SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I mean it.

I have just ended a five-year relationship with one. He was cheating on a girlfriend when he asked me out (I did NOT know this at this time). He had cheated on his ex-wife. He cheated on a girlfriend he was exclusive with ... when he was trying to get me back after a breakup for CHEATING. And of course, there were multiple cheats with me.

I just don't understand these people. Constantly searching ... constantly hunting ... looking ... hoping to find .... WHAT?

I don't understand them. Why they put their lives on a disaster track?

Can anyone enlighten me ... or offer insight if they've dealt with this?

[This message edited by stopthemadness at 6:55 PM, September 2nd (Thursday)]

My ex was a serial cheater and liar. I don't have any words of wisdom. I can speculate about why but it just doesn't make any difference. He is what he is but he's not my problem anymore.

I'm sure this has been no help but I wanted you to know that someone was listening.

Hugs.

I can't say for sure but in my opinion you hit the nail on the head. They are constantly searching, looking for someone to fill that hole in them. They can't or won't look within themselves to find their own peace. I guess if a person doesn't want to own their issues, if they prefer to blame others it would make sense that they would then interpret that to mean, if they could just find the right person they would be happy.

The thing is, there will never be the right person, b/c it isn't about someone else, they will carry that emptiness around with them no matter whom they're with.

It could be insecurity, or depression, not feeling lovable. I don't know, but my guess is it won't change until they accept that whatever the issue is it can only be resolved by them, not by some new person. I do think even a serial cheater can change if they ever get to that point, then they can do the work to fix the issue themselves, they'll learn how to fill that hole the right way. We can't make anyone figure that out, unfortunately. Maybe after the 10th failed relationship, maybe they will start to figure it out, I don't know.

stm,

I think there's arguments to be made that they are.

If you read my profile, you'll see mine was one. My story doesn't include the fact that his behavior stretched all the way back to his first girlfriend.

One good analogy put forth by one of our MCs is that you can't fill a cup without a bottom. If someone feels very badly about themselves, and is driven to seek external validation, one fix isn't going to cure or satiate that need.

In addition, I think that the more cheating is done (without being caught), the more the compartmentalization strengthens, and the more the rationalizations gain ground, etc. As a whole, I think historically there's been a socialization element with males that semi, if not completely, condones cheating; it's seen as masculine, sowing wild oats, etc. etc. As far as I can recollect, I've never heard cutesy terms for females cheating....society comes down a bit harsher on that side of the gender coin.

Another issue that may play into serial cheating is underlying mental health issues. My FWH now has a diagnosis of BP-II, and gee, it fits. Putting one's life on a disaster track is not uncommon with BPD; there can be all sorts of ill-advised, risky behavior.

To further put the spin on the ball, in my FWH's case, his father was a serial cheater, who my FWH's mother divorced when she had 4 children under the age of 6. Ironically, my FWH was deeply disturbed/upset to learn (about 8 years ago) that he has a previously unknown half sibling....his same age.

Clearly, I believe people can and do change if they are internally motivated to do so and have enough fire behind that motivation to maintain it. My opinion is that long-term change for a serial cheater is unlikely to occur without professional guidance through some fairly substantial individual counseling, as well as any other ancillary care needed (such as psych meds).

Cheating, the conquests, are a drug 'fix'; like any drug fix, it doesn't last, and ergo must be repeated.

I had an ex who was a serial cheater and I truly believe he was a sociopath.

My currect ex, well not sure he's a serial cheater, but he certainly needed constant female attention.

He's also a recoverying addict and as some of you know, addicts are the emptiest people alive.

They have voids up the wazoooo.

Once they do their 12 steps and work on being spiritutal, they can recover.

MePe27 was right on the money. This is, of course, if the person doesn't have some underlyiing personality disorder.

STOPTHEMADNESS, did your ex tell you he cheated on all these other woman, or did you find out on your own?

Thanks for the responses. It is so appreciated .... as I feel so alone and bewildered at times.

Trying2getby ... he admitted to me when we first started dating that he had cheated on his wife at the end of the marriage. They were in counseling, 'trying' to work things out, and he got caught on a dating site. She divorced him at that point. My senses were heightened at that point, for sure.

From that point on, I found out everything on my own. His stories would change about what he had been doing that night ... I'd catch him in a flat-out lie ... his behavior was inconsisent, etc. He would of course say he was 'sorry' ... it was a mistake ... all of it. But he would proceed to do it again ... and worse, end up blaming me at some point when we'd talk about it.

It was very validating when he showed up at my place this past spring after a 7-month breakup for lying to me yet again. He had been sending me texts, emails, leaving voice mails constantly during this 7 months to get back together, none of which I responded to. He shows up ... we talk ... I decide to cautiously try again. He THEN tells me he's in an exclusive relationship with someone for the past seven months! OH MY GOD ... now, he's cheating on her!

I do believe he is a classic narcissist. It was almost always about him ... his needs, his wants, his moods, his opinion, etc. The man had very little empathy for anything. I'd made changes and adjustments to try to make him happy ... but it was never enough. He would just 'move the bar' ... and I was constantly chasing it. I was exhausted.

I just kept hoping we could get the 'trust' issues off the table. But he could NOT remain faithful ... in good times or in bad. It made me sick ... but I'm even sicker that I put up with it for so long.

I also believe the internet made it so damn easy for him to get his 'fix'. Find people ... meet up ... etc. I think he got addicted to it. He was VERY sneaky that way.

It just hurts ... cause I know he's hurting, scared and ultimately alone. He actually told me he has a pathological fear of being alone. I just don't understand this type of behavior.

[This message edited by stopthemadness at 8:27 AM, September 3rd (Friday)]

In most cases, serial cheaters have some serious problems that manifest themselves in their cheating. That's a fact of psychology. IC is an absolute must for any serial cheater.

I pick things up, I am a collector

And things, well things, they tend to accumulate

I have this net, it drags behind me

It picks up feelings for me to feed upon

-- NIN

It is some kind of sickness as far as I'm concerned.

I think about Tiger Woods who had everything on the outside.

I wish there was some way to brand them so that the innocent would not have to fall victim to them.

I don't understand them.

It is some kind of sickness as far as I'm concerned.

You don't understand because you are making a judgement about infidelity. You see it as a morality issue: good/bad or right/wrong. Some "cheaters" do not see infidelity this way. They do not share the same morality as you.

Suppose you were in a different culture and were one of many wives in a harem. You would not view your shared H as a cheater. You would just expect to be shared with the other wives.

Cheaters view multiple partners as enjoyable. It makes them happy. That happiness is more important to them then their spouse or SO. Many serial cheaters have little or no respect for the opposite sex; so hurting someone of the opposite sex is no big deal. If the relationship turns bad, then they just move on.

Personally, I believe causing pain to others is a sad way to lead your life. If you're hooked up with a serial cheater and want to R, you really need to understand what motivates them, from their point of view. In my opinion, it would be very difficult for a serial cheater to change. Especially if they do not respect you.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 2:30 PM, September 3rd (Friday)]

I had an ex who was a serial cheater and I truly believe he was a sociopath.

Yep. me, too. And yes, they are different beasts. Trying to understand them is an exercise in frustration.

They are sick in the head and don't apply the same logic as you and I.

Harden, I respectfully disagree with this -

You don't understand because you are making a judgement about infidelity. You see it as a morality issue: good/bad or right/wrong. Some "cheaters" do not see infidelity this way. They do not share the same morality as you.

Infidelity is synonymous with cheating, because you are CHEATING. This is not a morality issue. Two people entered into a contract to agree to commit themselves to each other. Harems and polygomists do NOT enter into these same contracts. Cheaters break their contract, which is an unfair and cowardly thing to do - taking advantage of the contract and lying to their partner.

If two people have an 'open relationship' that they agree to, that's not cheating. It's infidelity or cheating, when one person knowingly changes the terms of the relationship without telling the other person.

This is NOT a morality issue.

"One good analogy put forth by one of our MCs is that you can't fill a cup without a bottom. If someone feels very badly about themselves, and is driven to seek external validation, one fix isn't going to cure or satiate that need."

My WWW is a serial cheater. we make noises about R. But I know it won't happen. I take solace in the face that she will cheat on the man she's leaving me for. I hope he feels the same pain. IMO serial cheaters can never change....

My ex is a serial cheater. I feel sorry for the gal he left me for, and even for him, he had never been faithful to any woman he was with, and when my ds stayed with him during the summer, he mentioned to me that his dad hadn’t changed.

He is cheating on her. He is a very “charming” and attractive guy. He preys on women who are insecure, and with his charm, makes them feel as if they are the luckiest woman in the world to be with him. As soon as you question him, it’s always…”how dare you, after everything I have done for you”. I don’t know how many years I heard, “I’m not going to tolerate being questioned, my ex questioned me, blah blah blah.”

When I met him, I didn’t know he was dating someone else. I was young and naïve, I had also just lost my mother, so I was lost. I believed everything he said, and I tried to believe him for many years to follow.

He told the ow that he is with now that we were done, and I wasn’t with him.

I do think that they are a different all together. I honestly feel they are incapable of being in a committed relationship. I feel bad for my ex in that I know he is a miserable person, he will never be able to fill that void. I like the analogy of the glass without a bottom. Everything you put in just runs through.

I know he is hurting, but he is the only person who can mend that. I do think it takes serious IC to delve into why serial cheaters do what they do. His words still echo in my mind, “I try to love but it just never comes”. He will never be able to commit because he can't love.

Cheaters break their contract, which is an unfair and cowardly thing to do - taking advantage of the contract and lying to their partner

mefirst, I completely agree with everything you said and I do believe it is cowardly; however, I think you missed my point. All I'm saying is that many serial cheaters don't see infidelity, lying, and betrayal the same way as we do.

Some cheaters even feel entitled to betray their spouse because of some perceived victimization and/or blame caused by their spouse.

A serial cheater knows they are breaking their vows and lying, but they just don't care. They enjoy the advantages of being married, but not as much as they do the thrill of the affair.

Whatever their motivations for cheating, it is wrong and a terrible thing to do to someone.

Often, serial cheaters/liars have sex addiction issues...intimacy disorders...character/personality disorders. Truly horrendous to deal with. So sorry...

Sometimes its just lots of testosterone + poor boundaries = serial cheater.

I believe that testosterone has a chemical effect that creates a drive...and some men just do not try to fight it.

These men should not be married, but made the commitment anyway.

They don't divorce because they enjoy their wives and family, and married life...but they crave variety. Not all humans are naturally monogomous, and often times people get married when they are too immature to recognize this about themselves.

There are many men that do not give into these impulses. There are many men that get their variety through porn. And there are some that are serial cheaters.

I think that in their minds, they don't think their serial affairs are threatening their family, because they have no intention of leaving. In their minds, the other women are no big deal. When they get caught, they get a reality check.

Some are sociopaths, but I think others are just normal dudes that should not have gotten married. They do not have the strength to honor their commitment over a long period of time, and choose to give in to their desires at the expense of their wife & kids.

[This message edited by my3threekids at 11:27 PM, September 3rd (Friday)]

Wow, stopthemadness, our stories sound very familiar!

I do believe some of them are different beasts all together.

Constantly searching ... constantly hunting ... looking ... hoping to find .... WHAT?

I recall my EXWH doing just that right in front of me! His eyes were always scanning the crowd; he seemed to be constantly looking for someone prettier

I don't think I can offer any insight that hasn't already been posted. Just wanted to let you know that I could have written your posts.

Thank you all so very much for your responses. It means the world to me ... it does during this difficult time.

I have to tell you all something ... if you're still listening. A few days ago, after sending me links to sappy music for the last two Fridays (a mere 30 days after I broke up with him for the last lie and cheat) ... he sent me a quote. A quote from Willima Blake ... and it said ... 'A fool who continues with his folly will become wise'. No words again from him ... just that quote.

I actually thought ... he interpreted this as an insight to HIS CHEATING. Wow ... was I wrong!!

That very day ... a bit later ... his profile became lit up all over the dating sites. I guess he got tired ... after a MONTH ... of saying, "I'm sorry" again, and again, and again.

[This message edited by stopthemadness at 6:40 PM, September 5th (Sunday)]

I believe a lot of serial cheaters are just people who have either not got caught yet, or people whose BS does not make it a "federal case" (as it should be made) the first time they are caught.

I refuse to believe that there are cheaters who are built to only have one affair with their one "true love," etc. This is B.S. The same impulse and lack of boundaries that prompts any affair can easily be repeated. It is when the WS is caught (since they so rarely actually confess, although I concede it happens once in a blue moon), and where the infidelity is dealt with as the extremely serious matter that it is (either through divorce or through the hard work of real reconciliation), when the opportunity to address the behavior arises.

Many one-time cheaters, I believe, simply didn't have the opportunity to be serial cheaters, or they would have been, assuming they aren't caught.

It needs to be looked at as simply intolerable behavior, for which one chance, and one chance only, is given.

The phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater," arises from the fact that many WS's don't really have to pay real intense consequences for their behavior, it becomes a cost-benefit analysis for them, and so they repeat.

This pattern is especially prevalent with male WS's, because I think society is, fair or not, less utterly disapproving when a guy cheats, and female BS's often have less power in the relationship. Those guys need to feel pain, but they haven't received enough of it to counter the sometimes addictive impulse to cheat, especially if they're prone to sexual addiction, or come from cultures where there is a sense of entitlement about "getting some on the side."

Cheaters have to be exposed to sustained pain. They have to learn the price of taking a spouse and family for granted, and it CANNOT be swept under the rug, or the chances of it continuing ("love" notwithstanding, because it usually has nothing to do with love) are huge.