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The last time I KNOW of that WH broke NC, was around Vday last year.

I told his sister about it when I called to tell her that the marriage was over and I was asking him to leave. (I had talked to her alot at first DDay cuz we had all gone out the night he told me,and she knew it then from the way i was acting-falling apart,rather)

I was just letting her know cuz i figured he'd go there. Anyway, she says,"You are gonna throw your marriage away just cuz he TALKED to her?" That BLEW me away!!!

I replied that NO- HE was throwing it away cuz he couldn't KEEP himself from talking to her and then I said,"SO I am supposed to feel guilty that I won't let my husband talk to his girlfriend???!!!"

& she says, "well, if they are just saying hi, how are you & it's not really personal or anything."

Of course, she is HIS sister, not mine.

But of course, my kids got upset and so I let him stay, but I can pinpoint that as the exact moment I KNEW he didn't have any love respect or concern for me at all. & I refer to it as the KILL SHOT to our marriage.

We both still live in this house with the kids and we got through the motions of M, but I'm not sure it can be revivived...I guess time will tell.

he is doing better but don't know if it is sincere, of course, after so many false R, TT, & Ddays.

I just wish WH had YOUR perspective Floridaman. Wonderful post.

[This message edited by mtkat at 6:59 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

oh, and he kept yelling, "I didn't do anything wrong!" and told me I was just a "drama queen"

He couldn't see why NC means NC and WHY it would hurt me so badly. Didn't see it as having done ANYTHING wrong- just me blowing it out of proportion.

Thank you Floridaman, for validating me.

I found out this past weekend, our 15th anniversary, that there has never been NC. She still calls, regularly, and he still answers 'sometimes', because "sometimes she has something interesting to say".

Continued contact in any form = scab ripped off and alcohol poured into raw gaping wound.

I'm so proud, and envious, of all the WS who go NC, maintain NC and are working hard to make things right. I just wish my WH was in your ranks.

mtkat - I am also the 'drama queen'...

[This message edited by PiQue at 8:19 AM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

After many broken NC's, WH might have finally gone NC for good but I'm not putting a FINAL stamp on that. I'll say for right now, there's no contact between the two. I think he's mad at her because she wouldnt let him move in with her when I put him out. Now after he gets over that, he might start calling her again but who knows? Maybe by throwing him out for a few weeks changed his outlook on things.

WH lost his father last week and we traveled as a family for the funeral. All his brothers and sisters were there with their families and it was a really touching reunion. He's been very tender towards me since. Maybe he saw what was really important and what wasnt important. Who knows. I guess only time will tell.

I hope there isnt another broken NC because it was hard on the kids to see their father pack and leave and they were so happy and clingy to him when he came back and a little distant with me because of course they blame me for his leaving.

The kids are back on track now. I'm the only one who isnt happy. Maybe one day, I'll be able to be happy and not have to make anymore sacrifices to kids and family.

We'll see...

I just wish WH had YOUR perspective Floridaman

mtkat,

I am glad that I was helpful in some way to you.

My perspective did not come overnight. It took a lot of introspection.

Your WH sounds too wrapped up in himself and wants to cake eat.

It is true, people will treat you the way you allow them to.

Men need guidelines, we need to know your boundaries. What you will accept and what you will not accept...and mean it.

Your WH will only come to realize he can't cross the boundary of talking to the OW when he is truly remorseful for what he has done.

He is not sorry..nor remorseful. He has to RESPECT you as his wife,best friend and mother of his children

Don't run from him, confront him. Don't wait for him to be the one to leave you. Set your boundaries. Just because you don't ask doesn't mean the problem is not there.

You spoke about a kill shot to the marriage. If this is so..then you have turn down the road of divorce. You have every right to a divorce if you want that. He betrayed you, he should be doing everything short of taking his own life to get you back.

I am sorry that you have to go through this. I wish you nothing but the best in the future.

Whether it be with your husband or not.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 12:39 PM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

bump*

There is no question that you cannot remain friends after then end of an affair, especially if you are a woman. Women attach too much emotion to the men they sleep with on a regular basis. Any contact following the exposure of the affair is just keeping a flame lit somewhere inside both the WS and OM/OW...

Trust me, I tried very hard to put the jeanie back in the bottle for three months and there was no way it was going to work. The OM had developed such an obsession with me that he wouldn't stop making emotional pleas and sexual advances. Not to mention blackmailing me for the affair which I tried very hard to rationalize and hide from everyone.

It has to be NC or no reconciliation....

NC is NC, you can not have your cake and eat it to.

Reality is and has always been right in front of you.

No you can not be friends, NC is NC.

I just updated myself on this thread and one thing kinda jumped out at me:

"I didn't do anything wrong!"

These are the exact words the OM said to my H when he was confronted. And even though I was still a bit deep in the fog (but it was starting to dissipate) I was like "You didn't do anything WRONG???"

(I put all this out in a vent here awhile back. If anyone's interested in reading it I'll hunt up the link for you.)

Floridaredman and others,

As a fog headed WS NC has been a massive challenge...and now,I finally realize why. My OM has never wanted to be friends nor have I. But I will bet many of us have entertained the thought of "someday" maybe we can talk again.

Um...nope. Affairs are too massive and destructive.

Someone should be out teaching classes about this! Let's take the secrecy out of it. It causes a trail of tears. SI has made me take a good hard look at what BS go through (besides my own H)...talk about an eye opener.

I could read this all day long and never get tired. My WH thought I was trying to control who he could be friends with and he still doesn't get it cuz they still talk.

I could read this all day long and never get tired. My WH thought I was trying to control who he could be friends with and he still doesn't get it cuz they still talk.

"I didn't do anything wrong!"

Also the line my WW's om used when the A was outted.

Clarissa,

I would like to read that link.

MP

bumped by request

Mrs Panda, sorry it took me so long to catch up with this thread. Unfortunately, I think the link to my vent has gone bye for good. I did manage to Google it but the link won't work. I'd kinda like having it back myself and the only way I can think of that might work is to ask MH (very nicely) if he can find it for us. I think it's worth a shot and we all know how awesome MH is with this site.

(No, that was NOT a suck up. )

BS here.

Has anyone been in this situation? Can people have an A first, quit having sex, then become really good friends?

My WH had sex with OW the second time he met her. The next day OW told him she didn't want another lover, so then they became very good friends, hanging out together all summer (I was away at college)

WH had told me in MC that he didn't see a problem with being friends with her since they weren't sleeping together. That the sex really wasn't a big deal. (other than the fact he was cheating on me!!)

He does not have contact (I think) with her now, but it still bothers me how he refers to her as a "good friend."

Thank you again, frm, for bumping your wonderful thread.

BS answering here...

it truly does not matter if your WH does not think it is a *big deal* or considers his AP, no matter how brief their encounter, his *good friend*.

Friends do not ask us to compromise our integrity, values or commitments.

They do not condone behavior that will be cruel or harm someone else, especially those entrusted to us to love, protect, honor, or cherish.

His AP (former, current, future) is NO friend. Nor is he a friend to her, no matter how he spins it.

IF she was, indeed, a friend, she would remove herself permanently from both of your lives, demonstrating with her ACTIONS that she respects you his W and your M and your efforts to R.

You mourn the loss of a "feeling" not a person. The OM just happens to be attached to that "feeling".

And this is the painful irony. The WS may be mourning the loss of something that might not be lost at all, at least not yet. They're just looking for that feeling in the wrong place.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I know as a BS contemplating reconciliation with my WW, one of my key decision points will be if she can get some of those same feelings from me from time to time. I can't think of too many things that would make me happier right now, if it's sincere, of course.

But I guess the real bottom line is: the void she is feeling right now can't be filled by anyone on the outside, at least not in a healthy way. It needs to be filled with self-respect.

bump