassion. You're witnessing a different person and wondering where the old one went.

It is hard to understand how/why someone tosses aside a relationship for an affair.

History means ALOT to me- both good or bad. My parents were together for 62 years, so I can easily see why I put much emphasis not only relationships in general, but the devotion aspect of it.

It does leave us, the BS, completely blindsided.

My XWSO was blindsided herself. That's why it's difficult to understand how they can do the same thing to someone else. I heard stories ( both through her and her mom)showing how out of control she was after XWH cheated on her. With me, it's no big deal.

Thanks so much for reaching out to me.

greeneyedlass

(((Tim)))

While, I'm not always a daily regular here...I can tell you that sometimes, when I read a person's post...if there's not much detail, not much to go off of...it's hard to comment on it. So, my best advice to you on here is...if you want feedback, commiseration, empathy, or anything else...the more you provide the more likely you are to get that back.

GEL, I've tried to do that, but sometimes (and I know this) there so many posts (unfortunately), that it's very hard to go through so many. I guess I lost track of that reality.

You'd be amazed how often we see posts on here that are so short, with no information...and people are hurt that no one responds (but how do you respond???)

I understand- sometimes I try to get "out of myself" and offer support when my head is somewhat together.And sometimes having to repeat things can tax you. Does that make any sense?

Even in this post...you really aren't telling us what you are feeling besides not feeling validated, validated in what feeling???? Give us more to go on here...it really does help us, and you.

Barring any seemingly requests for pity, my struggle has been the abandonment (twice) and the lack of remorse, explanation, and/or empathy. I know others struggle with those unanswered questions, but the mind insists on knowing them.

It's tough to realize how people can turn into "aliens" and I think that's probably the hardest part- sort of like selling your soul to the devil for whatever selfish reason(s)

Thank you for your kindness GEL.

NewAttitude

TimMe, have you thought about reaching out for support from the other men at this site?

I have done so, but not often. I have also posted on the "WS who left for AP" thread, but it's been slow there.

There is a huge and awesome group of them that will understand your situation very well if you go into the I Can Relate forum and find the Men's thread.

I'll try to go there more often and thank you for your suggestions. Much appreciated NA.

TearInYourHand

Like you, I was also in a long relationship with someone I was not married to. I did get often times that I should just leave him, but I never felt that any members of SI felt their experiences were above mine. I do understand that from some others' perspectives, I was the lucky one to be able to be able to break it off and start over with no repercussions to family or lifestyle, and able to start over.

Everyone's situation is unique and no one knows what its truly like in your relationship. Even if you were M, there would be strong opinions offered here that are sometimes off the mark for you. People offer their help from their own experiences, and sometimes it may be a bit distorted or biased. Its up to you to see which may help you out, but there is a lot of wisdom and support here.

Yes TIYH- much wisdom indeed. I'd like to think that I have some wisdom myself- seeing that this is the second time around - even if it wasn't expected. Problem is that wisdom doesn't lessen the pain.

And as others have said, relationships are not easy. What makes us think that a relationship should just naturally hold itself together just because two people love one another? They take a lot of work, like anything else worth cultivating.

Sadly, many people don't entertain that reality. The divorce rate substantiates that contention.Unrealistic expectations is another problem - people looking for others to fill their void. I don't believe in that unjust way of thinking, but obviously I've had some bad luck in hoping they thought in a similar manner. I get very sad when I see promising relationships that had plenty of joy throughout simply discarded with the false hope / illusion of finding something better.

Thank you TIYH - very much.

I am so sorry and ashamed for inferring that the genuine and kind people here are snobs. Truly, I don't know why I even said that.

Please don't feel sorry or ashamed. Alot of us know exactly how you are feeling, when you are depressed and betrayed it's hard not to take EVERYTHING personally.

I remember nearly crying one day because I got bad service when dining alone and just being very sensitive to anything I percieved as rejection.

SI does move fast and I know in the beginning I would feel very hurt if I didn't get any responses too. My self esteem was so low I thought that even anonymous people could tell a loser was writing in...

A 7 year relationship is a VERY long relationship and it is serious whether you were married or not. Hell, in my marriage I was the only one that was fucking married.

I take it from your registration date that this is still a very fresh wound. Holding on, showering and eating, not thinking about the betrayal (every minute of every day) are often the only things you can do for a couple of months.

Take it easy on yourself, don't be embarrased, you've been through an incredible trauma and we (more than any other group) know that.

[This message edited by why2008 at 7:27 PM, February 5th (Friday)]

imagoodwitch

Just because you don't have a piece of paper that legally binds you to a person and you didn't utter "til death do we part" doesn't mean it hurts any less.

No it doesn't goodwitch - I had the same commitment and devotion as when I was married. A piece of paper is only a legal form as far as I'm concerned.

TimMe, there are a great bunch of guys here on SI and a great bunch of girls who will help you if you just tell us how we can. That is why we are here. To help each other through one of the most devastating things, other than death, a person can go through.

Thanks goodwitch and yes, there's NO question that this site is a lifeline for many. Your thoughts are appreciated.

Sad in AZ

I don't know if this will make any sense, TimMe, but I'll try.

Sometimes, when I read a post, the situation is so far out of my personal orbit, there is nothing I can say; I may be able to offer hugs, but sometimes I'm overwhelmed by my lack of insight.

Other times, the post is so close to my situation that it brings on overwhelming sadness and paralysis--I'm not able to reply.

Every once in a while, a reply just comes to me with utter clarity--I can't type the words fast enough!

Keep posting; your situation deserves credence no matter what you write.

(((((TimMe)))))

ONE MUST DARE TO BE HIMSELF, HOWEVER FRIGHTENING OR STRANGE THAT SELF MAY PROVE TO BE.--Chinese Fortune Cookie

'Impossible to see, the future is.'-Yoda

Triggers, triggers everywhere and not a gun to fire-ME!

Thanks for offering that perspective SIA - I completely understand. Much strength to you.