SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been working up the courage to write this post for a long time.

I'm the WW, 33. BH is 36, 1 child DD 7.

I had a 2 year PA that ended a little over 3 years ago. My behaviour was atrocious, awful, deplorable during this time and it took me a long time to wake up to that fact even after the A ended. My H fought very hard to keep me, he reacted pretty much the opposite way I would have expected.. AT FIRST. He discovered my A one year after it became physical.. but you know how these things work; it didn't completely end for another year after his discovery because I was such a fool. I was so screwed up at the time, H pretty much carried the load until I got right in the head. It took me a good year to get right after I cut off all contact with OM.

So the problem is, around about the time I was getting right, H was starting to fully realize what happened. I think he fought so hard for so long, he wasn't able to process the whole thing at first. So about 2 years ago is when the real problems started.

Before I go into some of them, let me just defend my H a little bit- he is absolutely devastated even now and he is just having a horrible time with this whole thing. I've handled this horribly, too... especially right after he found out and right after it ended.

So, rewind 2 years ago and my H started going through the anger stage. It got really bad as he began to yell and scream at me daily, call me names, etc. And he also began to obsess about the sexual details of my affair. He began to start demanding that I do some of the things sexually that I did with OM... and these are things that I'm ashamed of, things I didn't and don't want to do, things I've refused to do for the most part. This of course caused horrible fights with him feeling slighted, him calling me more names and the anger escalating, etc. This whole cycle went on for a number of months- way too long.

We were in counseling at the time, which was a disaster btw as my husband had absolutely no problem arguing with every single counselor we could find. I

eventually decided that I was going to have to end the marriage, because I couldn't deal with the constant barrage of name calling that I was hearing every single night. Let me just say that even then I wasn't fully cognizant of all the damage I had caused, and I really should have handled BH more gently even though I do believe it was time to put my foot down.

Anyway, it's a long story.. but we eventually came to the following compromise:

1. He was not to call me names ever again.

2. I agreed to discuss all the sexual details with the A with him whenever he felt the need in order to help him get over it.

3. He could ASK me for anything he wanted in bed, but I had a right to say no if I felt uncomfortable with it.

4. He would 'take steps to protect himself' (I had no idea what that meant then, now I do) financially in case the M didn't work out.

Now, looking back I didn't realize this... BUT this deal infuriated my H as he somehow felt I was blackmailing him in a play to get custody of our daughter... which wasn't my intentions at all. AND I also think he was having an impossible time coping with my A. To make a very long story short, what happened after that at first was-

1. He quit his job and started his own business.

2. He moved our savings into trusts and cash and money that can't be traced (we are not rich people, believe me... we are not talking about a lot of money here).

3. He continued obsessively questioning me about the sexual details of the A.

4. He started to ask me- like EVERYDAY- do to things sexually that I didn't want to do (I didn't and haven't done them).

If I didn't want to have long conversations about the physical intimacy that I had with OM, it turned into a huge fight (I admit I HATE having these conversations). When I wouldn't agree to do certain things in bed with him, instead of namecalling and yelling at me, he started to punish me in other ways. He would give me the silent treatment, or be incredibly disagreeable with everything else, or just be a total jerk.

This is where the marriage REALLY started to go downhill because it was like a mexican standoff. At this point his animosity towards me is always bubbling below the surface. He either tolerates me dismissively or is outright hostile towards me. He continues with the obsessing about the sex with OM even to this day and if I won't discuss it it turns into a weeklong silent treatment. He does WHATEVER he wants now. He doesn't really do anything too bad, but if he wants to go out with the boys and stay out till 2am, he does it no matter what I say. He gives me 0 input into where the money is going (he IS responsible with it, so that's not the issue). He still asks me all the time to do sexual acts that he knows I don't want to do... and our sex life has totally gone down the tubes, which he blames me for.

I just don't know what to do. I've put up with a lot of these strange behaviours because I love him and it was my actions that got us into this mess in the first place. But I can't reach out to him anymore because his idea of getting past this is punishing me or punishing himself. Divorce is out of the question. First of all, we need both incomes to make it. And also divorce would likely result in him getting custody of our daughter and I can't have that. He has compiled detailed 'journals' as a backup plan in case I file for divorce and he has to fight for custody. And he has made it perfectly clear that he will use every single dime we've worked hard for to fight in the divorce (and I won't have the same option, because the money is hidden where I can't get at it).

Before you ask, he is not having an A, I'm as sure as I can possibly be. That's what my parents thought and I actually had him followed and installed a keylogger on the computer. But he is despondent and really having a hard time. Any advice on what to do about this whole thing?

Oh, I forgot there is one more thing. H wants to sell our house. He says he never wanted it in the first place (this is true) and that because of me insisting on buying the house we have lost 50k (I don't look at it like that). He is threatening to stop making the mortgage payment if I won't sign off on selling it (he makes much more money than I do, I can't even come close to paying it myself). He actually thinks this is reasonable, because we've had the house for 5 years and so he thinks we should be able to rent for 5 years now because I had my way for 5 years. Does that make any sense?

I think you may benefit from just going back to square one of the Wayward handbook - Think of it this way - sometimes a BS will need to psychologically protect themselves from the pain of an affair by denying it - in this case for 3 years. In the meantime all of that stuff is bubbling in the subconscious - all the fears - anger - self doubt - all that stuff is brewing under the surface. Well, like anything that is pushed beneath the surface, eventually it explodes. That's where it is now.

See, everything is distorted by being kept bottled up for those three years, and now it's going to take a long time to get things back into perspective. It really sucks, but that's just how it is.

So, deal with it just as you would've if the affair had just been discovered. Follow the steps recommended in the Healing Library and do things by the book. Write a timeline of the affair and put in all the details that you can remember. Don't leave anything out. Let him know that this document is available to him. Make sure you answer his questions completely, but remember, you are under no obligation to do anything that you feel is wrong or dehumanizing.

Make sure you're taking care of yourself and doing your own inner work. See an IC to make sure you're getting your emotional and psychological needs met. Make sure you are taking care of yourself financially as well. Like ANY relationship this might not work out, so make sure you've taken care of yourself

I'm reading your post and I'm thinking

"This woman does not know how she has completely devastated and destroyed her husband"

You are listing the things he has done and not what ultimately you have done to him.

He is in distress. His wife had an affair for a couple of years ans even continued after he found out.

Of course he will act out and make demands.

I need to ask you...How remorseful are you?

It will take you becoming totally open to your husband's reasonable needs.

If there were things you did with the OM that you refuse to do with your husband..then you are making him less valuable in his mind.

OM will always have a piece of you that you deny your husband.

You should be willing to do anything he asks that is not demeaning or physically abusive.

If you could do those unimaginable things with the OM, then why not your husband.

You really need to think about what you have done to your husband.

His response is of having someone he trusted and believed in, totally rip his soul apart and is not willing to do some of what it takes to help him heal.

Read the healing library. it's on the left in the yellow box.

Keep posting and Welcome to SI

I don't think I expressed myself very well... my BH knows EVERYTHING. For probably an entire year, the details of the A were the only thing by BH wanted to talk about. He STILL wants to talk about them all the time. I am well aware that my A was the cause of this whole mess, but I am posting because I want to know what to do to fix it.

I feel horrible about this whole thing, but the problem is that my BH thought that the way for me to show remorse was to engage in sex acts that are immoral and bad for our marriage. I acted like a total slut during my A and did some terrible things. Now my BH wants to reconcile the marriage by talking nonstop about the sex that I had with OM- and this is going on 3 years of this? He has all my passwords, I haven't spoken to OM in 3 years, but that is not helping. I've apologized a million times... I mean it, too- not just lipservice. But this is year 3 of reconciliation we are talking about.

BH thinks that because I never turned Om down for sex, I can NEVER turn him down for sex. If I do, it's a weeklong fight. During my A, some of the things that I did that I don't want to do again involved another party watching and participating in certain things... do you think I should do that?

I don't know what to do.

Welcome to SI!

There are a lot of issues going on with your situation. You are minimizing a lot of the A

I agreed to discuss all the sexual details with the A with him whenever he felt the need in order to help him get over it.

If I didn't want to have long conversations about the physical intimacy that I had with OM, it turned into a huge fight (I admit I HATE having these conversations).

So you betrayed your H, got caught, continued lying, finally made an agreement, then haven't held up your end.

Any advice on what to do about this whole thing?

Except for recreating the sex acts, I think you should be the one to make the first move. Follow through with something.

There are some basic things that you can do that will show your BH that you are serious about wanting to fix things. They are:

No Contact (NC) - absolutely no contact with the OM. Does your BH believe that you aren't in contact with OM? If not, sit down with your BH and send an NC letter to OM.

Transparency - give all of your passwords to your BH. Be an open book to him. Answer every question honestly without getting defensive.

Timeline - give your BH a

timeline of the events of the A with as much detail as he feels he needs.

No Trickle Truthing (TT) - Tell your BH everything right now (easier said than done).

Own Your Shit - you made the choice to sleep with OM. Nobody pushed you into it.

Heal yourself - it seems unfair, but the WS has to fix themselves before they can fix anything else. This sounds like the piece you are missing. It isn't as easy as being a fool, or making poor choices, or finances, or you H not being there for you. Look deep and figure out what is messed up inside you.

Those are some of the basics. Read around in the Healing Library. Post here.

My first post on SI was a load of crap and other members called me out on that. I'm still not done with my journey either. You have been in this for 3 years? me too. I have a long way to go and you do to.

ETA: Sorry, we cross-posted. You answered a lot of my questions already...

[This message edited by BaxtersBFF at 10:22 AM, October 9th (Saturday)]

I can understand your reservations. The problem is your husband doesn't believe you are remorseful.

He believes you experienced some forbidden things with OM and you are not willing to share those with him. he feels left out and feels you are not remorseful that you did those things.

WS ONLY

[This message edited by trying2deal at 12:50 PM, October 9th (Saturday)]

Please please, everyone understand. I have not been TT my BH. I've given him everything. No one believes that he would really want to discuss sexual detail over the course of more than a year for hours at at a time, but it's true. And I really don't think our problems have anything to do with what he perceives as lack of remorse.

He seems so much more preoccupied on what I did during my A as opposed to what I'm doing now.

And I really don't think our problems have anything to do with what he perceives as lack of remorse.

You stated that if you do not do these acts then he feels you have no remorse.

How can that be perceived at not seeing a lack of remorse?

OOK,

I can only imagine the frustration you are both going through. It sounds like he is stuck in the healing process and you are hoping to move forward together.

Perhaps you two can talk about what you can do sexually that fulfills his needs to truly feel superior to OM while not putting you in a position you aren't comfortable with, i.e. anything as long as it's just the two of you.

Maybe if you can make progress with a *healthy* sexual life, this will help him move forward in his healing process.

I feel for you OOK!

hp

[This message edited by HPrynne at 11:01 AM, October 9th (Saturday)]

WS ONLY

[This message edited by trying2deal at 12:51 PM, October 9th (Saturday)]

He discovered my A one year after it became physical.. but you know how these things work; it didn't completely end for another year after his discovery because I was such a fool. I was so screwed up at the time, H pretty much carried the load until I got right in the head. It took me a good year to get right after I cut off all contact with OM.

This too adds to a lack of remorse in the beginning. You continued the affair after he found out and tried hard to get you back.

You really don't have any idea of how destroyed your BH is. Maybe he has so much resentment that it will be very difficult to impossible for him to get past it.

Hi outofkilter, welcome to this sorry place. I suppose you are a long time lurker.

Your situation seems so complicated and very little related to mine... I hope some members farther down the road can give you good advice so you can help you husband to soften his heart. From what I read he had 1 year affair plus one more year of false reconciliation? plus one more year of foggie wife. Have you ever been proactive in seeking help and taking stepts to repair things? What are you doing about it?

Beyond MC(marriage counseling) does/did your husband get help from individual counseling (IC)? Do you? Do you think he is open to any form of counseling now?

Clearly he's not handing things in a healthy way now and appears he toke the steps to protect himself in reaction to your boundaries when you was about to divorce him last year.

Some questions; do love your husband? do you show him your love? Do you declare your love for him? Does your husband believe you love him? Does your husband love you? Are all bad days or are good days in your marriage?

Keep posting, weekends are slowly in SI but don't get discouraged.

Best wishes.

And I really don't think our problems have anything to do with what he perceives as lack of remorse.

He's in deep pain. What do you really think where lies HIS problems? Do you think he feels sexually inferior to OM? Do you think he's trying to fight the mind movies?

Do you know why did you did those things with OM but you are not willing to do with your BH. You gave OM what you are now denying BH. Why?

Maybe you can spice up the sexual intimathy without compromising yourself but and the same time fullfiling him? Have you tried another things? Is he open to new things for both?

Please dont get frustated with our posts, we don't have the whole picture but know we really care.

You neve know, the next post can be helpful.

Keep posting.

Sending you strenght.

[This message edited by Lost68 at 12:11 PM, October 9th (Saturday)]

He seems so much more preoccupied on what I did during my A as opposed to what I'm doing now.

What I think we are trying to say as a group is that whatever you are doing and have done so far is not working. Does that make sense? If he is still preoccupied by the events of the past, then that implies that he has not processed it the way that he needs to. Him being able to process it depends on you, your answers, and your ACTIONS.

How do you guys communicate? Is it arguing? Is it letting the other person talk uninterupted? Is it one or the other of you getting defensive and shutting down? Do you each repeat back what you just heard to make sure you really understand what was just said?

I think maybe you guys had severe communication problems post D-day and got stuck in this pattern. Now it sounds like you are both too stubborn to hear anything different than what has been said. Since you are here at SI now, it implies that you might be ready to take a step (to back down a little) in order to change the dynamics of the current situation. One way to do that is to go back to square one with your BH and work through the basic steps that all WS seem to need to go through. Sometimes we do it right, sometimes we do it wrong. If we do it wrong, we have to go back and fix it.

njg - Please be gentle. This is a Stop sign thread.

OOK - Does your husband still believe that you were "blackmailing" him when you came to your agreement?

Three years on? I believe you will have to prove to him that he is as important to you as om was. Words wont do it. protestations regarding you are now above doing cetain things wont do it. It obvious you are at an impasse, What does it matter if you compromise yourself for him , he is your husband. By staying he has compromised himself for you. Right now its your ego versus his need for validation. Validation that he is as important as the om.

I think it was a mistake to allow him to move the money. This concerns me. I am not sure what legal rights you have.

I think his desire to sell the house stems from wanting to disconnect from you.

The sex stuff...he probably feels inferior to the OM, and understandably so. You mentioned he wants something with a third party...that sounds totally wrong and should be off limits. But what else does he want? Would you want to do these things with him if you felt secure and trusted/trusted again? I can see how it would feel degrading to do kinky sex acts with your H if he is simply planning to divorce you.

This is a tough one. Can you give us any more details about your relationship with BH?