SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all, I am back after about a 2 year hiatus. Been so long I had to re-register because I forget my user name! Long-story-short, husband was a Tiger Woods wannabe without the money (5-6 dumsels in distress that he was involved with over the last 3 years of our marriage - that I knew of).

Anyway... after 11 years of marriage I divorced him. My one year divorce anniversary is on Friday. I am so glad to be out of that marriage but I STILL harbor resentful feelings towards him. The fact that I see him regularly with his new girlfriend doesn't help. We unfortunately live in the same neighborhood so there is no avoiding it. I don't know why I care but lately I've just been angry all over about how he treated me and now has moved on and acts like we are best friends. Meanwhile, I struggle to even find someone to date. I know this is selfish and immature of me, that I should wish him the best and forget about it all, make the past the past and all that, but I'm really struggling. My friends and parents don't get it.

So what is the trick to moving well beyond this stage? I really want to get to the point where I don't think about the past and can concentrate 100% on my future.

Thanks for any advice!

Stop trying to wish him the best.

dumsels in distress

That's a good one

Have you thought about moving to a better neighbourhood without them in it?

That might help.

Hopefully another year will make it easier. The first one was a bitch for me.

The first year was bad for me too.

The second much better less everything concerning him.

In my third now, he's not worth my energy or anger.

gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 8:41 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

I just took a big breath before typing this. You've asked a question that I still struggle with, over 15 years later.

First of all, realize it's not something that you can just switch off. Believe me, I've looked all over for one.

I have had periods of 2 to 3 years where I barely even remember him, and then his stalking ass will show up somewhere online where I am and BOOM! I want to somehow wound him and make him cry like a baby. And after a week or so I go back to complete and utter indifference.

The best I can figure is that it's a process. My particular way of going about it was something like:

1) Accept that this happened to me. Accept that I was in an abusive relationship with a personality-disordered man. That alone took me almost two years. It was so incredible that someone as otherwise intelligent and strong as I am could have fallen for any of it. That I could have been emotionally beaten to the point I was afraid to stand up against him. It completely shattered who and what I thought I was. This acceptance stage was, by far, the most horrific part.

2) Re-establishing who and what I am now. So I'm not strong enough to overcome all emotional obstacles. Welcome to the club, Threnody! Nobody is. I'm nothing special. But I do have some strengths and I do have courage and I am wiser now in the ways of the slimes and abusers of the world. I also noticed my sense of humor was not only unbroken, but that it was sharper than it ever had been before. I also noticed that my ability to empathize with others had grown. I was no longer the person I had been, but that wasn't a bad thing.

3) Evaluate what I want out of my life. Travel, companionship, fame, whatever. I had to really pick apart my own self and my own values to get an idea of what, exactly, it would take to make this New Threnody happy. Then I had to make a plan to obtain it. For me, this involved a career switch that came with an immense pay cut. I wasn't sure how I was going to do it, but I was going to do it or die trying.

And somewhere about this point is where indifference to him started. It was about 3 years along. Who gave a flying fig about him? He was part of the Old Threnody. He was part of the Old Life. I had a new life, new goals, and I was myself entirely new. I didn't have time to care what he was doing, where he was, or what he wanted.

It sounds as if seeing him is holding you back somewhat, and that's what happened with me as well. For a large city, that place sure was small enough that I'd constantly see him walking in and out of places. I'd constantly bump into friends. And then, of course, his weird stalking crap was just starting. Seeing him might set me back a year, then a few months, then a week, then... meh. He never did look good in that color.

It's a slow process, and parts of it hurt like hell. A counselor may be able to help you speed it up. I didn't have that, and had to sort it out on my own with a few false starts here and there.

(((MN)))

Thanks, I'm glad it's not just me being weird in having a hard first year.

Moving is definitely on the books, hopefully for 2011, but it all depends on the RE market which in my area has bottomed out. I cannot afford to sell right now. In the meantime, I torment his new girlfriend as she knows who I am and openly makes a beeline for the house if she sees me out on a run. At least I derive some pleasure from it all.

My 1 year divorce anniversary is this Friday too.

Damned if I know how to let the hatred go. I don't see him ever, but he still owes me a ton of money per the divorce and he didn't pay and left the state and me with his debt to pay. In my sitch I don't see it as harboring old feelings or dwelling on the past because I could give two shits what he and his OW are doing - but I don't have to see them either. My hatred and anger stems from the current events of not paying his responsibilities. I don't feel I can personally let go of the anger until that is resolved.

What might not be resolved in your sitch?

You are correct on all points, Threnody. He is a part of my old life, and honestly I did not recognize him when I found out about everything. How could I be living with a complete stranger? I know that by even focusing a tiny bit on his life that I am keeping myself from moving on. And it's so ridiculous to devote one iota to him. I just keep trying to remind myself of that. It has no logic. As far as therapy, tried it, several times, didn't find it useful. I know I'll emerge on a better side, it's just rough right now. Thanks again for helping me!

I found I had to let the white hot hate burn out.

Tons of therapy, meditation, getting to know me, and believing firmly that I did not do this to myself.

I still have intense anger at my X, and I will forever.

What I replaced it with was a love of me.

There's no quick fix.....it takes time.

I finally came to realize the hatred I maintained cost her nothing & only took it's toll on me. I also had to look at myself and my contributions to our failed marriage. At this stage I actually hope she gets her shit together & enjoys the rest of her life.

After 5 years I now try to reflect on the good times, forget about the bad (but learn from the bitter lessons!)

I finally realized maintaining hatred was just a way of letting someone who doesn't matter anymore maintain control in my life.

When you have something that triggers you remember - now she has to wonder who the SOB is cheating on her with & vise versa.

No matter what they do it really doesn't have to matter to you.

Wish you well.

I replaced the hatred with gratefulness.

I am grateful that I am out of a situation that I was not treated as I should have been.

I am grateful that I have a chance to do it right this time.

Lots of time. And many miles.

By that I mean, living your life and having new experiences that have nothing to do with him.

You build a foundation of a new life, where the memories you have as you go are now more about the ones you've created for yourself.

It takes time. And it's different for everyone. And what Threnody says has a lot of weight, and it is wise to listen to her.

But you will find that hatred and anger and resentment fade a little each day that you focus on your new life, and move ahead.

-Defiance

What I replaced it with was a love of me.

AMEN, to that!

slight t/j here . . .

Threnody, thanks for putting into words what I've been trying to get at in my head. Your recovery process has been eerily similar to mine, minus the husband and kids.

MNS321, I wish you the best! The first year is the hardest. It DOES get better. Honest.

I spent 2 full years in an all out rage. It consumed me and yet I did not know how to control it. I know it took a toll on my health. And one day I realized I was not enraged anymore. As others have said, it was time that was the healer for me.

But whne you are in the full-on rage, someone saying "Be patient, give it time" does not help much. Because it DOES take a toll on your physical and mental health!

So try to find an outlet for your anger. Healthy outlets include exercise and journaling. Unhealthy outlets include physical violence towards another. Also unhealthy is excessive drinking or eating. Somewhere in between are things that helped me: Breaking plates, beating up the garbage can, screaming at the top of my lungs (in the woods), kicking the wall or a tree (if I had on a solid shoe -- you don;t want to break a toe!).

Find an outlet and wait it out. That is the only advise I have for you.

((hugs))

MNS - I'm 3 years post divorce and it has definately gotten easier with time. I can honestly say that I feel indifferent to him now.

BUT

I still have nightmares about him, every couple of days. Nightmares where I'm searching for him, angry with him, warning women, frustrated, and scared. I think I still have Post tramatic stress syndrome. Outwardly, I maintain an air of indifference and independence.

Inside, I must still be processing and healing.

I had meltdown after meltdown before the calm finally kicked in. I don't know if there will be more meltdowns in my future, but I am sure enjoying the serenity. It certainly is a process; however that process is different for everyone.

I went through a period of anger. The anger didn't come right away - only once I was away from him and D'd from him. I wasn't strong enough until then to really resolve those feelings. I validated them. I had an IC who validated them and reassured me that it wasn't bitterness, that they were definitely legitimate feelings because of what I'd been through. But I knew that I had to feel them and then let them go.

Knowing that they were legitimate feelings somehow helped me to then release them. I felt like I needed to let those feelings go, or I would never be free. I made a conscious choice, and if I found myself going down that road I reminded myself that I was free of it.

I didn't want the burden of caring about it all any longer. I still live every day with the negative consequences of it all, but I also live with the positive consequences, so as I see it, there's just no point in looking back.

I took my tagline from an old member here, because those words helped me over and over.

I don't have all the answers, not by a long shot. And I still struggle with this from time to time. But here are some things that have helped me:

1) I realize that while the state of our marriage was something I had joint responsibilty for, the affair was not. The affair (affairs, actually) were not about me at all. They were about her brokenness. Something she sucessfully hid from me for decades.

2) I realize that I did all I could to save our marriage. I know this to my core and I can face my family, my friends, and my Creator with this knowledge.

3) I realize that holding on to hate, wallowing in victimhood, does nothing but drag me down. Sure the circumstances I am in now are tough - and I wish they were better. But they are what they are. I cannot change them. So I can either let all this drag me down. . . or not. I chose "not." I've only got another 40 or 50 years on this side of the vale, I am not wasting any more of it as a perpetually angry victim.

4) Gratitude. I am grateful for the good times with her. They were genuine, loving, good times mixed in with all the shit. I am not throwing it all out. I am also grateful for my children. They are my life.

5) I realize I have a chance at a new start. Truth be told, I didn't really like the man I had become. I wasn't a bad guy - quite the opposite really. But I wasn't being the man I wanted to be. Now I have the chance to do that.

I hope some of that helps some how.

MN another bw of a serial cheater here as well.

Nothing to add except a compliment for Threnody who is a heroine.