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I'm wondering if I should have tried. The adultery charge would have made the divorce quick and painless. I took her back and kind of regret it. I read about other people's WS begging, trying so hard to make things work, but my WW seems to not care too much. I kind of wish she'd just leave now. Niether one of us like or respect each other. Yeah, it sounds awful and it is. We're doing MC, but seems to be going NOWHERE. Maybe I'm expecting too much. We're only about 5 weeks into this thing, so it might get better. Anyone else ever felt this way?

Sounds like she's still in the fog and you're still hurting so very much. I'm so sorry.

My only regret is that I didn't tell H "you're done" when I first found out. I was in such shock and was scared he'd leave me and the kids. I am stronger now. I wish I'd have been able to be that way in the beginning.

My WH sounded like that ....I tried to do the R work...found out that doing it alone was not going to work and that getting rejected really hurt.... I then started preparing for a S...saw a lawyer, etc. I told WH all of this. Maybe he got scared or maybe it finally sunk in all that he would loose and that I would not just let it just get swept under the rug. He then started to really do things that mattered. Still not communicating like we need to, but maybe it is a start.

It is just new for me and I don't know if this will work, but sometimes they need to know that THIS won't just go away with out some work and caring.

The adultery charge would have made the divorce quick and painless. I took her back and kind of regret it

Just because you took her back does not mean that the adultery charge goes away. At least this way, if it does not work out, you can always have the satisfaction that you DID try.

Maybe we just don't all get those WS's who beg...I know that mine will never beg, and I hope that this is genuine R on his part and not just him not wanting to loose everything.

I recently asked if he ever thought of the OW and he said no , not at all. I told him that I did and he said that he was sorry.

It's not much to brag about, but maybe it is a start.

GOOD LUCK AND LOTS OF HUGS.

THIS IS NOT EASY.

I don't think divorce is EVER quick and painless. But I understand fantasizing about it as a way to make all this uncertainty and pain STOP.

You are not trapped. You can still divorce if you choose.

It's never too late goes both ways. If she isn't working hard at R then 180 and start looking into alternatives?

Under the circumstances 5 weeks seems like about 2 lifetimes. In the bigger picture it is just the blink of an eye. IF you really would like to R, you have to give it much longer to see if she can get her head out of her rear and get her act together. At least 3 months, maybe 6. If no real progress by then, perhaps at that point you seriously consider S or D.

As is often advised here, you can make yourself feel more empowered by the 180. And it just might help her focus a bit on what she wants and what she needs to do.

I know R is very difficult. I am now 9 months into it. But, just a little input that may be help. At first by WH was aloof, not that he didn't care about what he did, ooh, i got the feeling sorry for himself stage for a long time...then for a month, the completely aloof, stand offish, as if he didn't care. But then out of the blue 6 months into R WH got it, got it that he needs to be there for me, can listen through my angery stage moments and be there. Be there completely. it took him awhile to get what R should look like, or at least for me to feel like he is present in this and really wants it, but he got it. Like everyone else's advise, give it time, 6 months at least. In my case it definately helped and WH and I are working very hard in R and i can say I am glad i am sticking to it.

I know R is very difficult. I am now 9 months into it. But, just a little input that may be help. At first by WH was aloof, not that he didn't care about what he did, ooh, i got the feeling sorry for himself stage for a long time...then for a month, the completely aloof, stand offish, as if he didn't care. But then out of the blue 6 months into R WH got it, got it that he needs to be there for me, can listen through my angery stage moments and be there. Be there completely. it took him awhile to get what R should look like, or at least for me to feel like he is present in this and really wants it, but he got it. Like everyone else's advise, give it time, 6 months at least. In my case it definately helped and WH and I are working very hard in R and i can say I am glad i am sticking to it.

I do.

Not me. I am glad we tried to R. Very glad!!

My FWH has really done the hard work required pretty much from day one (or dday #2....lol). It has been a bumpy road don't get me wrong, but I NEVER ever thought about him or me leaving.

I really hope your WW steps up and starts to help with R. You both have to want it and work at it for it to effective. You cannot R by yourself.

Here's some hugs for you!! (((thisisawful))) I hope it gets better no matter what you decide.

I can't say that I regret trying to R, but I am at a low point myself. My hub seems indifferent most of the time, yet claims to love me and to not want to divorce. I can truly relate to your feelings of wanting it to be over. I deserve someone who is more into me and I won't live like this forever, waiting for him to get his head on straight.

I was really back and forth for probably six to eight months. The back and forth ended with the following conversation after a bad couple of days where I was feeling d day really bad.

WS- "I didn't think it would be this hard to be together maybe we should take a break"

Me-"I don't do 'breaks' but if you are done you know where the door is.

and I meant it with every fibre in my body, I didn't falter and my voice didn't catch and I didn't even yell

his response was "I don't wanna be done, what do we need to do?

and its pretty much been a smooth ride ever since.

Just because you took her back does not mean that the adultery charge goes away.

Easy here. There are many fault states that say once you take them back in, adultry charge is nullified. You have forgiven them in the eyes of the law and no longer qualifies. Here's the good news, sorta, your WW sounds like mine was 7 years ago. Mine was waiting for me to get over it so it could be swept under the rug. At the time my dd was 1 1/2 so I swept it under and gutted it out. Glad I did for dd is now 8 and will do better I think this time. Oh yeah, the good , sorta, news? If your WW is truely like mine there will be another A and you can do it then. You can trigger one at anytime with these type of people by not paying enough attention to them and fullfilling their "needs". Won't take six months to a year.

No. My WH was so deep into it that he wasn't even a decent father anymore; angry, drunk,unkind. He has, at least, come back to being a great Dad to our kids, and that has come from trying to R. So, no matter what happens with WH and I, I gave them that gift of pulling their father back into their lives in the "right" way.

We've all felt everything from "I wish you were dead" to "I love you SO MUCH." I've felt the entire spectrum in about 15 minutes and at 8 months post-DDay#1, 4 days post-DDay#2, still do. Giving myself a year post-DDay#1 before I ask myself to make any decisions. If nothing else, I owe it to my kids to try my hardest. At the end of the year (only four more months, holy crap!) I will re-evaluate the State of the Marriage and see where I am. No matter what, I will feel good that I did everything I could for the M. I will feel proud that I didn't cut and run when things got tough. I will feel strong and able to do whatever I need to do next. And I will have made WH experience how destructive and horrible he was.

I thinkl I expected too much from R. If that makes sense. I thought we would get to a better, higher place, not back to the same old shit.

I often wish I had kept him out of the house longer(it was only a couple of days because of the kids and no one really knew and I would have had a hard time explaining where he was when people came over). Or maybe seperated and let him see truly see what his actions caused but I didn't and R is going well, its just hard. & to tell you the truth I don't feel that great about myself for going this route right away anyway. I guess I feel like a bit of a looser for taking him back, letting life go on (at times like nothing ever happened). It is what it is and I keep telling myself that right now its the best for the family.

Good luck w/ whatever you decide to do.

Yes. I was really D.O.N.E. with him.

But, I needed to try to R. I had my reasons, but it wasn't to save our relationship.

I think it takes much longer to come out of the fog so to speak. I think their is an affair fog that takes a while to come out of. Then when they do, the WS is kinda stuck in a fog about the marriage itself. IMO, they kinda think that the hard work is giving up the affair. That we can just go back to how things were before the affair. The thing is, that most of us, BS, realize that the marriage was not in a good place before the A. So we are ready to tackle not only the affair, but the issues in us and our marriage and we expect them to be ready to tackle those issues in themselves as well. It is a fair expectation. The problem is that it takes them (WS) a while to come out of all this and to realize what is at stake. It is also impossible to come out of the fog if any kind of contact is continuing. The more and more the truth of the affair is talked about and sinks into their head about what the affair cost the marriage, themselves and their children or other loved ones, the more and more they get it. It just takes a while for some to stop fighting that they did this and then to get to the point where they are ready to do the hard work that is required.

My husband said yesterday in MC (only 2nd visit) that he realized he was reverting to being a kid on the hard decisions and letting/making me make the adult decisions. He doesn't like to. He has really stepped up in the last couple weeks. Kinda like a light bulb went off. Yes, he was immediately regretful. Then that kinda morphed and changed into a true remorse. THen he really stepped up and became the father that he needs to be. Now, he is realizing that he can be the husband he needs to be, but has to work on a few things to get there. We are at just over 3 months.

What I am trying to say is that for any WS it is a process just like it is for the BS. We just don't like that, b/c we are the one that has been hurt, violated and didn't get a choice in all this. We are the victim of their decision, so we don't always see that they have to go through this process, too.

I hope you choose to give it more time. Although it has been really hard at times, and I was ready to cut and run several times, I can look back today and say we have come a long way and it has been worth it. We can make it. I am sure there will be more hard days when I want to kick the shit out of him, but we are making progress, and I can honestly look down the road and see where we can be. Who we can be. I want that.

Good Luck

I feel like a bit of a looser for taking him back, letting life go on (at times like nothing ever happened). It is what it is and I keep telling myself that right now its the best for the family.

"sadandbetrayed" Right there with you. My R with my FWW is going very well, but I have to admit there are times I feel like a Patsy,Dope,Sucker,Looser for putting myself through the whole R effort and recommitting to someone that hurt me so badly.