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Does she know you are moving out? Have you two formally decided to separate? Does she know she’s coming home to an empty nest?

Does she know you are moving out? Does she know she’s coming home to an empty nest?

She may suspect it, but no. She's been adamant that she wants to see me when she gets home, and has been talking about how to make it work when she is here. I have mentioned needing to leave several times, but I've been doing the 180 hardcore since I decided to move, so she does not know I have made up my mind to leave.

Have you two formally decided to separate?

I have decided to seperate. In BC, there is no such thing as an informal vs. legal seperation: by not living together, we are seperated.The law is clear and simple on this point.

So a week today, I move out, and we will be seperated.

I wasn’t thinking about the law. I was more thinking that you two have decided to separate – had the conversation and all.

I would seriously contemplate sending her an email telling her that you won’t be there when she comes home. I think that will do more to shock her into thinking changes.

I'm a little torn by that. As it stands now, I'd rather let her come home and have her parents (we live in their basmt suite) say "Your husband told us last night you are seperating and he has moved out. He said that you both need time apart! WTF?", and then have her come home to a suite with my few possessions gone. I don't think anything really beats the shock value of that.

I mean, her seeing me sob uncontrolalbly hours after D-day and have a rather humiliating break down a few days later has done nothing. Why would one more email make a difference?

I'd be happy to hear other people's thoughts on this.

[This message edited by wounded_husband at 4:38 PM, September 5th (Sunday)]

She will be with her boyfriend in 5 days even though she tells you the 12th. Just get your stuff out, most likely her family will see you leaving and will warn her anyway. Do not talk to her, let her come to you. You don't need this crap in your life, work on yourself. Protect your banking, see a lawyer and give him your evidence, start the paperwork. Change your appearence, get some new cloths, look happy and different. Do not play her infidelity game, out the POS to the highest level at the university, fu*k them. Let her prove to you she is worth keeping, you can always stop the D process anytime up to the final decree. You deserve better than a life with a cheater.

+1 what aliveagain said

I agree as well. She is going to have to have a serious epiphany if you two are going to have any hope of reconciling. To be honest, it sounds like she is not going to have that awakening.

Look at the worst case scenario. Accept that it will play out that way (whether it does or not) and begin getting on with life.

I know how trite what I'm saying sounds to you right now. Sorry about that, but I can't put it any better.

Be strong, man.

2%er

I agree, it's over unless something unforseen happens. She won't end up with either of us in the end, but she doesn't see that, either.

Well, just a few more days until I leave. I'll be telling her parents we're S the night before I go. It seems the family already knows she's been messing around with a guy...people are talking.

The morning I leave, I was planning on changing my facebook status to "seperated" and then simply posting the names of both our AP's. Is that too juvenile? I don't really trust my perspective right now.

Trust me, don't put anything on facebook. That stuff ends up in court, my WW's stuff is evidence. Something innocent can be huge later. Stay silent, don't tell her squat. Let her find out what has happened. She may not react the way you want so be prepared for that. Just get out and go NC.

I agree. Just go dark. Completely dark.

It will make her nuts.

Forget FB for awhile. Just disappear.

Just go dark. Completely dark.

Faithfool: I like the wording, thanks!

I've been thinking...if WW is having an exit affair, isn't my S playing into her plans?

Don't get me wrong, I am still planning to move out...but should I let her file for D? If she is having an exit affair, me filing is what she would want, isn't it? She never said she wanted out prior to me finding out...

Yes. Go dark.

What this will do is make her engage herself in an inner dialogue she doesn't want to have. She will begin imagining all sorts of things and it will lead to serious cognitive dissonance for her. Keep her guessing. Her attempts to engage you in chat are simply ploys to ensure that she has you in a place that she is comfortable with. Not knowing what is going on with you will undoubtedly get her thinking.

If this is an exit affair, then show her the exit. Take the high road and don't stoop to any tit for tat type behaviour.

Above all, remember to think of what you deserve and what you can live with in terms of your relationship with her.

Never make anyone a priority if all you are to them is an option.

my 2 cents: Don't tell her parents that you "need time apart"; tell them that although you love their DD, losing her is better than sharing her. It's the truth, after all. If/when she hits bottom, she'll likely turn to someone for a reality check, so you may as well arm her parents with the info they need to give her good advice. It will also constrain her ability to spin a yarn blaming everything on you in your absence.

re: FB posts... Don't do it. Walk softly, carry a big stick, etc. Pettiness won't help you at all, and you won't need it with all the other substantive moves you're making. They'll speak for you eloquently enough.

As for D, my inclination is that you should file rather than wait for her to do it. Why not present a consistently strong front, since you're already moving out and "going dark"? Hell, I'd leave her with an apt that's completely empty except for the official blue envelope on the table, if possible. Part of the magic of the 180 is that when you call their bluff and unhesitatingly give WS the freedom they claim to want, very often they find out they didn't want it after all--they were just enjoying having all the power and control and playing out their fantasy life. So I wouldn't worry about precipitating anything on her part (except maybe total panic); you won't turn it into an "exit affair" merely by standing up for yourself.

In Canada you can D without the year of S if you file based on adultery, right? Filing that way is a powerful statement, then, because it tells her you are ready to act NOW; that she doesn't have a whole year to hang around OM, wait for him to leave his W, and "figure things out" while stringing you along.

Also if AP (asshole professor) is named explicitly, doesn't that create a public record? I'd think the exposure would put useful pressure on both AP and the university...

Don't put anything on FB and if you must tell her parents word everything carefully, and as "neutrally" as you can. My choice would be to tell them nothing, actually because you have no idea how this will end - what seems "safe" to express today, may end up being your downfall in court a few months down the road.

As usual, more great advice. Thanks all.

So I wouldn't worry about precipitating anything on her part (except maybe total panic); you won't turn it into an "exit affair" merely by standing up for yourself.

Silencio: I think WW is having an exit affair (not that she's wanted to hear it). That's what I'm stuck on right now. My filing for D may be what she wants, since she still says she does not want to do so right away (she is a procrastinator by nature) and is good at manipulating people into doing what she actually wants but does not want to take action on herself.

Wounded,

If you don’t want to divorce then don’t file.

I have this theory that we know when it reaches the stage divorce is the only option. We get a feeling of acceptance, inevitability and relief. It’s not necessarily a good feeling but we realize it’s better than what we had.

If you don’t have those feelings then don’t file.

I suggested a letter. If and when you send it don’t mention divorce. Just tell her that you wish for NC in order to keep your emotions for her positive rather than negative. If nothing happens relationship-wise between you two after a period of time AND you then want to file then simply do so. If however she wants to file she can do so without contacting you.

When it comes down to it, you must do what you can live with. Never file until you are ready to force her hand as she might choose D.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 1:04 PM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

Oh I think you can file and force her hand. If she does want D, give it to her. If she wants that, and this is an exit affair, that is going to happen anyway. This is going to bitch slap her into the reality of her actions having consequences, if they are D, then D it is. I say file and S and let her have what she thinks she wants. I don't give two shits about your WW, at this point you gotta do what you gotta do for you. Get control and power back. As soon as she see's she got what she wants it may take a few or six months, but she will see just what she really got. Many times people don't really want what they think they want. There are no shortcuts with this, they have to go through the whole process. At that point she will either want back in or want out. IMO she will want back in, this prof is a predator and he's is just banging this years offerings. He isn't leaving his wife. I may well be wrong and you must prepare for that. Another thing is that you will be away from her and will start healing. After a while you may say WTF do I want her back for, even if she is begging. All of this will work out over the dreaded word "time". Get the fuck out, go quiet, and take care of yourself. I have gone through the exact same thing and after 4 1/2 months of S I am getting "I'm so sorry's" and looks as if the groveling is on the way too. Would not have guessed it at all a week ago, she had been written off as a goner in my mind. Now do I want the broken POS back? Hmmm. "Time" will tell.

Bigger: Yes, I will be leaving a letter behind that is along the lines of what you suggested.

I've spoken to a lawyer, and have decided just to let it stand at S for now. I liked what you had to say about time, impastit, thank-you.

I'm going to tell her parents nothing more than we need time apart. Her brother already knows the generals of what is going on (no, I did not tell him, nor did he broach the subject with me. Family grapevine, plus her carelessness), and he will not let her spin a yarn.

Oh, and she wanted to talk tonight. I said sure, but only briefly, as I had plans to go out. This was around 9 pm. She asked what I was doing and who I was seeing. I told her I was going out to do stuff with nobody she would know. She was actually jealous that I might be going out and getting on with my life! Then she told me she would not see me again if I did not tell her who I was seeing. Naturally, I told her I had to go, said "goodnight, sleep well" and logged off.

I know it is petty, but it made me feel good, like I had some power back. Now if only I can get out of here before she comes back...she hinted she might be home Saturday night, which means I will still be here...guess I might have to sleep in the car

[This message edited by wounded_husband at 12:23 AM, September 10th (Friday)]

Then she told me she would not see me again if I did not tell her who I was seeing.

lol, unbelievable.

By the way, I thought you were NC w/ her, did something change?