I'm not talking about situations where the A has already ended, the FWS wants to R and is making an honest effort to correct the wrongs he has inflicted on his BS. The core of my argument is that it is imho wrong to egg on the BS whose WS is still in the process of pursuing the OP, to take active steps to win the WS back.
Ah, then actually i agree in large part with what you are saying.
Personally I wouldnt call people that do do this pathetic, because when we hear the word pathetic the most common definition we associate with it is 'contemptibly inadequate' and less the alternative definition of 'deserving of pity'.
IMHO it IS a bad choice to chase after a WS that is still in an A, to try and compete with their AP, to become a doormat and allow them to continue their behaviour. I hope that i would allways encourage as best i could BS's that are in this position to stop, look at what they need, to concentrate on themselves, to set strong personal boundaries, and to follow through on them.
I would aslo counsel against becomiing entangled with the OP in some attempt to make their life miserable, I personally chose not to expose my FWW's A's to everyone, But we did expose it to some. My decision was bassed on the reason you gave, I didnt want people who havent BTDT giving me advice, making comments, or thinking that i am pathetic in some way... It is sad that people do this, and i know it shouldnt affect me, but although i do have hard skin, its not that hard.
suddenly people have decided that I said that everyone who chooses to R is pathetic. I NEVER said that. I've had that problem with assorted other threads on this board - I express an opinion about one specific aspect of something and it gets twisted into my being 100% for or against the whole thing.
Its an unfortunate fact of human nature that when we feel personally attacked, we either become defensive, or attack back, either way often the details, or the contingencies in the original message are overlooked.
I am sorry if I miss-understood what you were saying, I allways try to understand what someone is saying, i also try to read between the lines and identify the underlying belief that is central to the message. I definately did not believe that you felt that everyone who attempts R is pathetic, but i did think you felt that those that chassed after their WS even after the A's had ended were... I see by your calrification that that is not the case, and other than the use of the term pathetic i think we are actually mostly in agreement about what actions the BS should take.
I said before i dont like the term fighting for the M... I prefered championing for yourself... making yourself stronger, if eventually the WS wants to recommit to the M and the BS is willing to offer R, then a stronger more selfassured BS can only be good for the M, (a healthy M that is) that is whay i believe standing up for yourself, reataining your self dignity, can in a circumspect way be considered fighting for the M.
your use of the word sugar has helped me come up with a metaphor for th preference thing... That id like to share, perhapes give people a chance to pick holes on my metaphor 
Id liken it to candy... now me, I prefer gumdrops, most of the time I choose to eat them. However ocasionally ill try out some toffee's, or some licorice, maybe even some hard boiled candy. But even if ive got a bag of licorice in my hand, if you ask me what type of candy i prefer id say gumdrops.... 'but your eating licorice' you say... to which i respond 'I was bored of gumdrops and just fancied a change'. Yes in that particular instance in time i didnt want gumdrops, i wanted something different and it was mostly just chance that i grabbed licorice, it could have just as easy been toffee or hard boiled sweets.
My mom, (now she had a real sweet tooth), Most of the time she liked peppermints, but she would get phases where she would stop eating them and just eat chocolates, or gumdrops, or toffee... she allways went back to peppermints when she got bored with her latest thing, but if you asked her what she prefered, she would answer with whatever she was currently into. Mostly the answer would be peppermints but sometime chocolates, or somthing else.
My grandfather, now he could never really sort himself out. he really only ever wanted to have licourice allsorts, or toffees, he didnt really eat any other sort of candy at all. If you asked him what sort of candy he prefered, he would have said licourice allsorts and toffee's ...if pressed to make an actual choice, he couldnt, he liked them both, equally.
Then there is my sister, she only ever eats salt licorice, occasionally someone will try to convince her to try one of their candies, ocasionally she will give in and try it, spit it out and say yuk... ask her what she prefers, and the answer is clear, salt licorice, even as she is putting the new sweet into her mouth she knows that she prefers salt licorice, she even knows that she probably wont like it and its a mistake to even try it... but ocasionally someone is convincing enough to make her try it.
I would liken me to the situation with me and my FWW, my Mom to where a WS, withdraws all sexual activity from their BS, and focuses on the AP, MY grandfather to those dealing with a LTA... and my sister to something like the situation that you described with your H.... there may be a fifth, where the WS leaves and starts a relationship with the AP... but ive already gone on for long enough about candy.... any more and ill need to head to the kiosk for some sugar therapy.
But that is how i define preference and how it relates to various different Infidelity scenarios, Perhapes we are arguing semantics on this, but i would think it is incredibly soul destroying to have to deal with believing that your WS really did prefer someone else, and those BS's in that situation have my deepest sympathy. And my absolute admiration if they are still able to offer the gift of R.
