SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Okay.

The fall of last year. Around one year ago.

When did you actually tell him about the OM the very first time?

I told Husband about OM the very first time in 2004 a couple months after I met OM. I told Husband I had a crush on OM. Husband says the feelings he had that I could be cheating was why he resorted to slapping me.

I just called Husband and told him that it’s unhealthy for DD to witness his disrepectful behavior toward me. I was so nervous my voice was shaking. He apologized for the incident this weekend and said he wouldn’t do it again, but said what DD is going thru is very small stuff and I am over-analyzing everything because my pride is hurt. I explained that I worry about DD learning behaviors that shouldn’t be acceptable in relationships and that if we couldn’t treat each other with respect, maybe it’s best that I stay at a relative’s place with DD at night while he spends time with DD during the day. Husband became very angry with me and said go ahead and we’d be separated forever and it would be all my fault. He said he wasn’t going to listen to me lecture me about how to be a good parent when we wouldn’t be having this conversation if I hadn’t cheated and disregarded DD’s future in doing so. He said he already told me what he’s committed to and isn’t going to ask me back if I move out. He said half the time we have these arguments is because I want to make a point and then blame him for having an emotional response. Now I don’t know what to do. I would be throwing away any possibility at R if I move out because he clearly told me before that he didn’t want me to, that if I do we would only part for good. But he also kept telling me that it’s a dealbreaker and there’s no coming back from it, that he just doesn’t know. He says it’s just proves that I’m a child and thinking only of myself. Am I throwing away a chance that DD could have a complete family if I move out?

Am I throwing away a chance that DD could have a complete family if I move out?

It's not a family anymore

Okay so, just so I'm straight...

You told him you had a crush on another man in 2004, continued to work with and have a relationship with the OM for the past 5-6 years. Your husband didn't get the truth until one month ago...

When did you first hit your husband?

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 7:28 PM, October 11th (Monday)]

I first hit him after a few incidents of him hitting me. He kept telling me to hit him back, and I kept telling him I didn’t want to. Then he’d say something really insulting and I couldn’t control my anger and slap him. I think it’s the fact that I had more DDays after 2004 coupled with many stressful circumstances in our lives and my personality grating on him more and more over the years that made him lose it. He’s never hit any of his previous girlfriends before, and had always told me he doesn’t believe in hitting women. I feel responsible pushing him to the brink. I’m ashamed of hitting him back. When he tells the story to people (especially other women) he meets they feel bad for him that he has such an evil mean wife that would do this to him. That’s why I keep doubting myself, doubting whether I have the right to complain about anything. I really feel like I destroyed him while he was so true to me. I wish I hadn’t been so aweful.

Am I throwing away a chance that DD could have a complete family if I move out?

What Lost66 said. Also, there are far worse things than not having a "complete" family. Witnessing abuse being one of them.

You r regressing into self loathing again. So when he tells other women about what a mean wife you are, what are the chances he tells them how he fucks other women now and hits you? That he verbally beats you down and in front of your daughter. Oh wait, they probably won't want to have sympathy sex with him them.

Come on BA, you know the truth.

I had other questions... I don't think they are relevant.

Any question you answer has "and he did this" attached to it.

You did something, he did something back...

Neither one of you are taking responsibility for your own actions.

I honestly don't think that this is about who is more awful.

IMHO: I think you are both toxic to each other.

I threaten to take DD away from him

And he threatened to take her from you.

At this point you are both using a baby as an excuse.

IMHO: You are looking for an excuse to leave and you want to leave... you just don't want to be the bad guy by leaving... you don't want to be "the one" who breaks up your DD's happy home.

Lost said:

It's not a family anymore

There is no happy home.

You are not helping him and he is in no position to help you.

You said he wouldn't hurt DD. Go stay with your family. Leave DD in his care, swap when he has to go to work and see a lawyer.

You mind fucked him for 5-6 years, he's mind fucking you now.

Both of you need to stop fucking around.

I first hit him after a few incidents of him hitting me. He kept telling me to hit him back, and I kept telling him I didn’t want to.

Why don't you elaborate on your hitting him? You only seem to tell us all about him and what he's doing and saying but hardly ever about you and your responses.

You posted in another thread that your husband hit you maybe 10 times but you hit him just as much and according to you sometimes even harder. Your most recent post above might have been an opportunity for you to have mentioned this

There's no doubt that your BH slapping you is abuse! It's abuse plain and simple. I don't see any justification for physical abuse but it does make a difference to me that you posted on another thread that you have hit your BH just as much and sometimes even harder.

It makes a difference to me because it can change the dynamics from an overpowered abused woman to a dysfunctional relationship between two dysfunctional people!

I'm also concerned about the prostitute incident.

The way you wrote about having to call a pro gave the impression that your BH forced you to do this and it's caused a lot of outrage from members.

The thing is, that's not what really happened, though, is it?

You waited until a page or two after the initial prostitute post to add a little sentence about how it was something that you told your BH prior to dday that you wanted to do. He took you up on it.

As far as I'm concerned, BH taking you up on something that YOU suggested (a threesome)is a very different picture than that of an abusive man forcing his helpless wife to call a pro, watch him have sex with her and then join in.

You saw the outrage and didn't do anything to change it. The impression that I have is that you're quick to come to the defense of your BH but you never offer a defense. It concerns me because I think this has turned into a witch hunt and there are innocent people who might pay dearly for the advice being given here.

I'm not saying that advice on abuse shouldn't be brought up. It should. But I am thinking that there should be a little balance here with advice on infidelity as well.

I was accused of being emotionally abusive by my WH after his A. IC/MC got his thinking straight.

BA's BH has no representation here. Something to consider.

Burnt,

I know you are concerned about not showing your husband in a fair and balanced way.

You may be right.

With every post you make you show more and more clearly that your relationship is toxic.

You are both hindering one another from healing.

A relationship needs two committed people - who are whole and healthy in their own right.

At this point your daughter has two broken people who are not really committed to a true marriage.

By leaving and moving out you are not depriving your daughter of a complete family because she already doesn't have one.

This situation becomes increasingly disturbing with every post.

Please get yourself and your daughter out of this situation.

I hate to say this, because I want to believe (more than anything) in the possibilities of a happy ending. But Burnt, I just don't see that in your situation. Not if you continue on the way you are now.

RAR,

I didn't hit him as much as he hit me, but it doesn't excuse the fact that I did. Yes, it did become quite dysfunctional. I have been trying very hard to explain that my husband is NOT a violent, mentally unstable lunatic. I realize that he has no representation here, and have tried to present HIS side of the story as much as I can. He's not this violent person menacing me every day, but he does get very angry sometimes. He's generally a very rational person.

I have also been stressing the fact that my infidelity caused a lot of the emotional stress he suffered even before learning of the PA.

About calling the prostitute, a few months before my confession we did have talks about something to that effect, but it was based on a mindset of love. When he told me to call, he specifically said to DD "Mommy has to do something she doesn't like now because this is what happens when you screw up." I was shocked and clearly told him I didn't want to, but I did because I felt I owe him anything he asked because he was hurting so bad. He wasn't mean to me during the incident and tried to make it into something we had discussed before. The other incidents of him with other prostitutes was him acting out the mind movie of me on his own, and it's disturbing, beyond horrifying for me to think of, but I feel very responsible for his pain and putting him in that position in the first place.

It's precisely my concern that this became a witch hunt and made my husband seem like this horrible monster. I want very much to make it clear this is not the case. I am a horrible person for doing this to him. But the emotional abuse, I think it does pre-date my affair. I don't think he intentionally abused me, but he became more and more critical of me half way thru our relationship. Yet I am much to blame because I am a very frustrating person to live with in a lot of ways. So he has every right to be frustrated. I just can't ignore the feeling of unhappiness and he admits to speaking too harshly to me at times. I think this is a normal loving relationship that got out of hand with conflicts sometimes. I'm hoping there's still hope for us.

1998-2010 is 12 years.

Half-way through your relationship was 2004. The same year you started telling him about the OM. So the "emotional abuse" started occurring at the same time you started up with the OM...

*sputter*

I'm out.

I think this is a normal loving relationship that got out of hand with conflicts sometimes. I'm hoping there's still hope for us.

Burnt, I hate to say this because I know it is going to sound really harsh. It is not meant as a 2 x 4 and I really don't want to be harsh. But I think this sums it up.

Your marriage is NOT a normal loving relationship. From the sounds of it and the things you have both done in the marriage it has NEVER been a normal loving relationship.

This is a toxic relationship that bears no resemblance to anything normal.

Normally I have no problem with people screwing up their own lives. I mean each of us makes our own mistakes.

But really, BurntAshes, your mistakes are really harming your daughter.

If there is any hope for you and your husband (and that is a big if, in my opinion) then you're going to have to stop hurting one another and goading one another into ever worsening levels of cruel behaviour. You cannot do that while living in the same house.

It's time to grow up, Burnt. To put the well-being of your child before your addiction to the twisted drama that your marriage has become.

winsing, I admit. that would be blameshifting. I can't say it's emotional abuse. More like he was becoming unhappy, just around the time I was. I deserve everything I'm getting and more.

SG, I'm trying to be a grown up by owning my mistakes and do everything I can to keep this family together. We have good days and bad days. Maybe me posting on here isn't helping as it presents a one sided story.

BA, I'm frustrated for you because you came here looking for advice on infidelity and you're getting a ton of advice on abuse.

Maybe try reading and posting in General or Reconciliation.

Yes, you have a very dysfunctional M but you are still a WW and your H is still a BH and you have so far made the decision to stay in the M. You need some help with understanding the roles of the WS/BS.

Try to get IC. I wish you and your family the best.

SG, I'm trying to be a grown up by owning my mistakes and do everything I can to keep this family together. We have good days and bad days. Maybe me posting on here isn't helping as it presents a one sided story.

I get that. I tried to do everything I could to keep my marriage together.

Here's the thing, BA. Sometimes two people cannot heal while they are in one another's faces causing more friction and pain.

While you're trying to hold things together at all costs you need to realize that that cost at this point is your daughter.

I think you and your husband are both getting some sort of perverse satisfaction out of hurting one another, being hurt by one another, and playing the martyred victim as a result of this hurting.

Your child has been dragged into the middle of this emotional pissing contest.

Personally, the best advice to BA and her BH is for both them to get independent counselling as well as marriage counselling. I think the problems in this relationship are well beyond the scope and expertise of this forum.

BA...I wish you the best of luck with your situation. Honestly though, your relationship is toxic due to your actions and your BH's actions. You have clearly stated that your BH is not willing to go to any kind of counselling and given that, I see no ray of hope here. I stand by the fact that your BH has problems that extend beyond reacting to your infidelity and you have your own set of issues that you desperately need to deal with for your welfare and the welfare of your dd.

About calling the prostitute, a few months before my confession we did have talks about something to that effect, but it was based on a mindset of love.

I'm still trying to figure out how your BH could convince you that getting a prostitute was "based on a mindset of love."

BA...I wish you the best of luck with your situation. Honestly though, your relationship is toxic due to your actions and your BH's actions. You have clearly stated that your BH is not willing to go to any kind of counselling and given that, I see no ray of hope here. I stand by the fact that your BH has problems that extend beyond reacting to your infidelity and you have your own set of issues that you desperately need to deal with for your welfare and the welfare of your dd.

Ditto. I cannot look at this and see, "Oh well, she cheated on him, so of course he's going to tell her to get prostitutes and have threesomes with her." That's mind-blowing to me, the level of evil people are willing to sink to and accept in revenge and spite. BA's reactions have been simplistic, and her husband's have been over the top. We're not dealing with normal and happy. And if there really is someone who believes that BA's husband was a prince who was driven mad by BA's actions, I have some beachfront property in the oil-ridden Gulf of Mexico I'd like to sell you.

BA, you need to get out of this toxic dance you and your husband have been doing. You both have a lot of growing and changing to do before you can even get to a point of civlity with each other. You don't want your husband to be seen as the bad guy, fine. He's not a bad guy. But what the two of you are doing to your child is criminal. Please, get help, and get out.

[This message edited by veritas at 8:10 AM, October 12th (Tuesday)]

I think this is a normal loving relationship that got out of hand with conflicts sometimes.

No, it isnt. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get your daughter out of that situation.