SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok, I've avoided applying the 2x4 till now, but I'm hiding it behind my back just in case...

Dear, you are expecting something from him that he is incapable of giving. You want him to forgive you, but he is not. You want to be married to him, but he has told you that it's only convienience - FOR HIM, by the way. Not for you... He's answering all your questions, telling you everything you need to know. He's showing you what kind of person he is. He's using your DD to also control you and her (You won't go to your families home with her, will you?).

When people show us who they are, why don't we believe them?

I was asked that very same question several times with my xww. I know how hard it is to accept this new situation, but it's time. Wow, the crap he's saying to you...

You have shown your remorse and shame. You have allowed him to punish you terribly. I'm not saying you should be done with the remorse, but he will not change unless you change what you do.

Multiply that by a million.

He's not going to change with you doing what you're doing.

Keep showing shame and remorse. Prepare for separation and divorce. Do NOT feel obligated to help this person who is treating you so viciously. Your affair is irrelevant in that matter.

He's like a boxer who is repeatedly hitting you.. over and over... you are strong and keep standing there... but he's going to keep punching away until you stop it.

SG, I was just going back to read your PM response. Your story really resonates with me. It really does seem that he doesn't want to see my remorse. I've never been able to understand how someone can appear to be in so much pain and even crying while being manipulative. I feel like my inner self is screaming "I need to be respected as a human being!" Yes, 180, got to start that again. Thank you!

Look I see that you think he is "hurting" and acting out accordingly.

This is not hurting, this is angry, evil behavior. He exhibits no empathy towards you and no remorse.

Even at my BH's lowest point, he never did anything to hurt me or degrade me as a person. He raged and cried and once he even called me a bitch. I have never seen a man so angry. But this situation with you is totally different.

Your WH's responses and his abuse of you and your DD (by putting her in the middle) are...not...human.

May I suggest an interesting book? "The sociopath among us.". I forgot the author. I am not saying you WH is a sociopath, but just read the book. Many are clever, charismatic and manipulative. They say all the right things to simulate love. But in the end, it is all about them...getting what they want. In your case, he gets your money and the semblance of a family.

HUFI - But if you stay out of duty and a sense of responsibility, then you are perpetrating a deceit on yourself once again.

That's my sentiment exactly. If this is not a marriage anymore, and he's no longer seeing me as his wife, then continueing to available whenever he wants feels like the same as what I did in my affair, selling myself for cheap. I have tried to explain this to my husband, but he thinks that he doesn't feel he's using me because he still loves me, then it's OK. I find so many of the things he say conflicting. It's as if he's thinking well it's ok because he still feels married in thinking that, but then keeps telling me that we're not married anymore. It's so confusing. I don't know which he means. I guess that's what cake eating means.

[This message edited by burntashes at 5:47 PM, October 8th (Friday)]

I clicked SEND MESSAGE...Oh Lord please forgive me for what I am about say.

((burntashes))

I truly feel for you and your situation and your DD.

OK, huge 2x4....others did it, now it's my turn.

BUT, THIS thread started on 9/27/10 and today is 10/8/10 and all the posts are identical in help, advice, opinions that they have ALL posted in your others posts.

What is it that you don't get? That he's a f'ing self centered, controlling, sex obsessed, unfeeling, uncaring, sociopathic whack job? That you and your DD are at great risk for MORE emotional and physical harm?

What is the deal with you?

Is posting on SI now a game for you????? I have read every single one of your posts, and you repeat the same thing, day after day. I'm responsible, he's reeling from the pain I've brought him, he hasn't hit me since (insert # of days), he hasn't yelled in front of DD (insert # of days), he hasn't hit me (insert # of days) he's doing good today, he's yelling at me today, he thinks I'm a loser today, I deserve what I get from him, But he loves me, he knows what he did was wrong, he knows that his anger is wrong, blah, blah, blah, he says, on, and on, and on.

He doesn't give a shit about you or DD!! I don't care how much he's reeling from what you did (not saying what you did was right).

Get the hell out of there!

OK Mods, ban me now.

BA is sucking up so much energy from this board and she hasn't done ONE THING to help herself in all this time. She tetter totters daily.

You "resonate" with most of what has been told to you, yet you come on here, and trod thru what everybody has been telling you and you repeat yourself everyday and still DO NOTHING TO HELP YOURSELF OR YOUR DD!

This must be a joke!

whatdoto - Is posting on SI a game to you?

NO. Posting on SI is my way of getting some clarity out of this insanity I'm in. I wish this is all a joke, a bad dream. Unfortunately it's very real. It's support that I haven't been able to get anywhere else in person. If it's wasting everyone's time, I can always stop posting, but I do appreciate the patience I've been shown.

BA is sucking up so much energy from this board and she hasn't done ONE THING to help herself in all this time. She tetter totters daily.

Not true. I have been trying to change my behavior, make my boundaries clear to my husband, tell him what I can accept and what I can't. I understand leaving is the best option right now, but it is a very difficult decision. I understand the frustration you and so many others feel. But until you are in that position, you don't really know how it feels. Is my husband being selfish? Yes, I see that. But he's still DD's father, and I don't want to handle the situation in a way that creates more disonance between us, I don't want to be cruel or callous to him. I want to start respecting myself and keep DD safe but still allow them to spend time together. It's my road and I have to make my own choices. I'm committed to doing the 180. That's where I can start now. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

[This message edited by burntashes at 6:48 PM, October 8th (Friday)]

Burnt,

I'm writing again as someone who got lucid and insightful support from you. I'm concerned that you're using this board to avoid the situation. I'm concerned that you're so smart that you retreat into thinking, reading, writing, weighing. It feels like you're working on it, but in fact you're just avoiding the reality of the situation. When I read your posts there's a huge disconnect between the intelligence and clarity with which you write and the way you're acting. It's gotten to the point that some people have wondered if you are for real. I certainly believe you are. But I also think things like this board, and therapy, can become playgrounds for our intellects, for thinking, when what really is required is action. And that is what is required for you. There is a better life for you and your daughter away from your husband. He has treated you in a way that means you no longer have any responsibility for his well being. Look at the BS's on this site. They DONT do the shit he did. None of them. Your A doesn't mean you deserve this punishment. Stop worrying about him. You can't help him. You can only help yourself and your daughter.

l&s

whattodo - It's difficult to leave. People need different amounts of processing time. Burntashes got her entire world turned inside out in these few short weeks - it will take more of the same for some more time... Don't worry, she will get there. She will find herself.

BA,

You mentioned a book you are reading. You also mentioned how you are growing by reading. That's good.

I want to make a recommendation. "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

You are making really good moves here. Keep gathering strength, and please consider seeing an attorney so that you will have a clearer view of what your options are.

whatdoto that was horrible

Sorry, I don't agree that what whatdoto said was horrible at all in any way. I have read this thread from the beginning and have refrained from posting until now.

BA...I am a BS...a two-time BS who made the difficult decision to stay with my husband and give him another chance. I can tell you that I was just as devastated by my FWH's affairs as your husband is devastated by your's. However, I have never abused him or sunk to the depths of lowly behaviour that your BH has sunk under the guise of suffering deep pain from infidelity (and believe me, I have suffered gut-wrenching, soul-destroying pain as a result of my FWH's actions as have all of the BS's here).

You need to get it in your head that this is NOT a normal reaction to a spouse having an affair...it just plain isn't. As much as you try to rationalize his twisted behaviour, you need to know that it is over the top, unhealthy and some of the most appalling behaviour I have read about during my 2 years on this forum.

This man needs help and sorry to say, but this is behaviour that has roots from before your affair...his issues go way beyond infidelity alone. He needs counselling and YOU need counselling as well to understand not only your affair but also your self-esteem issues that played a role in your infidelity as well as a role in why you are allowing this man to emotionally and mentally abuse you and subject your daughter to this sickness.

You need to do more than the 180 at this stage of the game because, in my opinion, the 180 is not going to make an ounce of difference in regards to how cruel he is to you. What you need to do is gather all the internal strength you can muster and get you and your dd the hell out of this toxic situation asap.

You deserve SO much better than this and nothing, I repeat NOTHING, that you have done in the past warrants what this man (and I use that term loosely because real men don't treat their spouse this way) is doing to you. It is time that you accept that he will not change and that you, as a human being, deserve to be treated with respect, dignity and love and you will not get any of those things from him.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be overly harsh...I just hate to see you tear yourself apart like this and to blame yourself for this madness. It is NOT your fault and please get the help you need to be able to realize that this does not have to be your reality.

[This message edited by sg2008 at 10:38 PM, October 8th (Friday)]

Listen closely to what is being said to you on this thread. You may not feel emotionally ready to make a break in this relationship, but if everything you've said so far is accurate, you must get you and your child out of this. You both are at risk for serious physical and psychological damage.

You may be noticing an increased intensity in the responses. This concern stems from the very real possibility that you and your daughter are living side by side with somebody who obviously enjoys harming the two of you. How will this end? What are you willing to allow him to destroy?

There are options and they have been presented to you numerous times. Leaving and staying with family members doesn't necessarily have to be a permanent solution, but you need to take yourself and your daughter out of this madness RIGHT NOW. You do not have the luxury of being 'ready' to leave.

If you and your daughter were in the middle of the street and a car was barreling toward you, would you think twice about getting out of its way? Of course not. Well, you both are in the same imminent danger right now. Get out of the way of the thing that is trying to destroy you.

Nobody can do this for you. You can work on the relationship later, but RIGHT NOW you need to get out of harm's way. You need to get out of this situation - put space between you - interrupt this insane cycle that has developed.

Look, we could all be wrong. Maybe in the end this man will be capable of a healthy relationship. But RIGHT NOW he is not. RIGHT NOW he would prefer to destroy you. He doesn't care about anything else. Not his daughter - not your past together - not your apologies. Nothing. The only thing that matters is crushing you. By any means necessary.

You do not have the tools to help him. The man you describe is menatlly ill. You are in danger. Your daughter is in danger. You cannot allow this to continue.

You are strong enough for that one burst of initiative to get you and your daughter out of that house. You must gather all your strength and get out of there.

I am worried about Burnt. We haven't heard from her in a while. Does anyone know if she is ok??

She posted on Friday... it's the weekend... today is Sunday...

Lots of people have things to do on the weekend.

Watching for her too...

Her account shows active as of 10:29:59pm.

Maybe she'll post when she feels like it.

whattodo, you have a PM.

Just want to let everyone know I'm ok. I haven't been able to decide more yet so don't want to disappoint. Will post tomorrow. Thanks.

In your post “BH’s degrading words“ I was supportive, believing that you should leave because of the prostitute thing… someone pointed out that you were not tied to a chair and I realized that my knee-jerk response negated your culpability. You could have said no, not made the phone call and not participated. You opened the door (literally by arranging for the prostitute) and walked through it by your own choice.

I’ve stayed out of your threads since then. I really have a lot of questions though. So here I am.

I‘ve thought about your threads, re-read them.

There are a lot of conflicting statements that you have made and sorting them all is just

I have some questions, if you don’t mind clarifying. I will only ask one at a time.

When was the first time your husband slapped you?

Wincing,

I’ve reread all the threads multiple times as well. It’s overwhelming, but I am trying to keep in mind all the suggestions I’ve received. The first time he slapped me happend in the fall last year. He said I didn’t “get” him, that I kept provoking him when he didn’t want to be bothered.