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I'm writing this list to remind myself the difference a year can make.

I remember during my first IC appointment (started IC in June 2009 before I had confirmation of the PAs) telling my IC, "I don't know what is wrong with my H. He has changed so much." The first A changes were subtle--things that only those closest to H would notice.

Even the kids noticed the subtle differences, like H's attitude toward animals. We are an animal-loving family and frequently dog-sit for a family friend who has a wonderful dog we all love. I remember our DD saying, at some point early last year, "Mom, Dad used to like [friend's dog]. Now he doesn't want her around."

I noticed, too. He would tell the dog to get out of his way and tell her "I don't like you."

This weekend, Friend's Dog was here again, by my H's invitation. And he was loving and kind to her, not annoyed by her.

This time last year, H's business trips almost always involved stays in luxury hotels and dinners out at nicer restaurants (with OWs). This week's trip H is staying at a generic, road-side hotel and packed bologna sandwiches for himself.

This time last year, H huffed and puffed if I asked for hotel info. This time he emailed me the hotel info and the cell phone number of his delivery driver in case I needed it, without being asked.

This time last year, H packed dress clothes for a business trip to a dirty job site "in case he had to take a customer to dinner afterward." This time he packed only work clothes.

This time last year, H would excuse himself to the basement when we had guests, leaving me to entertain. Now, he holds his own in the conversations and doesn't disappear.

This time last year, H took all of his phone calls in the bathroom or outside or in the basement. Now, he talks freely to customers and vendors and friends in front of the kids and me.

My life is far from perfect. There is so much more to do. But, I have to take time out to remind myself that we are slowly climbing out the blazing abyss of A-land.

[This message edited by Very, very tired at 3:01 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

I can repeat your observations. My WH is a different man. He's an SA, so his recovery is a healing and he FEELS like a new person.

Although we BS's have spent many years praising our spouses and maybe burying our own negative feelings in our dysfunctional relationships, I think it's important to let these new spouses know how much we appreciate that the people we married are back...

More differences:

This time last year H chewed me out on the phone for not being able to take his call when HE wanted to talk to me and the kids (H was out of town and kids and I were at dinner in a restaurant).

H had sent the kids and me to a water park hotel for several days to distract us while he was traveling with OW#1. I had just ordered milk and cookies from room service for the kids and me. I was on the phone with H when room service arrived. The tears were pouring down my cheeks as H yelled at me.

The difference a year makes...

Tonight, the kids and I talked to H (out of town on business) for over 20 minutes. H took the time to answer DS's questions about AM/FM radio waves. There was no rush to get off the phone. There was no accusing me of anything.

[This message edited by Very, very tired at 10:45 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

This resonates with me in so many ways. It's as if while in the throes of their A...they become impatient with the people whom they should love most. They dismiss the very people who should attract and hold their attention.

I find myself watching these moments of lucidity, that are filled with love and patience and wonder why it was so damned hard in the first place.

But it is what it is.

This new reality is so much better, isn't it?

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 10:51 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

Wow...the animal treatment. Now that I am thinking about it, I am astounded at the differences in the way my H tests our pets. Before, he complained about them, would shoo them away, talk about how he never wanted them in the first place, etc.

Now...you would think he wants to be one of them. He loves being the one to feed them, he talks to them all the time, and he even scoots down on the bed so that our oldest cat can sleep on the pillow above his head.

The other differences...well, there are tons. Way too many to write now. But let's just say that the differences in his demeanor is the only reason I decided...and continue to decide...to stay in R. Perfect, no. Neither am I. But his growth in the last year is deep and long, and I have decided that I want to stick around to see the man I know he is.

healingwife, That is interesting about the animal treatment.

I wonder if it is part of the overall rejection of the WS family life? Rejecting the animals is easy because they don't talk back or accuse you of anything.

Hmm... Is this something to add to the list of signs a S might be cheating?

OMG!

VVT, I think you are really on to something!

Should we t/j and start a poll?

VVT... it is good to take the time to look back and see how far you both have come. Otherwise you can often think there is no progress being made.

My H also snapped at me when I called him at work and the call would end with me in tears...now he is back to how he was before the A...doesn't matter how many times I call he is always patient.

There are many other differences I see as well... he isn't working late any longer, he isn't having to go in on the weekends, etc.

It is so nice to have my old H back.