SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think you know damned well that she probably isn't capable of the kind of utterly deluded and, dare I say it, evil behavior of Alex's wife before, during, and after her pregnancy. This puts her betrayal in a whole other league, IMHO.

Maybe on another team. My betrayal was in the same league.

I was capable of my own utterly deluded and I dare say, evil behavior. I wasn't pregnant, I could have been because I didn't practice safe sex. I screwed Wal's best friend of 20 years. For 2 years. I gas-lighted Wal making him feel like he was a bad husband. I picked fights to go and get drunk and high. I literally tore apart a friendship that lasted longer than most marriages. Why? Because I felt I deserved to do whatever the hell I wanted to do.

Total disregard. Total dismissal of Wal, Wal's feelings, Wal's well-being. I abandoned my children, I abandoned my home, I abandoned every moral that I was brought up with...

I didn't care about anything or anyone. (Including myself.)

I did everything wrong. WSes here on SI are looking for ways to help their BSes heal. I didn't. I didn't.

Wal said, "Go to therapy or get out." Wal said, "Finish college and get a job to help support our family."

That is all I did. I didn't share my therapy. I didn't help him. I did what I could to improve me. For ME and for my kids. I didn't want to lose my children and I could have at that point in my life. My recovery was selfish.

My recovery started out all about me. That I learned so much along the way is great. Hindsight doesn't do a damned bit of good though. All it does is enable me now to maybe help a few of the people here now to not make the same mistakes that I did.

Don't get me wrong. I loved Wal, as much as I knew how to love. I hung on to the thought that he said he would stay until the kids were grown... That was a type of self delusion as well. I didn't ever expect to be forgiven or loved by Wal again. I'm a master at self delusion. Reality checks are part of my everyday life now.

I will not minimize the pain that Wal went through because of me. He went through Hell ALONE.

Our Reconciliation was Divine Intervention by the Grace of God. What are the chances of a Google search for the side effects of medication popping up a post by Wal on SI as a first hit? Really Astronomical, especially when the post had nothing to do with medication and made no mention of any medication whatsoever?

You don't bet on the impossible.

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 3:54 PM, September 6th (Monday)]

w_s,

There's a lot that I could say here. I'll just stick to this:

As a BS, it is very warming to see your post. You are being completely honest and that is so refreshing, because I live with a man who is totally in denial of anything that he has done.

I read your story; I cried. I don't know why, maybe out of a sadness that I am married to someone who hasn't lifted a finger to help diminish the pain; you understand the pain.

But, I just wanted to say Thank You. Thank you for coming SO far down an incredibly tough, tough road and even though you stumbled many times, still want to reach the end...with WAL.

(((Wincings_sparkle)))

I reflect sometimes on how fsc and I did almost everything wrong for a very long time. Even with good advice and guidance-- we managed to make a big mess-- messier.

I think that I did almost everything that a BS is advised not to do. To my shame.

You walked your path and found your way. Whatever it took and however long it took - you both hung in there for your own reasons. And in the end you were right to do so. For you.

The long way around still gets you there.

(((wincings_sparkle)))

Your personal turnaround has been nothing short of amazing. Keep it up! Very inspirational.

Also, to have WAL support you through all that and still be there for you takes a truly special person.

I'm so happy for both of you.

Why did you do it? Why would you risk everything? Why did you throw your future and happyness away? Do you think you are a safe person to love?

I do sometimes wonder, after reading so many other terrible stories, why my WW's behavior is seen as so much worse than others.

Really, the only thing that makes it worse to me is the issue surrounding her pregnancy. I felt that it was such a special, scary and exciting time to be planning on having our first child. I remember going over baby name lists, tracking fertility times and talking about/planning for integrating a baby into our lives. We had discussed school districts and planned for the nursery.

I CANNOT wrap my mind around this. How was all of that going on between B47 and I while she was having almost nightly unprotected sex with OM at work!? That's what makes it so bad... That and continuing the sex through the pregnancy.... But aliveagain knows all about this stuff too... He obviously is just as dumfounded or dare I say "befuckled" as I am.

Sorry... I've effectively t/j-ed your t/j

I love to read how clearly you understand your actions and take responsibility for them. Thanks.

"befuckled"

Brilliant word.

Are you saying that you did not begin to get it until you stummbled across WALs posts on SI? That must be quite a story.

I think Camus said in a different context that there is little that is so horrible that the human mind cannot deal with it. In the area of wife infidelity, I think WAL and Alex prove this point.

I would only note that I see a lot of pain in WAL's posts even 2 years later, but I guess you know that.

What are the chances of a Google search for the side effects of medication popping up a post by Wal on SI as a first hit?

Mrs. Winc!!!! Are you serious??

I would only note that I see a lot of pain in WAL's posts even 2 years later, but I guess you know that.

Hmm. That's interesting.

I don't see much/any pain in my posts. I certainly don't feel much/any pain anymore -- haven't for quite some time.

I do tend to reach back and use language as though I'm "still in the shit" when I'm posting to people, because I'm personally annoyed when I'm in crisis and people approach me from the "I'm all better now, but this is how I felt then" angle. So I tend to post using a tone that attempts to show my empathy with their current struggles.

Plus, I just like to curse a bunch.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 11:11 AM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

AA:

20/20 vision here:

I couldn't have answered any of this right after D-Day or even during the first year after D-Day.

Do you want the short version of "Why I did it" or the long version?

The short version of why. I wanted to, so I did.

I made a series of Bad. Cold. Hard. Hateful. Evil. Choices. Why? Entitlement, selfishness. Weakness? Self-delusion?

The long version is a litany of boundary issues, events, mental illness, Foo bullshit, skewed perceptions, excuses, reasons and all of the other mental broken crap. Almost 4 years of therapy cannot be condensed.

I don't think that there is one hard and fast answer.

Why did I risk everything?

Insanity is a good word. Down deep, I didn't think I deserved everything that I had. I thought it was all an illusion... (add more psychobabble...)

Why did you throw your future and happiness away?

I threw away what I had then. The why? See above.

My future is still ahead of me and I learned that my happiness is in me not from anything outside of me.

Do you think you are a safe person to love?

I'd like to say Yes. I want to say that after everything that I put Wal through, after everything that I went through that, "Yes, I'm safe to love..." In the interest of honesty, the honest answer is "No." "No, I don't. I think that it is a risk to love me. I have an illness that will not ever be cured. It can be controlled. Someone said it was like "brain diabetes", as long as I take care of it, it stays under control. If I don't it can cause all sorts of problems. Sadly, I'm going to be a risk to love for the rest of my life. Will I ever cheat again? No. I'll drive my car off an overpass first. (I'll check and make sure there is no one under there. )

Alex:

Sorry... I've effectively t/j-ed your t/j

My threads tend to go where they will. People take them where they need to go. thread-branch t/b

Selective editing Alex: "Really, the only thing that makes it worse to me is the issue surrounding (our family illness, children's graduation, birthdays, anniversaries, family reunions). I felt that it was such a special, scary and exciting time to be planning on having our (event). I remember going over lists, times and talking about/planning for integrating (these plans) into our lives. We had discussed (school/family events) and planned for our (future)... ...And continuing the sex through everything that was happening in our lives."

It is all befuckling.

And it causes much befucklement.

longsadstory1952:

Are you saying that you did not begin to get it until you stumbled across WALs posts on SI?

The story is in my profile. I had gotten it, Wal just didn't know. That communication thing is important. (I didn't know all the SI terminology so I would have just said that I was mentally healthy and he didn't know how healthy.)

I would only note that I see a lot of pain in WAL's posts even 2 years later, but I guess you know that.

Wal and I talk about his posts and mine. He'd have to comment on his pain level. I know what he tells me. I don't assume anything about what I "see".

Wal, we both posted at 11:11... Make a wish.

Yes Jimi. It was freaky.

We're so in tune, we even post at the same time.

Suck it, synchronicity.

I would only note that I see a lot of pain in WAL's posts even 2 years later, but I guess you know that.

I started reading SI almost 2 years ago and WAL's posts stood out to me because of the pain in them. Yet at the same time he was so quick to reach out to others in their time of pain. He still reaches out to people but there is a huge difference in how he posts now, imo.

Now I read wincings' posts and I think, she's one former wayward that truly gets it. I'm happy for both of them.

I do sometimes wonder, after reading so many other terrible stories, why my WW's behavior is seen as so much worse than others.

alex071 - As I am now D'ed (with a very unremorseful xww that filed for D) and raising a 14yo girl (whose mother willingly gave her up) I have to echo your sentiments. IMHO your WW's behavior pales in comparison to many WW's of the BH's here on SI. The problem being is that they have no SI identity and thus their actions are discounted.

Your WW deserves a ton of kudos just for being here with you!

IMHO no betrayal is worse than or better than any other. It is the actions (good and bad) post Dday that establish the severity of the event.

-t2g

Wincings,

I just wanted to thank you for this post. Even after all this time, I still feel sad and rejected and all those other bad emotions that stem from infidelity, but somehow, your post made me feel better. Thank you.

Well, I guess WAL hits it on the head. I thought he was still living in the moment, but I now see his point of the way he phrases the posts. It does make sense and I am glad, because I was thinking he was really suffering still.

I also just read your profile from begining to end. All I can say is it is amazing self insight.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 4:20 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

because I'm personally annoyed when I'm in crisis and people approach me from the "I'm all better now, but this is how I felt then" angle.

Interesting... I am exactly the opposite. I have never called my ex any form of derogatory name... not even on Dday or when I first joined here. After all, she is the mother of my children.

It would upset me when folks here trash-talked her and her actions and thus to this never say it has been my approach to show those in pain that each and everyone of us WILL recover no matter how bad our current situation and corresponding pain is.

Thus, I am not able to type cuss words. I will say them occasionally.

Yin and yang.

-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 4:25 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

"Trash talk" isn't trash if it's true.

Okay, in my profile you can see how I handled it.

Now, when he called me "stupid" (even if I did do a multitude of monumentally stupid things...) That one hurt worse than any derogatory name calling.

I'm contrary that way.

Cussing... I owe my youngest son a quarter every time I say a bad word... he hasn't started charging for the written word... yet.