SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I recently read the story of a woman who was raped when she was a teenager and she said her husband’s affair was more traumatic than being raped because at least when she was sexually assaulted it was done so by a stranger a man she could easily vilify and the affair was more violating to her because it was done to her by someone who was supposed to love her and protect her. I completely started sobbing as I read that story. I do feel like I have been traumatized. I know in my heart I will heal; but the scars will remain. I know I’m changed by this. I know my view of the world and my trust in people will never be the same. I would never ever minimize the pain of someone who was sexually assaulted but I do feel like my memories, my past, what I thought was my life has very much been assaulted and violated. The mental movies of husband and nanny together are like a mental rape; I just can’t get them out of my head sometimes no matter how badly I wish them away.

Hugs

(((Betrayed)))

I understand exactly. This was one of the things that came up in MC very early on. When asked to describe what I was feeling, violated was the closest I could come up with. Till this day there's not a word I have to describe this feeling.

We are all right there with you, even those of us who are long past dday remember the trauma all too very well.

Sadly it's an experience that I think we'll always remember.

So sorry you are hurting right now.

BIG HUGE HUGS!

(((((Betrayed))))

I 2 have read stories of women who were gang raped when young. Then later in life were betrayed by they H. And they say the same thing. That the A was worse.

Sadly most WS never really get that.

Razor

I know exactly how you feel. I knew infidelity was a bad thing, etc. but I never understood the trauma completely until I went through it. There are no words to describe it, but "violated" (as one poster pointed out) is about as close as it gets.

For me:

Our M was violated.

Our family was violated.

My health was violated, as well as my baby's health, as I was pregnant (STD - all clean now, since it was one of the "lesser" ones, but still a disgusting violation).

My mind and thoughts were violated by the mind-movies.

My self esteem was violated.

My feelings of any kind of security were violated.

My older son's feelings of having a secure family was violated.

The list goes on and on. I agree - to me, it's worse, mainly because the someone who commits this horrible thing against you is the very one who professed to love you the most. I will say that I have never been raped, so I do not say these things to diminish the utter pain and agony of that act - this is just from my limited experience. I would definitely understand why someone who experienced both would feel that the infidelity was worse.

I have heard other BSs say that rape, being abused as a child, death of a spouse - were all LESS painful than infidelity.

I've gone through some seriously painful stuff in my life, but nothing at all can compare with the hell on earth of my FWW's cheating. Absolutely nothing.

When you are betrayed by the person you believe is the one who "has your back", it does seem much worse than if a stranger betrays or abuses you.

If I may tread in softly... it depends on who you are. On the sexual assault survivor board, they overwhelmingly rank infidelity as "less traumatic" than rape or child sexual abuse. Some sexual assault victims cannot get to the stage of a relationship where infidelity would be possible - presumably, if one recovered enough from sexual assault to engage in a romantic relationship, one would find infidelity the more painful trauma.

This is proof that the ego is much stronger at times, than the spirit.

Rape is not about ego, but when you're betrayed, it is.

Our egos are STRONG forces

I have read about this level on trauma in books and on websites. The trauma of infidelity is right there with rape. I can't imagine the horror of rape. It still seems like it'd be worse for me.

But, this sure is a traumatic event in my life.

It is complete trauma.

And what makes it more traumatic for me is that if I told my WH that he violated me and I felt traumatized, he would roll his eyes and tell me I was being ridiculous. No, I'm not kidding...he would.

Makes me wonder what kind of person would do that to another, and like Betrayed_1962 said, to someone who was supposed to be your closest confidante. It's a total assault on your senses and mental health, absolutely.

Another thing that makes infidelity feel more traumatic than criminal acts of trauma is that a victim of infidelity is often blamed for the trauma (we caused our spouses to cheat) and we don't get the support we need from society in general.

Victims of other traumas rarely are blamed for the acts that traumatized them. They aren't told to "get over it" prematurely. People tread a little softer with them. A victim of infidelity is often not treated with compassion and care.

I've read this a few times on this board. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised that I ended up having trauma therapy (EMDR).

This is proof that the ego is much stronger at times, than the spirit.

Rape is not about ego, but when you're betrayed, it is.

On dday my ego was not on the floor making sounds that I did not know was possible for a human to make. The only thing I can phanthom that would make those sounds is a spirit in unrelenting pain.

Egos and feelings are bumped and bruised on a regular basis. Egos are deflated at work, on the ballfield, in your house, etc... People who are superstars to the masses are still only parents in their kids eyes. Feelings get hurt. Tears are shed and wounds are licked and we move on.

When your spirit is dealt a blow it leaves you on the floor in a heap trying to escape from your body because the pain it is experiencing is short of death. The release of in-human sounds is no more than the release valve for the human body not to die from having a broken heart.

A gf of mine buried her 5 year old son and still had to be strong for her 2 year old and newborn. Her H took that time to check out of the M and went on a cheating spree. When she found out it was devastating. When she found out she was in false R she was on the floor in that heap. Her spirit was on the floor not her ego. She put her ego to the side and forgave him the first round.

Our spirit is the core of who we are as a person. Infidelity and everything that comes from it attacks the core of who we are as a person.

Sadly to say...I have made those noises.I am glad no one else heard them.I've never even heard them.I know that pain.I feel like I could handle anything now.

I never understood it -- and even more horribly, I had a couple of family members going through it who reached out to me in pain. You wanna know how I reacted? With love, I listened, but my only thought was how *I* would never put up with it, how *I* would leave, how *I* would...blah, blah, blah.

Never once did I consider the trauma of it all.

Yesterday, I heard someone talking about the biblical meaning of the Greek word pleroo. In this context, the discussion surrounded its meaning as "filled up" or completely filled with (the spirit).

There was an analogy where the commentator talked about how he had injured his toe and in that moment, there was nothing but that pain. Nothing. He was one, big, flopping toe.

When I found out about my husband's betrayal, there was nothing but that pain. Nothing else. No joy, no flatness, no "well, gotta go to the store because we need milk" -- nothing. Just one big flopping writhing mess. And for months, that's all there was -- nothing else. I was completely filled with the physical pain to the point where there was no room for anything else.

I can so relate to your post as I call it trauma to my soul.

And I was another who knew others having gone through this crap in the past & I only thought about what "I" would do, as I had no f'ng clue!! Unfortunately I do now.

When your spirit is dealt a blow it leaves you on the floor in a heap trying to escape from your body because the pain it is experiencing is short of death. The release of in-human sounds is no more than the release valve for the human body not to die from having a broken heart.

Uggg, I'll never forget the growling, moaning, animal like screams.

I felt possessed.

Good explanation for it.

I'll never forget the growling, moaning, animal like screams.

I felt possessed.

It's early days, and these still come from me.

It is trauma like none other. I've endured much trauma in my life---life-threatening trauma---and there has been nothing, nothing that has hurt me as badly as this.

I compare it to rape, too---particularly the sharing of intimacies (or even mundane details) about me with others.

I have not been violently raped by a stranger; I was, however, "date" raped (not really a date--we were just in the same place) by an adult when I was a teenager. (I was blamed for that, too.)

But this is so much worse. So, so much more of a violation. That someone who claimed to love me would choose to violate me (and infect me), and violate our relationship, in such a way----unthinkable. He was the one person I thought I could trust--and all that got me was pain.

[This message edited by BetsyBG at 6:50 AM, September 21st (Tuesday)]