SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I met a new guy about 3 and 1/2 weeks ago that is different from any so far and I'm just wondering if he is normal or I'm just over analyzing? Up until this point I seemed to have met the "stage 5 clinger" types but this one is exactly the opposite and it is driving me crazy. When we are together(about twice a week), it is perfect. He will talk about things that refer to us doing something together in the future. We have so much in common and I have not had a single red flag yet. What I'm wondering is, how do you know if a man is really "into" you? I try not to really call or text him first so I don't seem needy but feel like that is just a game. He isn't much of a phone person I am discovering but he does text, which is ok by me since I am a textaholic. I don't hear from him every day. We both have a lot of friends and our own separate lives which is nice. I think everyone needs their own "space". How long do you wait to have a conversation about where we are going from here? I really, really like this man and don't want to be hurt again. Am I just being crazy expecting too much, too soon? Is this how a "normal" relationship works? I have been just lucky I guess to always know right up front where I stand with someone.

I dunno, but he sounds great! I still stand by the "2 day rule" in the beginning. I think that's great that you can't wait to hear from him.

Um, I think 3 and 1/2 weeks is way too soon to have the where are we going conversation. I think you can tell if he is into you by the fact he is seeing you two times a week. Enjoy it and relax. (I know easier said than done)

ETA: sorry I answered, I just saw you were asking the guys....

[This message edited by diditagn at 11:36 PM, September 5th (Sunday)]

Well, I'm not sure if I'm considered normal, but I think I would just enjoy things as they come, and not bring up the whole relationship thing quite yet. Just keep your own separate good life going and see where it leads for awhile. Seeing each other a couple of times a week seems pretty good to me especially if you are both busy, etc.

3.5 weeks into a relationship would be waaaaaaaaaaay too early for me to have a talk about the future.

Just be patient.

Thank you for your responses. I know you are all right. As I said this is new to me. I have been very lucky when I have met people to just be attached at the hip from day one. As Dr. Phil would say, "How's that working out for you?" lol

I actually posted this because I kind of get mixed messages from him but I'm probably just over-analyzing again because I like him. He told me he feels I have some walls up and am a little guarded and that he is ready for a relationship. He asks what kind of place I am in for that. I tell him I am ready for one also and have done a lot of healing over the past year. The conversation doesn't go any farther than that. What are men thinking when they say things like this? When he asks, I don't know how much to reveal on how much I DO like him because I don't want to scare him away. What are men looking for when they ask what I am "ready for"?

Give him his space. Be patient. Let him be the one to bring up the future.

Concentrate hard to just focus on enjoying the time you have with him.

If he asks about what you are ready for, then just tell him that its too early right now and lets just enjoy things together. I think he will like that answer - and be more curious about you.

Pay attention to his actions rather than his words: if he is showing interest in you by calling to talk, or scheduling dates, thats the "message" that he is interested in more of you.

[This message edited by DigDug at 1:33 PM, September 6th (Monday)]

He told me he feels I have some walls up and am a little guarded and that he is ready for a relationship

Sorry, not a man.

Did you ask him what he meant by that comment? It warrants more discussion. He's definitely opening up the lines of communication, I wonder if you're taking advantage of those opportunities to show him a little bit of what's inside.

It doesn't mean you have to be all gushy or anything, just talk about what you want, what you're looking for.

And it is okay to let on that you like him, you know. As long as you don't come on too strong.

As far as talking about "the future", I'd agree that 3.5 weeks is way too soon. It probably is time to ask whether he is dating anyone else. That's important to discuss prior to sleeping with him.

Digdug, I will try hard to take that advice.

Hope, whether or not he is dating someone else is exactly what I want to know but am afraid to ask. I met him on plenty of fish and he still has an active profile (yes I have stooped to the level of looking anonomously) but it never says he has been on. Mine is still there but hidden so no new people can see me if they did a search. Only someone that has contacted me previously can see it. He isn't a huge computer person like I am so may not have thought of it, however, you do get emails from them telling you that there are new matches so that would remind him he still has it. Or he could be still looking and I HAVE to be ok with that. Too late on the intimate part since I did last Sunday....ouch. It was wonderful though and he made it like every woman would want their first time in their life to be. This did not help me emotionally of course since I have never been one to be able to separate emotion and sex.

As far as talking about the future, I don't mean far into the future, just where we currently stand I guess and as I said above, if we are still dating other people for now.

What are men looking for when they ask what I am "ready for"?

If I asked a woman that, I would be looking to learn if the woman is on the same page as I am in regard to the nature of the relationship. Just casual? Serious? Serious with being open to marriage?

Too late on the intimate part since I did last Sunday

Sigh...I was afraid of that.

Well, better late than never. You definitely need to ask him if he's dating anyone else. It's a matter of personal safety, if nothing else.

I would advise against telling him you know he's still active on the dating site.

It's only been 3.5 weeks? At this point you just need to relax and enjoy getting to know him. Let things happen naturally.

EVERY relationship carries with it the risk of getting hurt. Every single one. There is no "safe" relationship. You're either willing to risk it or you are not.

But you can't enjoy it if you are freaking out and bracing yourself for possible pain.

So take a deep breath and just relax and see where this goes.

I used to ask the same question and have the same musings.

Until I met GDM.

He made it very clear he was interested. Not in a creepy-clingy way, but in a way that was definitive, but allowed me to have my space. He contacted me daily, asking how my day was going and telling me anecdotes about his. We chatted frequently via e-mail during the day. We met about twice weekly to do things. We did not pursue immediate intimacy. We talked about sex and our expectations (i.e. exclusive relationship, no sharing, no cooties) before we engaged in a physical relationship.

It's everything I have always wanted with a man who is a wonderful fellow to be with.

And yes, I met him on a dating site.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is a huge difference between indifference and total neediness. A man who is into you lets you know.

I still think the book "He's Just Not That Into You" is a great read. If you haven't read it, do so. If I look back at all the other men I was ga-ga about, they were much LESS into me than I was into them.

Cat

I suck at asking guys "where we stand". Mostly because I'm extremely blunt and that tends to catch people off guard. That's just how I am though If a guys is trying to get too friendly and I'm not ready I have no problem smiling at him and saying "you know you're not getting laid tonight". I don't do subtlety

I guess my question would be why would you want or need to ask someone "where you stand."

If he's not forthcoming with his intentions, his goals, what he wants. . . why should you have to drag it out of him.

And the time to do the "where we stand" convo is before you are physically intimate. That's a natural turning point. If you are intimate without setting expectations, then he feels he has no boundaries and can do as he likes (well, either of you can do as you like, and even when you have the discussion, it doesn't mean that both parties will abide by what you have agreed to).

My opinion, after 7 years of dating: you have the conversation at the point of intimacy unless you have had it before and are in agreement. If he is unwilling to agree to exclusivity, then you have two choices: continue with the relationship KNOWING that you are in a non-exclusive sexual relationship with all the attendant health risks or discontinue the relationship.

It's been my experience that the "make 'em wonder" type generally like a string of fillies. Not all, but most.

Cat

i totally agree with cat. my new man (who desperately needs an SI nickname) has let me know unequivocably that he's "into" me.

i never feel pressured or like he's invading my space or he's clingy. he's just very clear about his feelings.

i never really believed that it was possible to be so clear how a man felt early in a relationship unless he was clingy/needy. clingy/needy = ruuuuun for me. i was wrong. and i'm thrilled.

the other part is that when i have had moments where the damage from the past takes over and i start to question. i take a step back and do nothing. in no time, he does something that affirms my assessment of the status of "us"

for reference we've been seeing each other about 6 weeks. no ILYs have been exchanged yet. but i know exactly how he feels about me, and us.

[This message edited by hexed at 8:03 PM, September 6th (Monday)]

I agree with Hexed in that when you do have doubts, it's important to ask yourself, "Is this legitimate, or are these my fears and uncertainties speaking." Being able to answer this is important.

I do recommend the book, "He's Just Not That Into You." It's a great read on how guys behave then they are (and are not) into you.

Cat

ALL of your advice is very helpful. DCK, you always have the best advice and I love how you are usually blunt on here. Cat, I have been following your GDM story and it gives me hope. Thank you for sharing it.

Yes, I should have had these conversations before becoming physical intimate but it was actually me that changed the subject when they came up. He did offer some information without me asking, such as the fact that he has only been with 3 women in 25 years and he was married to 2 of them. I can recall times now when he was just fishing for what I was thinking. I should have spoke up then but was afraid to. Sometimes I think he feels it is me that is holding back. He is hard to read.

I did talk to him for a while last night and he had just gotten back from his weekend in Key West for fantasy football draft. He mentioned his friend will be playing at a bar there in a month or two and he would like me to go with him. I am taking that as a good sign. We are going to a Tom Petty concert next week together so another long drive may bring out the conversations. I really hate this part and thank you all so much for letting me vent. I helps to keep me calm and comforting to know I can post here rather than calling him. I have never been this insecure before and not sure how to handle it.

alright, i'm not a guy but something i've noticed is that you don't always have to have a big talk about it.

in fact i think sometimes it goes better if you don't start it that way. it takes some of the pressure off.

with new man, at one point i said to him "i'm spoiled and i don't share well" that sort of set a very short conversation in motion and that was the end of it. i knew the answer anyway so it wasn't that uncomfortable to for me to bring up the subject.

Thanks hexed, you have been very helpful!