SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

By the way, I thought you were NC w/ her, did something change?

She's been sending me emails, asking if I want to talk. I wait a day or two, then answer them if I feel like it. She really wants me to stay, for some crazy reason, and she wants to go out for dinner on our anniversary (sept 13). No thanks, confused lady.

The only *craziness* is your WW thinking she can treat you as a doormat and continue her cake-eating ways. I am pleased to read you have taken steps to remove yourself from the equation.

I have a problem with your NC stance.

I have advocated taking a firm stance on her options: She is free to do what she wants but you refuse to share her. If she decides to remain in infidelity then you do what you need so that YOU move out of infidelity. So it’s her call at the moment: remain in affair or commit to marriage.

OK – I have also understood you as wanting the marriage to work. Of the two options: divorce or reconciliation the later was the preferred choice. However you have realistically accepted that R isn’t possible while the affair is still active. Therefore you are moving out.

I have advocated limiting and controlling conversations with her. I have suggested letting her know that IF the affair is ongoing and if she isn’t willing to talk about how to move the marriage on then you don’t talk to her. To this end I suggest you use PROPER communications; not e-mails, texts, IM, carrier pigeons or whatever. You simply talk face-to-face or over the phone. You stay away from all issues except the KEY issue: until she tells you she is ending the affair there basically isn’t anything to discuss.

OK – here is my problem:

If you refuse to talk to her then how does she know where she stands right now?

Is she clear that those are her options?

Does she know that you won’t wait for her to be alone?

Does she know you have consulted a lawyer about divorce?

If she doesn’t know this then HOW can she react? At the moment she probably thinks she’s still in her affair land.

I can’t strongly enough encourage you to make sure she knows the situation. You can’t do that by ignoring her.

OK – next issue. Divorce and lawyer. Although there are all sorts of laws and rules regarding divorce then a couple can reach whatever agreement they willingly sign regarding divorce. No kids, living in in-laws basement, students… something tells me no assets and little if any money. This is probably a text-book do it yourself divorce. If you don’t want a divorce and prefer separation then by all means separate. But if you are hiding behind cost of divorce or complexity of divorce… then don’t. I don’t want to be harsh but let’s just keep this real.

Final issue: I think her parents should know. After all – she is disposing of part of their extended family AND possibly bringing in a replacement. Don’t be mean or nasty. Simply tell them you are moving out because their daughter is having an affair with [place name of OM here]. Tell them that you would most of all want to save the marriage but you can’t while the affair is ongoing. Tell them that leaving is your only option at the moment. Tell them that you would be very grateful if they could have positive impact on her.

Will exposure make R harder? It’s a moot issue. While the affair is ongoing R isn’t a possibility. Making R harder at least means it’s possible – only harder. Exposure might make R possible.

If she is having an exit affair, me filing is what she would want, isn't it?

I understand you not wanting to give her what she wants. But isn't it more important to give yourself what YOU want? It sounds like your WW loves playing manipulative games, and you are trying to outgame her. Why fight her kind of war? The reason you want to R is because you believe that following rules and keeping promises is a better way to live, right?

And anyway, there is a big difference between planning to exit a bar and getting thrown out into the street. You hold the cards here. You're not playing for points. Stay focused.

Well today is the day she's flying back, right? So she "hinted" she might be around tomorrow? And "wants to go to dinner" on Monday? What can she possibly want to do that for other than to compound your pain by making herself feel that she is showing you mercy by explaining away her actions? What can she possibly want to talk to you about on your anniversary? "I'm sorry, but...."

And WTF is "She'll leave you if you don't disclose...?" This is transference pure and simple. She's already left you.

Friend, she is looking for a way to control her exit, no matter what she tells you. If she is already sharing your most personal messages with OM, what more do you need to know other than this is an exit A. No way can she be telling you she loves you and that you are soulmates while still having an A with her prof. Stay on the 180. Do not engage and let her take control. You can't share her, so take care of YOU.

Well, it's my final night here, and two days before what would have been our 7th wedding anniversary. The day has been rough as hell. I just told my MIA I will be leaving tomorrow. I simply told her WW has made it clear that I am not what she wants, that she does not want to seek counselling, so I am leaving to look after myself. As I suspected, there has been a great deal of rumours spreading around from OMW, who actually contatced various relatives in an attempt to find me or WW's Mom. I decided to tell my sweet MIA to defer all questions to her daughter. I don't care what story WW spins in my absence.

I know this is more of a rant than anything, but I just needed to decompress a little. At least as rough as tonight will be, it will be easier that the first few nights after d-day, when I was too paralyzed to take any action. Thanks again to everyone who has given advice here. I'll keep in touch.

Good luck wounded--hang in there. It will get better.

thanks sherman :)

Here's a great one...she sent me a message saying I should stay for a bit to ease the tension on our pets!

I would read and re-read Bigger's comments. I agree with him 100%! He is absolutey correct in his guidance to you and assessment of the situation. In my situation, I did exactly what he is suggesting to you. If you detach, it will just make since in time. It is about getting stronger and more confident. I wasn't doing it to play a game or win WH back by that point. He had already filed for a D and was living with OW. I thought it was over, but he still didn't want to let go of me. Nope, he couldn't have it both ways. And how he felt about that didn't have any value to me. It was my life and I wouldn't allow him to make the rules.

I encourage you to stop allowing her to pull you into conversations and confusing you. "We want what we can't have and despise what comes to easily for us". It is human nature. The thing is when we pull away and start taking care of ourselves, our confidence takes a leap. Sometimes, that makes us look more attractive, if not it helps our own mental health.

Well, the car is packed. I'm off. And I am not going to initiate any more contact. I have a rough idea of her work/school schedule, so I can get the rest of my things over the next few weeks when she is not here.

It's both sad and exciting!

So I'm guessing that she has been with the prof for the last 2 days and simultaneously sending you emails urging you to stay. Sorry for that. It's got to be crazy making. Does she know that you are aware she came back on the 10th? I'm betting not.

Don't count on just showing up at the door to pick up your stuff, the locks will be changed. Count on it.

Good luck on your new path.

I honestly think you are doing the right thing. You are not calling it quits, SHE IS if this doesn't wake her up. Sometimes things look different to the WS when the BS starts acting different than the norm and reclaiming their self-respect. If they are too blind and selfish, you will be able to get stronger and better able to make decisions that are right for you. My prayers are with you. Keep posting.

So I'm guessing that she has been with the prof for the last 2 days and simultaneously sending you emails urging you to stay. Sorry for that. It's got to be crazy making.

Yes, it has been crazy.

Does she know that you are aware she came back on the 10th? I'm betting not.

Actually, I did tell her I know. Her explanation was that plans changed, and her work got extended. Of course, she was not willing to send me a copy of her itinerary. So I told her have a nice trip, and sent an open letter to WW, OM and OMW, telling them all that I was leaving, and I hoped she and him enjoy fornicating in the suite I have essentially built.

Don't count on just showing up at the door to pick up your stuff, the locks will be changed. Count on it.

Perhaps. But then, my in-laws are my landlords. They know what the story is...enough comments have been dropped. And they told me to keep my keys. We'll see though...

You are not calling it quits, SHE IS if this doesn't wake her up.

Thank-you for that. It helps.

Speculation here.

It is possible that after this weekend OM will try to R with OM's BW and she'll try to come back to you. It is also possible they'll stay in R for a couple of months and go back at it underground. So be careful.

Also, she may think that with the shit hitting the fan she and OM just decided to spend the last two days 'making the most of it' before trying to R.

Anyway, be careful of false R. In case you guys try to R you need full and complete access to all forms of communication, her whereabouts. She also has to quit whatever she is doing that keeps in contact with OM.

Good luck, whatever happens.

Well, I've been at my new place two days. I'm a little depressed right now, although I was feeling good about it earlier.

I don't think I have to worry about a false R...I went back to my old place on the 13th, to grab some stuff, and walked in on her and the OM. Fully clothed at least, but that was a nice shock on what was our 7th anniversary. She said she needed comfort since she didn't know where I was and hadn't answered my phone. BS story, since she did leave a message on my cell saying she was home and not to worry about her, but said nothing about worrying about me.

I am very proud of myself. I have a temper and martial arts training, and I did not assault him. Simply told him to get out for 5 minutes so I could talk to my wife. He wasn't going to, but then I told him he WAS going through the door, and it was up to him if it was under his own volition or not. WW suggested he go out on his own. The POS would not even look me in the eye. Coward.

I talked to my WW for a few minutes and then left. Oddly enough, he did agree to the rent subsidy

I wish I could hate her. I still can't, but it would make this so much easier.

File, don't let them make you the third wheel. They deserve each other. Your still young, this is not a marriage. You need to disclose this to the highest level of the University. What if my daughter chooses to go there? The last thing I need is some scumbag like him teaching my daughter.

The university has no policy against their relationship. She was sitting in on his classes, but not taking them for credit. As far as the university admin is concerned, this is a private matter.

Nothing stopping you from posting flyers and on the Internet that this prof has no problem dating students that attend his classes. And that the university turns a blind eye.

And if they get uppity about defamation/libel, well, truth is an affirmative defense.

As far as the university admin is concerned, this is a private matter.

Then make it public. Talk to a lawyer.

The university has no policy against their relationship. She was sitting in on his classes, but not taking them for credit.

Why do I have this sudden vision of Wounded "auditing" every single one of POSOM's classes from here on out? I see him sitting there, not speaking, staring dead ahead with a steely gaze...

Oh, and in his right hand, he's holding a large claw hammer. He's not doing anything with it, mind: just holding it.