SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WH has been an IDEAL husband in R for three years. However, I found a secret email acct, which he says he closed yesterday. (Found it in his browser history.) He told me he set it up to receive porn and felt ashamed and closed it down.

I have no other reason to suspect he is in another A or that he is in communication with OW.

He has had a history of lying about porn before the A.

Am I the stupidest person alive to believe him on this? He went to an SA meeting today and appears remorseful and truthful... but what do I know??

BS 49

WH 52

son 10

dday 9.24.07

When you found the email account, did you look through it? Did his story check out? If there was nothing in there but spam and logins for porn sites then he may be telling the truth.

If the email was empty though, well, I would be concerned. If he's using it to "only" sign up for porn, then there would be TONS of spam in there. Those porn sites proliferate and send tons and tons of spam each and every day. Heck you can get some spam without ever going to a porn site.

What does your gut say? What did you find? And what are your consequences for lying and hiding things like this?

I don't have any advice. This just is not good. Not a good pattern for a man that has SA issues.

I hope he opens up at the meeting and someone hits him with a 2/4 of truth.

(((((dayatatime)))))

How long has your husband been diagnosed an SA?

Perhaps this would be a good question to bring to the "I Can Relate" forum for SAs, if your husband is an SA.

Because, porn use IS considered acting out with sex addiction.

You don't mention how long he's stopped looking at the porn. If he's still looking at it, no matter how infrequently, he's "slipping" (best case) or relapsing.

What are your boundaries for this behavior?

If he is a SA his secret account for porn is a relapse.

I am glad he is remorseful and closed the account. That's a good sign.

Be careful and watchful, his addiction is rearing its ugly head...danger zone.

Did you two discuss porn when you decided to R? What was agreed on then?

This would really bother me. Just because it was secret. Remember, those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

It is good he felt some shame about it and closed it. But I think you need to talk about this. Are you in counseling; maybe that would be a safe place for both of you to discuss.

Love do

What is appropriate to say when reading a post that triggers some doubts in me? I always think, "What if I am totally wrong, and I introduce doubt into someone's head and it makes things worse for them??"

But on the other hand, it is hard not to speak up, after you've been through the wringer yourself...

So please take what I am saying with a grain of salt.

So while I have a concern here, I could be way off base. Any corrections are more than welcome.

Here's my concern: is it realistic to open an email account just to look at porn? While there certainly are porn sites that would require an email address - for example if one were to pay for membership to a site, all the porn fiends I know just look at the free sites, which are easy to find online.

Maybe he wanted to subscribe to a specific porn site and so he did set up an email account to do that.

It just seems a bit of a flimsy excuse to me. But, I hesitate to say anything, because he could be telling 100% truth, and I hate to introduce doubt.

I am still stuck in examining people's actions through the "Is That Normal Behavior" lens.

[This message edited by imtrying at 12:32 AM, September 5th (Sunday)]

If he is a SA he has broken sobriety. That alone is a HUGE concern.

Did you see any of the emails or did you find it AFTER he closed it?

If you didn't see any of the emails, personally, I wouldn't trust him and believe it was only for porn. Anything done in secret is a no-no after infidelity but is especially concerning if he's a SA.

And like I said, an SA doing ANYTHING involving porn is a relapse.

You'll need to fill in some huge gaps in the situation before I can offer any useful advice.

7

I did not get to read any emails as he said he closed the acct. We did not agree on anything re; porn but we did agree on transparency, which he is in violation of. He has had infrequent problems with porn every five or so years out of 20 as far as I can tell. This is the first time he has identified himself as an SA and investigated a program. He has been sober from alcohol for more than 20 years. No longer in AA but attends church regularly.

My gut tells me he is telling the truth but I agree with others that it is not necessary to open an email acct to surf porn. So maybe there is a rat here? He said he liked getting pictures sent to him and did not want me to be able review the browser history.

Regardless, I have done a 180 on him requiring him to actively work a program, get a sponsor, and I am going back to Al Anon. He has agreed to a poly. He has exchanged his smartphone for a dumb one that cannot surf the web and our home computer is protected from porn.

He says he is tired of causing more pain and is ready to end this. He is reading the Bible right now and asked me to please turn restrictions onto the television.

This man has otherwise worked his behind off in R for three years with IC, MC, cooking, cleaning, new wedding band, flowers, etc. Still I agree that porn is NOT OK, in this M.

Do you think this is enough for now or should I insist on a poly?

Thanks in advance.

BS 49

WH 52

Son 10

Dday 9.24.07

I guess the poly depends on how much YOU want to know. Are you more concerned that he is committed now to stay transparent or do you need to know what he has done before you can move on.

if you need to know both then I think you need the poly or you will always wonder what he has done.

I can't help but wonder if he has been up to other things too. Sorry to say that, but it's true.

Looking at porn it adultery...his bible will tell him that. And I'm glad he is making the right moves to not be tempted to go there anymore. That is good.

Well, there's one way to for sure tell. My H closed his email account on DDay after I read all the emails. I wanted to do more investigating, so I simply reopened the email account. I signed up as a new user and used his exact email address. I found OW#4 that way.

Some emails don't let you sign up for a closed email account for 90 days, some let you do it right away. So get the exact email address, try to resign up for it, and if it doesn't work then wait for 90 days and get it then. Cheaper than a poly, and you'll probably get more answers that way too. I also used to sign onto chat with that email address too, that's how I got to chat with OW#4 and find out how she "knew" my H.

How do you look up a browser history on a computer? I'm very technically challenged.

I'm a recovering SA myself and this all rings totally false to me.

I suppose you could ask him *who* is sending him these alleged pictures by email, since no porn site I ever heard of does delivery. To me it seems extremely coincidental that he just happened to close his email account after years of having it a few hours before you found out it existed, so now he conveniently can't show you what's in there. I like the suggestion of trying to reactivate the account mentioned above, though you have to realize that if he is an SA you can drive yourself crazy trying to find the next big bang, which isn't healthy for you, and might just drive him further underground.

Personally I think him asking for restrictions on tv and internet seems a really positive sign that he both understands how serious this is and that he is willing to ask for help, but if he's asking for your help to fight his addiction to porn, he probably hasn't told you the complete truth about the extent of his porn use.

Maybe you could ask him to just tell you why he thinks he is an SA, and to describe how farreaching his addiction is/has been - try to get him to open up and stop lying. The lying and hiding is the most destructive thing addicts do.

One of the hardest things on SI for me is saying 'I don't buy it' when I clearly don't know the full details of the situation, so I can only speak from my own experience. Addicts lie. A lot.

If he self identifies as SA you need to believe him.

List of resources for Spouses/Partners of SA

This is the advice and list of resources I give to all members newly dealing with a possible or confirmed SA partner. This is all good advice whether you reconcile or not.

~~

Educate yourself about sexual addiction.

First and foremost you should read these books:

"Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts" by Stefanie Carnes.

"Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets" by Claudia Black PhD

and

"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means

~~~~

His best hope for recovery is for him to seek treatment with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) Here is a resource to find CSATs by zip code:

http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm

You might also want to start on that website to find a good therapist for yourself. He has to work his recovery on his own and even if he doesn't get help you'll need counseling to recover from the trauma of being married to a sex addict. And believe me, it IS a trauma. You need to find counselors who are experts on SA otherwise you're in for a world of confusion and pain. (This is my opinion based on experience)

~~~~

Online resources:

http://www.sexhelp.com

This is Dr Patrick Carnes' website. He is *the* expert on SA.

http://www.sa.org

Sexaholics Anonymous

If your husband faces his sex addiction and seeks treatment he'll most likely be directed to a 12-Step group. This is the one I recommend. If you look at their site you'll also find information for yourself that may be helpful. (I personally recommend SA not SAA because SAA is too lax in their definition of healthy sexual behavior. This is my opinion.)

http://www.recoverynation.com is an excellent online community with online recovery workshops for both the SA and the spouse. (This should not replace seeing a CSAT (see below) and going to SA meetings (see above) for the sex addict but is a great addition to those things.)

http://www.candeocan.com This is an excellent source of information. They focus on what they call "porn addiction" however, there is no such thing, it is ALL sex addiction. The info on their site is so good that I still recommend it with the explanation that "porn" addiction is in fact "sex" addiction. (since your husband specifically has a porn problem in his SA this is an excellent site.)

~~~~

To fully understand SA you both need to do a lot of reading. If he doesn't face his addiction you should still do the reading to help yourself and decide what you want. I don't advise women to stay with SAs who are not in recovery and who are not sober.

I recommend for the partner (in addition to the 3 above):

"Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes (I recommend you read this after you've read "Mending a Shattered Heart" and the others, but not before.)

For the SA:

"Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes

(I don't recommend you read this book, but it would be an excellent read for your husband to start if he's willing to face his addiction, while you read "Mending a Shattered Heart")

Many SAs have a serious porn habit, this book "Porn Nation" by Michael Leahy, would be a good book for the SA. Mr. Leahy is a recovering sex addict who had a serious porn addiction that cost him pretty much everything before he finally hit bottom. (I don't recommend that wives read this book at first. It's too triggery for "just found outs")

~~~~

Sadly, a really helpful post regarding boundaries and consequences has long since been lost. Here is a link to a website with good info on it:

http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

This is going to be vital for you going forward. You cannot force him to seek treatment and you cannot control him but you do have a right to set boundaries to keep yourself safe.

PM me anytime and feel free to join the "Spouses/Partners of SA 5" thread in "I Can Relate"

7

Yeah I like the idea of signing up for a new acct with the old address. Brilliant idea. I think I need a poly too as this doesn't add up.

Re the browser history you can find it on your menu settings on your Internet browser. It's not hard to do and someone can show you easily.

Thanks for the help everyone.

If the account was open all this time, it still fed his addiction by the mere ability to go in and see who sent him emails, as we all know "JUNK" email never ends, even though he may say he never used it.

He can be passive and still receive and view, not "use" it per se.

Wow. Good points.

Tried to reactivate the acct and couldn't. WH agreed to do so. I watched him. Yahoo indicates it will take 24 hours to reactivate. In the meantime WH has given me his smart phone and I hid our computer cords so our home computer is useless. Since this is a holiday he can't go to a public library etc to access and change the contents. Plus as everyone has said here if he used it to have porn sent there will be lots more when acct is working again.

He is going to a meeting today but I need to do what I can to feel safe.

Found secret email acct. He's been responding to personals on craigslist and sending photos of his genitals.

Full 180 in place. Sigh. Will schedule a poly to see what we are dealing with really. Not sure what else to do. Call an atty tomorrow. Have I missed anything?

I'm glad that my tip could help out and get to the bottom of it. I'm so sorry!