SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree floridaredman, puts certain things into perspective for me too. There are several very helpful people here.

Thanks!

IMO when it comes to us waywards, HUFI and frm are the big brains. I've read many of their posts and most if not all the time come away with something to think about. Many times I've thought that they put it better than I could ever hope to.

Oh and a bit of an update on me. If you've read the entire thread, the WMD is unloaded, dismantled and is now beginning to rust.

Oh and a bit of an update on me. If you've read the entire thread, the WMD is unloaded, dismantled and is now beginning to rust.

bumping for a newbie

It was time to bump this back to the front where it might be read again and the wisdom in it shared once more. BUMP!

bump

I would like to bump this for any newbies to the WS forum. This is such a great resource that ALL newbies need to read!

bUMP.

Bump

[This message edited by hallelujah at 12:39 PM, July 13th (Wednesday)]

hallelujah

It is not that different at all. If you shared feelings with this person..it is very easy to rekindle those feelings with any form of contact. You had an EA with this man. It is not wise for you or your husband to assume you can go back to how things were.

You cannot ever go back to how things were..because you have crossed a line that will remain part of your lives forever.

I would recommend that you and your husband stay away from this OM. It will do nothing but cause trouble for your future.

You can say that it won't happen again in your mind..but given the true scenario..how do you really think it will turn out.

Cordial and casual has been tossed out the window and intimate has taken their place.

It would not be wise to bring that kind of third wheel intimacy back into your relationship

BS here.

I really cannot emphasize this point enough.

WH and I recently ceased our reconciliation efforts after 1 1/2 years of trying.

The title of this thread grabbed my attention as I just texted my stbx this morning that it was this issue above all others that destined our R efforts to fail.

I would say that the #1 reason why we were unable to progress in our efforts was due to the fact that my stbx did not seem to get the whole NC concept.

While he seemed to get that he had to have no direct contact with OW to stay with me, he did not seem to grasp that he cannot be friends with her. So, it was something that he was doing for me, but did not independently understand. This really boggled my mind. It also was a source of serious concern for me as my stbx never really seemed to be able to do something for me if he didn't otherwise agree with it.

This, combined with his seeming inabilty to avoid gatherings where OW was likely to be present, was the last nail inthe coffin.

From a BS standpoint, the AP is public enemy #1 to the marriage. A failure on the WS part to "get that" in my opinion will undermine all R efforts.

Bump

Im a BS, hope its ok for me to post here.

My WS's OW was his ex who he had his first child with and it wasnt like they had a "last time for old times sake" type fling or a few months of sleeping together. His affair was over a year while i was pregnant with our child and then after the birth, it was physical as well as emotional. In his own words he was in love with both of us and couldnt bare to let go of either of us. We had no issues as a couple, the affair simply started because he hadnt let her go before he got involved with me and when the chance to carry on with her too cropped up he grabbed it with both hands.

Were fine now mostly, its been over a year since 2nd R date and things are fantastic apart from her. Obviously she cant be cut out of our lives because of stepson but my partner still thinks its ok to have her on facebook and to text her back whenever she texts asking how he is or hows his day. She constantly "likes" everything he puts on faceook and comments on every status which he gladly replys to.

I have told him time and time again how much i hate the relationship they have now, it cuts me so so deeply to know that after everything he put me through for her he still wants to be friends with her. He trys to use the "i do it for my son" excuse, hes only friends with her on fb for pics of their son according to him ut i have a son with someone else and i dont have my ex on fb or text him everyday. We can be civil but not overly friendly.

I feel now like this is the only thing holding him back from being a Fws, he kinda has a like it or lump it attitude on the issue and tbh i dont want to throw all this away just over that but every time his phone goes of or he gets a fb message my blood runs cold.

Noone should ever put their BS through this after already hurting them. No matter what the relationship WAS with the OP before the affair, you took away your own right to continue that by taking it too far and having an affair. Even trying to be nice to the OP is a huge slap to the face of any BS and prob also a small red flag showing your not willing to fully let them go - trust me, i know.

BS here, and no stop sign. I just wanted to say I really like your headline. It is straight to the point. Love it!

I know this post is geared heavily towards disrespect to the BS and R but there are WS who get it and who didn't want to R or R didn't work out, yet still recognize their AP was not a friend or couldn't be a friend. IMO, an AP is a friend to a WS like a drug dealer is to a junkie. They both aid a person to morally self destruct and supply tools to help facilitate it under the guise of being a friend or confidant. What they are to a BS and a M is pretty obvious.

an AP is a friend to a WS like a drug dealer is to a junkie. They both aid a person to morally self destruct and supply tools to help facilitate it under the guise of being a friend or confidant.

This is spot-on.

Took me a while to admit this was the case with my AP, but once I got it, I got it. There's no friendliness in an affair, anyway...it's all destruction.

Thanks for the reminder, as a newbie. GREAT thread.

This one is spot on for me right now. We aren't very far past D Day, and even though he promised NC I know from a keylogger on the home computer that he was still talking to her. The talks between WH and OW have drastically dwindled down to a few minutes and most about work stuff (they are co-workers). A few days ago I told him I was afraid that since he still sees her at work that they would start talking again. He never assured me that he wasnt, or that he wouldnt in the future. They think they can be friends. Thank you so much for your post Floridaredman on the first page. Maybe those words will help him see that it doesnt matter what they talk about, it matters that they talk.

In my house, that sentiment went a step further.

As a consequence of her affair, ALL male friends, whether they were AP related or not, went by the wayside, period. No debating. End of discussion. If she didn't like it, well, that was just too bad.

Maybe a bit draconian for some, but for me it worked out very well. That was one facet of recon that simply wasn't up for debate...(and still isn't).

Clint, it is the same for us.

The only female friends of fWH's are couple friends who are friends of the marriage.

There is only one friend of fWH's that I don't exactly consider a friend of the marriage, since he is a single guy who could take me or leave me anyday... but he is harmless for the most part.. I'm just not a big fan of him.