SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

ThoughtIKnewYa

TimMe,

I don't know your story, but we have a lot in common. Particularly the 'why' question. I got the answer a couple of years into the process. The REAL answer was that my H was emotionally immature. He's working on that and I'm working on me. But the utter despair, I understand.

I don't think there's any question that many WS are emotionally immature or broken in some way. I guess I'd like to think that more wouldn't take the easy way out and at least try to figure out that "void". Yes, despair is an appropriate word.

"my" situation doesn't warrant any credence

Why do you say this? It isn't true, I know that...

I don't know why I felt that way really- I guess it's the frustration and/or expectation of getting some answers. I realize that sometimes it happens. My XWW left me abruptly after cheating and eventually married the AP. I remember before she left giving me a card and saying : "Maybe one day, I'll explain". She denied ever having an affair but knew in my heart that wasn't so. Unfortunately, she couldn't explain the "real" reason which I discovered after she left.

Thank you ITIKY - I'm glad you got some answers.....eventually.

cryingdaily

If you feel this way because you were not M.....neither was I and I've been here for...forever.

And I'm sorry that you've been here so long CD. Sorry for your pain.

There are many, many, many of us here who were not M but receive the same support as those who are/were M.

I'm somewhat aware of that- certainly not as much as you.

I've gotten no answers, so I speculate each and every day as to "why" someone who seemingly loved you, cast you aside without any remorse, any explanation, any semblance of what once was.

Some of us never get the "answers" we are looking for.

Yes, that's very frustrating - especially since this is the 2nd time w/o any answers. But the sad reality is that the WS isn't brave enough or interested enough in providing any answers - for whatever reason(s)

Unfortunately, the reasons for infidelity are as numerous and as varied as the people who are engaged in A's. It's just a fact.

What's very common is the core reason - that being selfishness.

I will never fully understand why he felt the need to destroy what we had. If you read my profile you will see that our R was the envy of our friends.

I have my theories but I will never know exactly why it all happened the way it did.

I think the only way for any enlightenment is "if" the WS at least attempts to figure it out themselves. I've read many, many books on relationships and infidelity. The one I'm currently reading: "Receiving Love" explains an awful lot of things - mainly bringing unconscious wounds into the conscious. Not easy, but it's not rocket science either. It goes without saying that it all depends upon a commitment to be the healthiest person you can be, but until that selfishness is dealt with, no progress will or can be made.

The purpose of my being here was to get help for ME. I came here a broken mess and while no one here could answer all my questions, they held me up when I thought I was going to crumble.

This board has an amazing amount of people who truly care. It's a god-send IMO.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. Keep posting. You are in the right place.

(((TimMe)))

Thank you CD and I hope you find the peace again.

It is maddening to want so badly to have the answers. I have driven myself crazy for years chasing answers and wondering why. What I've learned is that WH probably couldn't give me the real answers even if he wanted to...he isn't capable because he doesn't know.

Sometimes it seems like everyone is broken in their own way. I couldn't have known it at the time, but I was drawn to him because his wounds were familiar to me. What I've found helpful is to try to focus on ME and healing my wounds. That's really the only thing I can control. I'm trying to trust that the rest will take care of itself. So much easier said than done.

I hope that you find peace and clarity!

This thread kept me reading because I feel the same way. Unremorseful spouse. Moved on with OW. Left me to feel like our 7 year relationship - 5 years married - meant nothing. We were "that couple" - the silly, cute couple everyone loved and thought we were so perfect for each other.

Actually, during one if many of his confessions to me about numerous cheatings, he said he also felt "trapped" by the label attached to us as such a silly, good couple. And He said that I was too controlling (I like to keep the house clean and am a "neat and tidy" person). Anyway, by the time he disclosed all of his infidelities - many online and 1 PA/EA with the person who is now his girlfriend - he had a pretty long list of all of the ways I sucked.

He cheated while I was pregnant with our first child. We separated when my son was 2 months old (he refused to cut ties to OW). Carrying a child, going through childbirth with the person you think is your partner in everything - and then finding out it's all been a lie - it's a pain that is impossible to describe with the right words.

He has moved on like I never existed. Like losing me is no big deal.

I read a lot of posts. It's hard to respond because I read posts from

my phone. since I've unexpectedly become a single mom, haven't had time to fill in details on my profile, but I am trying! I wanted to reply to this because I really can relate and found some comfort from this thread.

TimMe... Your story has warrant.... I don't know your story, but infidelity is the same when you put your 'soul' everything 'trust' in another person... married or not. We all feel the same utter despair when that person turns their back on you.

Personally, the feeling of being so "insignificant" was the hardest part of my WS's A's. I felt SOOOOOOOOO 'insignificant' when I was suppose to be the MOST significant person in his life. I 'literally' did not exist in my WS life during his A's... and that is the ultimate of pain. And, then when D-day hit... how could he want R, when he was still lying during the whole process? Made me feel even more insignificant! My whole life was shattered.

I can think of nothing that hurts more than infidelity, and then I realized I had a un-remorseful husband on top of the infidelity... how can I ever dig my way out????

I found SI because I needed help for ME. All our situations are different, but we all had that same desperate despair. I, like so many here, felt I was the 'biggest' broken mess of all. I found out, I was not alone. So many on SI took the time to hear me and validate ME for what I was feeling... I had no one else to talk to.

I'm so sorry you are hurting and I hear YOU. There is NEVER, EVER justification to cheat EVER.... Keep posting. You will find out you are in the right place.

[This message edited by Bobbie at 3:17 PM, February 6th (Saturday)]

Did you ever find answers when you went through it the 1st time? I know I will never have answers, there is no valid reason to treat someone the way he treated me. I've just accepted that I'll never know, it has nothing to do with me and at this point it doesn't matter.

Going through it a 2nd time, with a former BS is something I fear most. I'm sorry you're going through this again.

tryinhard999

TimMe, I'm struggling with the same thing as we're getting ready to finalize D. It's like I feel she owes me an explanation. I just don't understand why she had to handle things the way she did. Why did she have to rewrite history so that we can't remember anything about our marriage fondly? Why did she tell me she wanted to R, but then sabotage the whole process? Why did she tell me she's not sure if she ever loved me? Why did she sign us up for MC but then lie to me and the counselor in the sessions? I think I know the answers, but I'm not really sure because she wouldn't talk about it. Is she protecting me? No, she's probably protecting herself.

It does sound like she's afraid to admit her fault due to shame and/or guilt. It certainly doesn't make any sense that someone would totally not only discount history, but also rewrite it. The big question is: "if things were so bad, then why didn't you afford "us" the chance to fix it?" Of course alot of that is blame-shifting and when that happens, there is no getting through to their self rationale and distortions. I know how it feels trying hard and I'm sorry you're experiencing such pain.Whether it's the fog, pure selfishness, or a combination of reasons, we're left to speculate and guess.

I know that I need to let her go, but it's hard to do. Why does it seem so easy for her to let me go? That's hard to deal with for me. My commitment to her was absolute. My commitment reflected the depth of my love for her. To find out after so many years that her commitment to me hardly existed... painful. Did she not commit herself at all? How is it seemingly so easy for her to let go of me? It is not easy for me to let go. And it shouldn't be.

You can see in so many stories how "easy" it is/was to let their partner go. There's no question that it's an unhealthy or broken situation they're in, but we can't fix them. All the resounding "why's" are like pure torture. You can see there are cowards (as in both of our situations), and there are the somewhat lucky (for lack of a better word) BS who eventually saw their WS show some remorse and shame.Frm all my reading, I have to say that when empathy is non existent, unfortunately they showed their true colors. Whatever reason(s) it is for that lack of compassion, only they can figure it out.That's if they care enough to do so.I've also come to realize (at least in theory), that if your issues - your inability to give or receive love is seriously out of whack, then a new person is not going to change those demons. Same issues, different person. And it's vice versa as well- the new person with the old issues (eventually they come out after the romantic phase and the power struggles begin) is in the same boat. In other words, the seemingly greener grass is an illusion.

I just say all this so you know that you are not alone. You are not insignificant. None of us are insignificant. We are all equally valuable.

And I must say the same to you trying......I feel your pain and frustration. I feel the same unanswered questions and wish that somehow you'll realize that you (and all the other hurting BS) are dealing with unhealthy individuals who can only fix themselves. It sucks to have to sit back and witness the horror.

Much strength to you.

somanytears

(((TimMe)))

I want you to know that you are heard...I hear you and I care about you.

Thank you smt

My story is not as dramatic or traumatic as many here,but those of us whose situations are not so similar as many others are no less important or painful.

I apologize on behalf of this entire community if you have not felt welcomed,valued or safe here. You are welcome to PM me anytime. I mostly lurk these days and do not linger long...at two years out and after much healing...I choose to focus on other things. However,there was a time when I was here all day...every day. I still get notice of PM's so please,contact me anytime. I promise to respond!

The most encouraging thing I can say to you TimMe is that

there will come a time when you will no longer need to know the "why's"....and in most of our cases our WS's when asked (unless they have been through alot of IC) cant tell you why. Often,they dont know themselves.

They are broken people searching for something they cannot find in themselves.

I hope that you are in IC..I know for myself it has been invaluable. The time,cost and work are well worth it. It is a wonderful gift to give yourself.

Focus on YOU,what you can control,how you respond to your feelings,take good care of YOU and soon you will find that the "why's" are not as important as "where do I go from here"

Sending you a huge hug and positive thoughts.

jrc1963

TimMe,

I wasn't married to my FWSO either.

As for snobbery on SI... I don't think it's true.

I've had good and bad days and posted about both. Sometimes I get a lot of responses, sometimes not very many.

Yes, I was having a rough night JRC and it showed in that post. I've since corrected that unfounded, yet unintentional remark.

I think it all depends on what your posting and what your asking for and the day of the week.

I agree - I can see that now.

Sometimes, especially on the weekends there aren't many people online. Some people read but don't post... some people like me try to reach out to as many as possible.

And I appreciate your reaching out jrc. And yes, I've seen the difference on weekends. I guess at first I thought everyone was sitting home isolating like me.

Please keep posting and PM me anytime you feel the need to talk. I'm on SI every single day and I will answer you.

I'll do that jrc and thanks again for your kindness.

jaded_and_lost

I don't think it's less painful to be cheated on whether you're married or not. I have had both now, and it was the fact that we were in our mid 30's when we met and married, and that our blended family was made so dysfunctional by his borderline ex and same traited daughter, that greatly contributed to the A happening, by making our family fragile and in constant chaos.

You're right jaded- BPD is not an easy thing to deal with. relationships are can be difficult in and of itself with fairly healthy people. Add BPD to the mix and it becomes a struggle.

I have my own answers as to why. I did disconnect with my WH, but...

He as my H SHOULD have tried harder to reach me, to do what I asked regarding taking over the reigns for his dysfunctional daughter, rather than dumping her on me. He acknowledges these things. BUT it's still not WHY he did what he did.

People basically have choices. Those choices can be conmpounded by an unhealthy "variable" - in this case the daughter. The reality is that you've been hurt and it was NOT your choice. So for whatever dysfunctional reason(s) there were for A, you and I know that instead of running or shutting someone out, with empathy and a little tenderness, many things can be resolved. Hard work? - of course.But when the potential prize of joy can be realized. To me it's well worth the effort.Emotional injuries should be no different than physical ones. You normally try to heal them.

He did what he did b/c he is not emotionally evolved enough to be in a long term marriage, b/c he can't communicate his feelings, b/c he can't even dig deep enough to question them, or acknowledge he needs help in that respect.

Haven't we heard this before? All to often I'm afraid. What's "good" is that you realize it and strive for your healthy understanding of it all. That's growth for sure.

I am a painfully self aware and highly emotionally analytical person.

I'm sort of the same way.Sometimes I analyze things to death - but that's a part of "me" that I have no reason to set aside. I don't show emotion to a great extent (due to the thinking part), but I take after my late dad who rarely showed emotion. He was a physician, so I'm not sure if that was part of the reason. I assure you that for any lack of demonstrative showing (in an optimal sense) of affection, I more than make up for it with countless "little things" that show how much I care. At least with me, that's my love language and the bottom line is that they're gifts. It all depends upon the partner seeing it as such. I enjoy giving with no expectation of reciprocity. that's how I was raised. Seeing that you're that kind of person, I can imagine how frustrating it can be with someone who's the opposite.

I realized after this experience that I need someone who doesn't need me to fill a void, for them or their child. I never asked him to father my sons, as they have a great dad in my exH. So he never tried that hard to bond with them.

And speaking figuratively, we cannot fill the void in the "child" of the partner - meaning the child within - meaning we can't figure out their wounds and if we do, it's up to them to acknowledge them. Unrealistic expectations is what it's often referred to. That's why in order to fully realize joy, a person has to be comfortable with themselves. They bring their individual difference(s) to the table with hopes that they can positively influence their partner "together". In theory that is.

His exW has not been present so I tried to stand up and be a parent to my dysfunctional SD, who resented me for it b/c she wanted her own parents to do it instead of me.

I dated someone with children from a former marriage. It wasn't easy, but I did my best to accept them and their faults. Easier said than done.

WS's are seeking an external to fill a void they should be filling themselves. The trigger could be midlife crisis or a BS who was disconnected, but the action off the A is ALWAYS selfish, always about the WS and never about the BS. (Or SO in your case- just using the initials that I'm used to typing.)

Selfishness and/or the easy way out is at the core of all infidelity. The psychological reasons are secondary IMO.

There is no excuse to cheat. EVER. I don't care if the BS couldn't get out of bed for a year of depression, then help them or leave them but leave with your vows intact, or your integrity intact if you weren't married.

I wholeheartedly agree - healthy (and devoted) people have that mindset. It's a given for them.

Please know...this is not about you or what's wrong with you at all.

It is all about them. THEY are all about them and their "needs" getting met by someone else. And anyone who is at all emotionally evolved knows...

In my case, I thought she was emotionally 'evolved". Obviously, the experience of XWH cheating on her(XWSO) didn't mean lessons were learned.

no one can fill your voids but yourself. It's not psychologically sound to think anyone can. It's likely why many A's end after they get to try each other on in the real world. B/c in the real world, kids need to be driven to sports, and kids need to be cared for when sick, and laundry needs done, and people get busy with other things beside filling up other people's voids.

HUGS!

Exactly. Self reliance is a good thing and it doesn't necessarily mean that you segregate yourself. I believe the proper word is "interdependence."

Thank you for your reaching out and kindness. I hope that you can get through the mess. Much strength to you.

NaiveAgain

((((TimMe))))

I've had posts also that did not get much attention, especially in the beginning, and what I learned, now that I respond a lot (see my post count) is that it is very hard for me to answer some of the questions, because sometimes I don't even know what is being asked....

I read a couple this morning that was not my particular situation, and I did not want to give bad advice, so I didn't give any advice. Sometimes I just try to give hugs and support.

The people here are very caring and supportive, but sometimes get confused as to what is being asked.

If you are feeling that you do not get much support, ask specifically for that. Post a thread title saying, I just need hugs/support today, and watch how many will come to your aid, just to let you know we care.....

Whether you are married or not makes no difference to anyone I have seen on these boards so far.....I wasn't married when mine cheated, I did get married after d-day (talk about hysterical bonding), but I got support both before and after, it hurt the same, and honestly, a lot of us still are trying to figure out how the heck someone can just cast you aside.

For my WS, he is a SA. So, for him, obviously his addiction was more important than his family. Boggles the mind. He is not a happy person, and he is chasing after a superficial high, instead of doing the hard work to make a real relationship. Too bad for him. I am healing and moving on.

I have found a place of peace from this. He is still living in a whirlwind of chaos.

Keep posting, the more people understand about your situation, the more we are able to help..

Thanks so much Naive and I'm sorry for your past pain. You sound like a strong woman who really tried throughout. It's very disappointing. I realize that you can only do so much and the "chaos" is their problem.

Continued strength to you and your future.

I've gotten no answers, so I speculate each and every day as to "why" someone who seemingly loved you, cast you aside without any remorse, any explanation, any semblance of what once was.

Wow. Well stated.

To this day it is difficult for me to wrap my head around this, but people who do these things lack love of themselves, so they are incapable of truly loving another. They think they can, but the truth is that they just don't know what love is.

My guess about your X would be that she screwed-up your relationship (without your knowledge, at the time) and realized how much work it would take to fix it- and she took the easy way out, the coward's route. Just know that relationships that begin in deceit often end the very same way.

I'm sorry for your pain and frustration. It must be maddening.

(((TimMe)))

Paperclip

(((TimMe)))

I'm not good at advice giving, but I can give you a hug.

A hug will do. Thanks.

I read your profile, you most definitely belong here...don't ever feel bad posting.

I think that sometimes posts for whatever reason get overlooked, sometimes probably because there are so many members here, that the boards can move very fast! I have a hard time keeping up with it.

Yes, I know what you mean Paperclip. Sadly, many posts.

I'm a year and a half out of d-day and I still haven't figured out the why, other than some horrible brokeness in our waywards. You're right, relationships shouldn't be this hard!

No, they shouldn't be so hard....at least without any selfishness. That's at the core of many A's.

I appreciate your kindness.

czarina

Cheating is cheating.

I just barely "count" as having been married, but the affair started before that and I don't really feel like I was ever married. I would have likely been just as crushed if we had not gotten married. We were together, like you, for many years and I share your feelings about the history meaning nothing now. The affair has left me wondering what else was a lie? Who was this person I was with? Was he all a lie? The hardest part for me is wondering how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Hi Czarina....I'm so sorry that you were treated this way. Someone here has a sig line that says: "One falsehood destroys a thousand truths". Thanks to whomever I'm quoting. I think that applies to you and just about everyone here. It's a terrible feeling having to now second guess that what you thought was pure joy and devotion might have been false. Karla Bonoff wrote a song "If He's Ever Near"-

The song says the same thing as the sig line....

"They say that's once in life, you find someone who's right...

But the world looks so confused, I can't tell false from truth"

I think you'll find that these questions are shared by a lot of people here, regardless of the details of their relationships and the affairs. *big hugs*

There are so many common "hurts" here and even though it's vlidating, it's very, very sad to read how peoples' lives were so damaged.

Thank you for your words Czarina- much appreciated. And you DO count as a person - one who trusted another.

Much strength in your journey. I pray that you get there and experience what love "should" be.

I was really hit by what you wrote in the first post because it's something I could have written - until the part about what the relationship could have been.

I couldn't have written that because it is too hard to think about what was possible -- just too painful. Am I making up that we once were so close? That things felt so amazing at times and that we seemed so compatible? I guess so..

Although X has been living with one of his OW from 2008 for the past three months, I find myself really struggling the past two weeks, just out of the blue for exactly the reasons you mention.

I think there are two key things for me: one is why I pick people that so easily discard a relationship and a person they claimed to have loved so deeply. The other is why I ignore the signs that i am with such a person.

With my current X, I saw him push me too fast into intimacy, moved in before I wanted him to, used the L word WAYYY to early. Later, after he left me, and before he came back begging me to give him another chance, which I did, he moved in with a woman he'd barely met, spent a month with her before moving out of state, but kept in touch with her (while lying to us both), and then asked her and her son to move to a new state with him where he would know nobody.

Then, he suddenly ditched her, and came back to me. I accepted him, finally, but was horrified to see that he brushed her off with a curt email - telling her to never contact him. I made him write a kinder one, thanking her and apologizing for being messed up.

It troubled me deeply. He had told her he was in love with her, shared great intimacy in a short time, offered to begin a new life out of state together. Then - woosh. Gone. "Don't ever contact me again."

He said he woke up and saw her without makeup. And she was too ugly. But, I accepted that, turned away, pretended it was not important, and took him back. And of course, ultimately, he did the same to me in ways big and small by lying and cheating.

(And now, he's been living with her again since the day he moved out of here three months ago. Ping Pong anyone?)

My point is - why did I look away? Why did I refuse to see the clear patterns in his behavior? And why do I feel such devastation now. He tells me now that they have deeply intimate sex, that I was the worst girlfriend ever and... "Don't ever contact me again." The years we spent together, the intense tough and beautiful times, they are all trash, or not important.

And why would someone like me not just shake her head in disgust and move on? Why so hard to let go, to process through?

Oh, dear, I'm just rambling and asking questions. Meant to just say - I hear you!

lost_in_space

Hi TimMe.

I too believe that cheating is cheating regardless of a marriage certificate or not.

And like Sad In AZ says, I sometimes don't feel like I have the insight to help someone posting or am overwhelmed by the pain because it's too close to home to respond.

Thanks LIS....I understand and feel the same way at times.

Your feelings and pain ARE important. I wish I had some wise words of you right now but I am having so much trouble with my own sitch that it makes me question my ability to help others.

I hope that your situation improves- even if it's baby steps. When I do try to help others (unfortunately, I've had years of doing such after XWW left with AP), it's helped me to - even if it's brief in duration - to get outside of my pain. I totally understand that it takes a good amount of energy to do that.

(((TimMe)))

Thanks again LIS and I hope you find some peace......you deserve it!

inconnu

I'm sorry you feel that way about SI. Personally I don't see any snobbery but I do think since SI is such a large community, people do sometimes get lost in the crowd unintentionally.

Yes, Inconnu - I've realized that after the particularly rough night.

DS posted some stats the other days. SI moves fast, really fast.

I happened to see those stats...amazing.

If you don't get the responses you need, bump your threads back up. Coming back to threads you start and replying to the people that respond to you helps a lot too. It lets us know if we're heading in the right direction offering support, or not.

Thank you Inconnu- I'm trying to do that with this thread. I appreciate your reply very much.

dreamlife

(((((huge hugs)))))

Thank you dreamlife.....much needed.

miller701

When I first read your post I thought, "Here's somebody with like 5 posts and nothing in the profile" and I have to apologize man, was I wrong.

No apology necessary miller....thank you.

I feel like SI has been a big help the past few weeks, but I also feel it can only do so much. I feel lacking that there isn't somebody I can meet in person and talk for a while.

Definitely.....much of my family is the type that says:

"Just get over it". I "thought" I had a trusted partner when we talked about shared pain from our X's A.There's no question that the best solace is from someone who has been through it before. Many are ill- equipped (due to ignorance) or just don't know what to say.That's why this board is so important to many.

Here I am again.

My IC is great but I only see her every other week.

Same here miller- I'm trying to get it changed to weekly sessions.

Is there somebody in real life that you can talk with, maybe it's what you need too.

Not really - for the above reasons. I'm trying to enlist any possible resources.

I appreciate your support. Thank you.

shatteredwindow

I have been cheated on as a BF and as a H...both hurt like hell...Sorry for your pain...SI is a good place, everyone is willing to help...The WSs have helped me as much as the BSs...

Sorry for your pain as well sw...did you think it would have happened this most recent time? I mean none of us expect it to happen at all, but when it's twice the wounds are reopened. I'm sure you KWIM.

Thanks for your support and I wish that you "finally" find someone who deserves you.