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My WW came home last night and informed me that she thinks I cannot or will not forgive her. She feels that if I don't forgive her for having sex with another MM, and providing him with oral sex for over a year, that we can't move forward. I suppose she is right. But, how in the hell do I get over what she has done to me? To our family? She new she was taking great risks when she decided to look for "more" outside of our marriage. I have truly been trying very hard to get past the thought of my wife having sex with someone else. But, it is the most difficult thing I have ever done. I never chose to have to make this decision. I always felt so secure in the knowledge that my wife loved me. She says she has always loved me. She was just looking for more. I have always loved her. But, this betrayal is so hard to deal with. Even after seven months, it feels like seven days sometimes. Sometimes seven minutes, sometimes seven years.

How does a BH go on loving WW after such betrayal?

Forgiveness takes a long time... a really long time. You are only 7 months out, give yourself a break if you haven't forgiven her completely or even partially.

I personally think it is crap for her to say "You're never going to forgive me". Forgiveness is a fantastic, amazing, wonderful, gracious gift, that is yours to give, not hers to demand.

Hang in there traumatized_moos, it is a very long process.

(((traumatized_moos)))

((((traumatized))))

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you are saying her action was right. It is a stage of healing for you, that the action doesn't hold power over you.

Your Dday was close, forgiveness will come in time.

How does a BH go on loving WW after such betrayal?

Excellent question for the R couples here. It can be done, it just takes a massive effort on you both.

Forgive her? Are you joking? Have some of you who have responded looked at TM's earlier posts?

You posted just a few days ago about (1) your WW's lack of real remorse; and (2) your WW's blaming you for her repeatedly sucking a guy's dick (and who knows what else) over her lunch breaks for a year.

Again, are you f'in kidding me?

What is she looking for, something like this:

"OK, honey, I forgive you for lying to me, disrespecting me in the worst way for at least a year. Try not to do that again."

Puhleeeze. Forgiveness comes over the very long haul, usually in bits and pieces, and in stages, with remorseful spouses who have owned their shit and who have palpably and demonstrably changed.

I'll say it again. You have no kids. What are you getting out of this marriage that's worth your self-respect?

[Scratching his head]

Okay, logically, why would you forgive her? She is 100 percent correct on that. She has given you no reason to forgive her. She did the one thing that there is no reason under the sun and moon for anyone to forgive.

Turn the table and ask her if she would forgive you if you had been having an affair for over a year.

From what I have seen in your story, she would not have stopped until she got caught. Guilt for being caught and remorse are two different things. Not saying that she is not remorseful, but remorse is proven in actions.

I hope that both of you are in IC/MC.

Forgiveness takes time. Even if you forgive, you may not want to remain married. It's your decision. But it is not a decision that you need to rush. Don't try to forgive too soon. It's a long process. What she does each and every day to prove to you she is worthy of forgiveness and reconciling is what matters.

Let her sit in her sesspool for a while with her self pity and fears. It will do her a lot of good. You may want to let her know that it takes two to five years according to most experts to be considered reconciled. Wonder if she is willing to stick it out that long.

If and when you are able to get to the point of forgiveness, you will know.

With my WH the first time, this was his attitude. He jsut kept asking me when will I forgive him and move on already. I was hurt. I read something on here that rang true to me

"You took a sledgehammer to your spouse's knee and smashed it to bits. You cannot tell her to get up and walk and then get angry because she can't. If you do this, then it is like taking another sledgehammer and smashing her other knee and expecting her to walk. You cannot leave her lying there. You must help her. You must be gentle and caring and help her until she heals. She is in pain and may lash out at you, but you must remember...you and you alone did this to her. "

By asking you to just forgive her already she is demanding you move forward with no regard to your feelings. It's not ok and it's not going to help your R at all and she needs to know this. This time around my WH isn't taking this approach. He realizes that forgiveness may never come and he says he's ok with that as long as he can still try to show me what he never gave me before.

This all started because of her selfish actions to start an A, she doesn't get to continue to be the selfish one and receive forgiveness.

How does a BH go on loving WW after such betrayal?

I dunno-its been 3 yrs yesterday & I still cannot really kiss WW-all I can do is give a peck-the thought of her & OMM, oral sex, kissing, etc....ugh-there just ain't enough mouthwash.

My WW came home last night and informed me that she thinks I cannot or will not forgive her. She feels that if I don't forgive her for having sex with another MM, and providing him with oral sex for over a year, that we can't move forward.

Translation:

Shut up allready. Your ruining me day!

You pain has become her inconvenience. She is not wanting to deal with this thing called consequences.

Sounds to me like she is still only thinking of herself. If my WH ever said that to me there would be hell to pay. He is aware that what he did WILL (not might, night can, WILL) affect us for years. That is the price we all pay.

Oh, I got that “you’ll never be able to forgive me”. The right answer I gave her was: “You may be right. So you need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life trying to earn that forgiveness from me. If you are willing, we have a chance... if not, we best end it now. ”

@FatherFirst

I'll say it again. You have no kids.

traumatized_moos has a daughter.

Son

Sorry.......son ..... DS

Oh yes, the are all in a big hurry to move on. That's because they have already moved on.

It's the Get Over Already, crap!

I wrote my FWH a letter telling him that no one ever taught me how to live with betrayal and abandonment and that it will take me as long as it does.

..i chose to forgive for several reasons..some for her, some for me..

..i recognized that it was the cornerstone for any remote chance of repairing the marriage..

..unless i was willing to say to myself that we can survive this, it was like i had to give myself permission to accept what she had done, in order to make an attempt at R.

..and right from the beginning, she showed her remorse, her willingness to take the consequences, the guilt, shame, self-loathing..she owned it all.. and after 18 months, is still making every effort to show me her devotion and love.

..of course, if that wasn't happening, we'd have been over in no time..

..we have tough times still, and we're not there yet but we are determined and dedicated to making it work so, by adding forgiveness to the mix, it allows both of us to have hope that we will make it..

..forgiveness will come, but only if you really want it..

..some choose to never give it and so it goes..

..it's a very personal choice, probably not for everyone..

..it just was for me..

smy

In my opinion, this is just another way to blameshift. "You won't forgive me, so I won't try to clean up my crap. Therefore, it's your fault if we don't R, and I keep cheating."

Don't fall for it.

I lost count of the number of times I heard my WW accuse, "You're never going to forgive me, are you?"

She wasn't saying this in a hurt, desperate-for-forgiveness way, she was saying it in a mean, demanding way.

She was/is setting up her reason to say "I tried...it didn't work. May as well go back to OM"

Forgiveness is a gift that only you can give when you are ready and not because she thinks she deserves it. It takes a special woman to suck a mans dick every lunch hour for a year. I am trying to figure out what she got out of it other than a mouth full? She was looking for more outside of your relationship, sucking a guys dick every lunch hour, how romantic. If she is too selfish to wait for you to heal help her pack. Seriously, she is still broken, what is she doing to fix herself? If you say nothing, you know what you can expect in the future, save yourself the pain.

WW thinks I can't forgive her

This statement is the exact reason why my ex-ww filed for D -- because I would never forgive her. Thus she filed and left me for OM.

Upon separation OM immediately dumped her.

How does a BH go on loving WW after such betrayal?

Statistically most do not. In many cases the WW has emotional detached from BH upon Dday (just like mine) and pushes for the D. You WW is chirping just like mine did prior to filing. I strongly suggest you see a lawyer in the near future to find what your rights are and then in turn, protect them.

Sorry you had to join our site.

-t2g

In one sense she is correct:

In order to recover you eventually have to forgive her.

But that’s WAY down the line and it’s a major milestone in the extremely long and tough road of reconciliation.

Ask her these questions:

How does she define forgiveness?

What does she expect you to do that make her feel she is forgiven?

In what ways does she NOW see and think you haven’t forgiven her?