SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Naiveagain- you are definately more forward than I am I won't be seeing this guy anymore, hence the thank you note. I think I will mention coffee, IF he calls me about the note & the cake( I plan on dropping them off at his office)

I think the note is good! It is a big enough opening for him to squeeze into if he wants to!

Guys need more than small hints. Shyguys need giant billboard hints. The last time I was sure a girl was % in me was 2nd grade. Laura C. would kick me in the shins with her white gogo boots in the lunch line. I saw Laura right after my D. She was wearing a harley shirt and lots of leather. I ran!

I think many men, myself included, can be very afraid and intimidated by the fear of rejection.

I know of many men who would love to ask a woman for a date, but either can't determine if she is interested, or are too timid to make the first move.

That doesn't make them bad people. It just makes them oh so human.

I know many male friends who would love to have the pressure taken off them for a change, and have a woman show interest in them and ask them.

In fact, I think it can be a huge relief and such a welcome thing at times.

Despite what the TV shows and movies show us, men are not all bravado and testosterone. We don't all "go for it", unafraid.

We're human.

Just like you.

-Defiance

That's why I make it easy by expressing openness and receptivity to the guys I'm interested in. That takes courage in itself. If they can't bridge that last gap either they're not interested or the fear is too great. I have learned if I bridge the whole gap myself I will have to do it over and over again in the relationship. I'm not expecting the guy to do everything, but I do want him to be in the dance with me and do his part.

I am so done bridging the whole gap. Been there done that got more teeshirts than I ever want to know about.

Ha!

This one strikes a nerve for me too! Feel all feisty!

If they can't bridge that last gap either they're not interested or the fear is too great. I have learned if I bridge the whole gap myself I will have to do it over and over again in the relationship.

Yes!

I don't want to do all the work in the relationship. BTDT got the T-shirt.

If I give some fairly bold hints, he has to have enough cajones to go for it, or he is not going to be the right partner for me.

Okay for some women, but just not for me. I am a sometimes bold, sometimes aggressive female. I need a guy that can equal that. Otherwise, we will always be just friends. I have male friends I love that cannot be that bold. It does not make them bad people, and some of them will make very loving partners. But, for me, if he is going to eventually get me into the bedroom, he has to have that little bit of aggressiveness, or else, like the guy I dated 3 or 4 times in the past 5 weeks, it isn't ever going to happen. I've tried to date more quiet, timid men. Doesn't work for me.

WillNot - everyone is different. This board can give you some different perspectives, but in the end, you have to do what is right for you. Some guys will like it, some may not.

Some women like quieter guys, some women like more aggressive guys. We are all different. Do what feels right for that particular guy.

Trial and error, practice, and have fun!

A couple of you are evidently extrapolating that if you have to ask a guy out, who may be timid or cautious, to saying that it means you will have to do all the work in a relationship?

That is one hell of a huge fucking stretch, and grossly unfair to many men who simply may not have the balls to see yet another women shoot them down.

Get real. Just because we aren't uber-confident macho men doesn't mean you asking us out will equate to you having to do everything in the relationship.

It's the ice-breaker. It's sometimes the hardest thing to get past.

To use that as the defining factor in how someone will be in a relationship is...

Shallow. At best.

-Defiance

If he calls you about the cake, tell him "Hey, maybe we could get some coffee sometime?" That's very casual, but it also let's him know you're interested. If he says sure, you say "please give me a call when you're free."

i don't tend to ask men out either. I would prefer to indicate interest and let them ask me out, but that's just me.

D, I'm sorry I hit a nerve with that one, let me explain a little more. It has been my experience that if I have to do a large amount of the pursuing in the beginning, I have to keep that up to keep the relationship viable. That has just been my experience. I also posted that some of my friends that are kind of timid about asking women out will make good, loving partners.

To me, it just means that I am going to have such a different outlook on life than my partner....it IS scary to make yourself available and show your interest, and not know if it will be shown back. But if I can do it, then he has to be able to also. I want an equal for my journey thru life, someone equal to who I am.

For me...(ME, and only ME), if they don't have what it takes to suck it up and take that chance, they are not going to be the right partner for me. My life is about overcoming your fears, whatever those fears may be. If they can't even overcome the fear of asking me, how will that work for what I need as a partner?

There are a few guys that have asked me out, and even though I was not interested in dating them, we ended up becoming decent friends. I totally respect anyone that can get up the nerve to ask, and if I am not interested, I can usually decline in such a way that he will not take it too personal.

But the hints I give when I am interested, if you read my first post here, are really not that subtle. How hard is it to ask me out if I come over and sit on your lap, or tell you that you need to take me dancing?

Oh, and many of the guys that ask me out are not uber-confident, some of them actually shake a little, stutter over their words, or forget what they wanted to say. If i like them, that stuff doesn't make any difference, I think it is cute. I won't go out with someone who is so smooth they come across as a player.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:53 PM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

For me...(ME, and only ME), if they don't have what it takes to suck it up and take that chance, they are not going to be the right partner for me. My life is about overcoming your fears, whatever those fears may be. If they can't even overcome the fear of asking me, how will that work for what I need as a partner?

Invidious comparison and assumption based on things that may have no bearing on how a person is after the initial apprehension.

This takes a massive assumption based on a single act (or lack thereof)

-D

I have read that guys need a signal before they will approach a woman. Whether it be eye contact, smiling or even being asked out.

So I say no harm in asking or hinting about a coffee. After that I would leave the next move up to him.

I married the last woman who pretty much asked me out without actually saying it. I think she did the same thing to the next guy she asked out, the one she slept with and ended our marriage...

Seriously, some of us miss signals rather easily. You can always start there and move up to asking him out if he seems not to be getting the message.

Wow! I never expected the range of answers! Again, thank you all so much. If he calls after I drop the cake off, I will mention going for coffee. I really do appreciate all the differing opinions(even if others don't) I want to add that I think the guys on this site rock! We've all been thru hell and instead of being bitter, you come and help out someone. I think that's great! & it's what, in part, has restored my faith that not all men suck!